The struggle

After chemo on Wednesday, Caden was pretty much done with the world. Any suggestion or question was met with a terse, "I just want to sleep!" I know he was physically tired, but I also knew he was emotionally exhausted. We asked him if he minded if we went to grab some lunch at a local Indian restaurant. He was all-too happy to be alone. I tucked him in, gave him some medicine, placed his cell phone within easy reach, and left him to some much-needed alone time. We also got some much needed alone time, too!

Just a few blocks East of the RMH, we stopped at a fairly-busy intersection, and waited. And waited. And watched car after car pull up, pause, and then drive on. After a few moments, Randy gasped. 

"Oh my gosh, I was waiting for the light to turn green!"

We were at a four-way stop. 

At that moment, I realized that my Mister is distracted.  As I ate my amazing Butter Chicken and Naan, I reflected on all that is asked of my amazing Man. It burned in my heart just how blessed I am. 

When my world turned upside down, I packed up my bags (rushed from the unexpected news that his port surgery was a day sooner than we thought), kissed my kids, and left them in the care of family, friends, church and school support. I knew I would miss them, but I also knew they would be taken care of. My "job" in the home was handed over to others, while I assumed my role in cancer care again. While not easy, it is infinitely more easy than what Randy is dealing with. 

With the acquisition of New World Systems by Tyler Technology, there have been many new, and exciting changes. Added states to his territory, just to name one. While I was finding out all of the added stress of our 2016 with one word- cancer, Randy was finding out all that was now required of him for 2016. And it was not a small list. And before finding out the news, Randy was pretty excited about his upcoming work year. He called me during a small break during Sales Training while I was in Radiology with Caden, just to tell me how challenging his year would be, but pumped that he had some ideas that he could implement. He has always loved a good challenge. 

But, now, his mind and heart are torn. He knows he needs to work. He wants to do good by the company that he works for, and loves. At the end of the year, he wants his success or failures to be because of or in-spite of how hard he worked, not clouded by our one word- cancer. He wants to give his all, win or lose, and continue the streak he started last year- President's Club. 

Yet, with the uncertainty of Caden's future, Randy has stated to me that he wants to spend as much time with Caden, before he doesn't have a chance. 

But the times that he is with us, he feels so lazy.  It's Randy's dedication to our family that drives him. It's his ability and knowledge of sales that make him so successful. He truly is an amazing salesman. And as a salesman, who needs to be paid to support a family of seven, he needs to work and make sales. 

But when he works, he is not focused on what his heart wants...memories with his son, in case this fast-growing, rare cancer steals him away. 

The many men and women that Randy works with have become more than just co-workers- they are our friends. They have been so supportive and caring, bolstering Randy through this. But, in all honesty, I can't help but wish that I could help him more. I can't imagine the struggle. 

September 30, 1999 was the first time I ever laid eyes on Randy Dirks. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined such an amazing life, married to such an amazing man. We'll figure this out. All will be as it should. But Randy's struggle is real. Our one word causes more stress than I previously thought. A pain I understand only through the stressful venting and frustrations from the man I love most. 

All because an amazing man chose me.