Hope is such a surreal thought for me right now. During some of the roughest times over the last few months, it was much easier to feel any sort of hope when things were going relatively easy. The five days that he was feeling well when it was least expected was an easy time to feel hope. The night that I gave him extra medicines to knock him out due to pain was a hard time to feel hope. The last few days have been an easier time to feel cautiously optimistic. Things have gotten better each day, it seems. I am really starting to feel more hope that things aren't going to be as hard as they have been.
This morning, Caden sat upright on the couch and spoke out a list of things that have been getting easier for him. It had a surreal feeling to it, watching this boy almost light up telling me how much better he is feeling as days go by.
"I have been able to eat a little more. Food doesn't sound as disgusting as much of the time. I slept through the night without needing any sort of sleep aid. I haven't thrown up every day (although he did throw up about two hours later). I have been able to walk more. My hair is starting to grow back because my head is getting softer. My abdomen doesn't hurt as much as it has been...."
He was alight telling me all of this. Moments before, he'd been on his iPad watching Life Hack videos and other videos that make him laugh. It was amazing to hear him giggle again. It has been too long.
Hope- I feel it.
It almost felt like we have turned a corner, that things were going to start getting a little easier for us. I feel cautiously optimistic that things are going to be ok for a while. I am not saying I don't expect to see something on his next CT scan in June, just that I don't feel a crushing weight of worry about making it to June with awful side effects every single day. I need a break from his agony.
I hope, I hope, I hope...
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