Order

It is so funny how the order of things can change something from ordinary to extraordinary. 

Last night I finally got my feelings put into words that even I could understand.  I have been mulling over them for weeks, trying to comprehend the emotions that I was struggling with.  After all, it's easier to fix something that is defined.  If last night and this morning would have been switched, they would have been two separate incidents.  But they weren't switched, they were placed in the order that would give me the most insight.  Insight that I needed to help me cope.

Last night I wrote about being afraid to have this new normal taken away from us.  Things have been going so well, yet things are so up-in-the-air still, that I am afraid to just let loose and be free of the emotional wall I have built.  This morning, I got to watch one of my most favorite little boys of all time, Caleb. 

While snuggling on the couch, he used a Nerf gun to shoot all of the bad guys on Sword in the Stone.  He would "shoot," then look up at me, and we'd laugh and laugh and laugh.  It was fun because he knew my laugh was forced, and I knew his laugh was fake, which made it that much funnier.  Our fake laughs eventually turned into real laughs.  He brings me joy.

He always gets a packet of fruit snacks from our pantry when he comes (and truth be told, I stock our pantry with them just for his visits) so when he was climbing down to go get his packet, he looked at me and said in all seriousness, "Will you hold the gun so Clara won't get it?"  Clara is the 6-week old baby in my arms, his little sister!

As I was looking at this sweet little boy, in love with the sweet innocence that endears him to me every time, I had a distinct impression come to my mind.  I remembered my words and feelings from the night before about being afraid of having this life and my son taken away from me, when the word, "You are just the same" came to my mind.

I have pondered this from many different angles throughout the day.  Maybe I am just as adorable in my need to keep my "gun," when in the grand scheme of things, it does not matter.  Maybe my Heavenly Father looks upon me as I looked upon Caleb and thinks, "Child, the "gun" is not important.  I know you think it is, but it is not.  It will be ok if you don't get to keep the "gun.""  I know this life is a Test, that there are greater things in store for us.  I know that I want to do well in this life to better learn for the next.  And just like Caleb, I really like the "gun" I have.  I love the happiness it brings me.  I love the laughter that it evokes.  I love the people that I get to share my experiences with. 

But I need to remember that I am just a child in my understanding of Eternal principles.  I need to have the childlike faith that Caleb had when I said, "Oh, honey, she won't take it.  Just lay it down and go get your fruit snacks."  He looked at me with his bright blue eyes and placed the gun on the couch.  He trusted me without a moment's thought.  He knows I love him.

The order of that 12 hours was a tender mercy for me.  I am still being watched over.  I know He loves me.