Day 1

The last three days have been the hardest of the entire month.  The tears started when I sat down to write my Yellow post, and have not stopped since.  Everything reminds me of Caden and his earth-shattering absence.  Everything is too much.  Everything hurts more than I can bear in my moments of sorrow.  I cannot believe this is my life.

One year ago we were here, playing Risk, being annihilated by Randy and his strategic mind.  I HATE Risk with a passion!!  It was torture playing that game!  Randy won (surprise, surprise).  Caden was a close second, a worthy opponent, the funnest contender.  Keilie and I enjoyed the show, cheering Caden on and Randy's losses.  It was the best night ever.  There will be no Risk tonight.  I can barely breathe, it hurts so much. 

For the past few years, I've spent more time with Caden than anyone.  Even Randy.  During those times in Seattle, whether it was at Seattle Children's or the Ronald McDonald House, Caden and I did everything together.  We watched TV shows, we watched movies, we played hours and hours of games, we did puzzles, we listened to Greggor the Overlander (all five books in a week!), we took hundreds of walks, both outside and within the walls of the hospital, we went to the park, we explored the area around us, and we talked.  We talked all the time.  About everything.  We talked of goals and dreams and fears and fun.  I knew him so well.  And he knew me.  He was not just my son, he was one of my closest friends.  Ever.  And now he's gone.  "Miss" doesn't even begin to describe what I feel.  I'm a bit lost.

It has been 207 days since we learned that Caden was going to die, dashing all hopes and dreams that the immunotherapy could be our Miracle Drug, that we could keep him longer.  It has been 88 days since Caden went to Heaven.  And it still feels like a nightmare that I cannot wake from.  I am not "depressed," but I am drowning in sadness.  I am sad.  I miss my Caden more than anything.

It's been days and days and unending days, but tomorrow is Day 1.  Day 1 of a year that Caden will not celebrate a birthday.  Day 1 of a year that will not have any pictures.  Day 1 of a year where we do not make memories with Caden.  Day 1 of a year that will not bring him closer to graduation or a mission or marriage or becoming a dad.  Although we are not in cancer care, I am back to living my life day-by-day, half-past Caden.

2018 is going to be a good year.  Because I am going to give it all I have, I am going to make it a good year.  Because we are still here.  We still have so much to see and do and become.

______ New Year!!!