Complete

They're here!!  Our blog books are finally here!!

 Two books for the first year of cancer care, two books for the following two, with two books for the final year.  Six books.  My gosh, my son died!  Can this really be my life?  How can this be real?

Our collection of Yellow books is now complete, while our lives feel anything but.  Oh, Caden, how I miss you.  So much sometimes that I think I might die from the pain.  My heart is heavy today.  As heavy as these books on the shelf.

7:30pm
January 19, 1986-- My parent's got the incredible news that a life-saving liver had been found for their daughter, Keilie, and not a minute too soon.  The transplant was a success.  Keilie died of pneumonia just 9 months later, at 18 months, on Ashlee's 3rd birthday.
January 19, 2011-- My Mom's mom, Grandma Kimber, passed away.
January 19, 2018-- The last of my friends made while in cancer care found out that her 6-year-old son's fight is over.  There are tumors in every section of his liver, as well in other parts of his tiny body.  The same immunotherapy drug that we hoped would be our Miracle Drug failed them as well.

Ashlee captured this picture just minutes after the funeral home took my son from our home for the last time.  This is what profound shock and grief looks like.  I feel it again for my friend tonight.  I hurt for her, her husband, and two other sons; I hurt for our friend that lost her son one week after Caden; I hurt for me.  Grief is like smoke tonight-- burning my eyes, stealing my breath, consuming every part of me until I am nothing but black and ash.