Quilts

Quilting was a very big part of my life when Caden and I stayed at the Ronald McDonald House April 18th through May 16th, 2017.  Going to Joanne's, where I looked for fabric and he looked for crafts, was very fun, as was making a quilt a week for those four weeks.  While he was getting his infusions, I would quietly hand bind the quilt (minus that first week when he had that horrible reaction), finishing my work before he finished his.  The bright fabrics couldn't help but bring me happiness, and each quilt that turned out how I envisioned added to my joy.  It was a boon during a difficult, stressful time.

The last quilt that I started had one side left to bind when we left Seattle.  I remember vividly finishing up the binding the day after we heard the news: Inoperable.  I remember holding that quilt close as I gave into the sorrow-- my son is going to die, stitch, my son is going to die, stitch.  I remember thinking, this quilt, this last quilt that I made with my Caden from fabrics we chose together, means too much to give away right now.  I finished it, folded it up, and tucked it away.  I told myself that I would give it when the time was right, when I could imagine it leaving my heavy heart and my empty arms.  I know who will get it, someday.  One day, she will receive it in the mail, unexpected and full of surprise, with a letter containing heartfelt words from me.  Sue.  Someday...

Because it brought me so much happiness, I've considered making more quilts recently.  I have needed projects that keep me busy, bring me happiness, and can bring happiness to others.  However, each time I went to the fabric store, I felt my anxieties grow and grow.  It felt too soon.  It felt too important.  I didn't want to lay something out and hate it, like some of the quilts I've worked on in the past.  My emotions were too raw, too tortured.  I did not need any more disappointment.  I was not in the right place.  But the desire was still there, so I kept going to Joanne's, hoping for inspiration.  With a Baby Boy for a cousin and a Baby Girl for a cousin's grandchild, I went in search of fabric.  Each trip (and there have been many) I would inevitably end up with my heart burning and racing, too-shallow breaths until I felt faint, and eventually race out, disappointed.  And then it hit me:

Choosing fabrics may be too stressful, but you've already made some that you loved.  Why not buy the same fabric?

At that thought, I burst into tears.  Right there in the Nursery fabric sections of Joanne's.  {I was that emotional}  That was it!  I could take the stress out of the situation by copying my own "genius," bringing myself joy again by making something I already knew I loved.  So I did.  My very first quilt was for Kimberly's son, Daxton (born July 2017).  Beginner's luck had that quilt come together from start to finish without a stress in the world.  The fabric choices were obvious, came together effortlessly, and brought me so much happiness with each step of the process.  This new quilt for my cousin isn't exactly like Daxton's, but the main fabrics that prompted me to make one for Kimberly were the same.  And once again, I felt joy while quilting.  I haven't made one "from scratch" yet (it all starts with fabric coordination), since my emotions and mental capacity are still pretty unstable, but it was a step forward.  A good step forward.