Driving Darling

 For a host of reasons, Shelby hasn't been able to get her driver's license yet, even though she passed the class and tests months ago.  She has been 16 years old for 26 days now but still has to wait one more week.  She has been counting down to getting her license more than she counted down to her actual birthday.

I am so excited for her for a multitude of reasons.  I'd like to admit that I'm most excited because she's excited, but the truth is, I can't wait for her to drive her siblings' places because I want to stay indoors and be lazy.

But there is a part of me that is also struggling.  Shelby has always held a special place in my heart, a place that none of my other children ever can.  She is the baby born after two devastating miscarriages.  I was grateful and excited to hear all of my children's first cries, but hers was the one that I felt the most emotion, the most relief, the most everything.    

I obviously revel in the fact that she's growing up, getting out one step at a time, learning how to navigate the world around her, in this case, literally, but there is also a part of me that looks at her, my Rainbow Baby, and feels a touch of sadness too.  Getting their license is the first step toward independence that shows them they have wings to fly and places other than home to explore.  

I'm excited, truly, I am.  But I am also a bit sad, too.

I am reminded of a story by Lisa Valentine Clark.  She'd trained for weeks to run a race with her son, whereas, he didn't train much at all.  Throughout the race, he kept up with her easily, barely showing any signs of effort as she huffed and puffed.  Just before the end, she told her son that he could finish at his own pace and she'd meet him at the end.  And just like that, he took off, opening up and running at his true speed and ability.  He'd held himself back for her, but when the time was right, he ran for himself.  

Paraphrase: "Because that's what we do-- Teach them to run on ahead without us."

She will always be the baby that lived after loss.  Now, there is a feeling of loss as she lives this new independence.

Seven more days...