Karma

Karma has not been kind to us on the drive home from Mount Vernon/Seattle. Scratch that...The drive to and from. Where it should have taken us 4.25 hours to get there, it took us 5.75, all because of a fifteen mile pile-up. It took us more than an hour to go fifteen miles! Awesome! All of this after we found this...

In our kitchen. 

The stud finder said there was a stud. Nope. It was a pipe. Remember, this was hung in December. 

Good thing there are some excellent mold killers out there. It was not my favorite. 

It has been proven that I choose studs, as evidence of my Mister choice. I think I will just be our stud finder from now on.

We made it to Ashlee's Sunday night, have a grand time, have good news from Caden's x-ray on Thursday, make it back to her house, celebrate Daphnee's birthday this morning, and head for home. And let me just say, we are only half-way home and I want to shoot myself. Here is a play-by-play. 

We head South on I-5, cruise through the blessed HOV Express lane, enjoying the space afforded without all of the packed Seattle traffic. And then the barrier HOV passes the I-90 exit we need to take and sends us packing down I-5 South, only to have to get off at the first exit to get back onto I-5 North. Of Course, there is heinous traffic headed North. 

As we are getting onto the ramp, at the last second it becomes clear that we are getting back on to I-5 South. Randy is steaming mad. It was SO unclear that we weren't on just one ramp, but one that splits. Onto the next first-exit, taking us further down South looking at the miles upon miles of bumper-to-bumper traffic we get to look forward to. Yay!!

By this time in our drive, I am in need of some relief of the bladder kind. So, sort of against his will, Randy stops at a gas station. And my sweet Brennon and Keilie decide that they need to go to, even though they had just gone at Ashlee's without any kind of liquid passing their lips. So we trudge into the store. No bathrooms. Awesome!

Back on to I-5, heading the correct direction. Each and every mile passed in such a slow fashion is only squeezing my bladder harder. It felt literal, people. It was becoming urgent. Finally we made it onto I-90 and took the very first exit. We pulled over at the first place that looked open. No bathroom. I am almost in tears. I am going to pee my pants at 34. In front of my kids!!! Awesome!

We head down the road a little longer to find a blessed Burger King...That won't let you into the restrooms until you order. There was a line five deep. By this time, Randy explodes to the guy that we would order, just open the bathroom for me. I was an emotional wreck, just trying not to cry at the relief. Relief at not peeing my pants, not bladder relief. And then I see Shelby's ear...

It is getting worse. The blood was a tinge the other day. Now it is full-on dark. Talk about emotional wreck. It doesn't hurt her (thank goodness) but I can't understand why it's not better!! And then Brennon starts crying, saying his belly hurts. His motion sickness is coming up. Literally. All over the street, on the way to our car. Awesome!!

We make it onto I-90, and again enjoy open roads in the HOV lane. Until Easton. Where we take a blessed hour to go FIVE miles this time. Shoot me. 

We pass the mess and pull into the next Rest Stop (Randy, this time, just not as urgent) and file our way to the lines. We had all been stuck in that mess. As we were almost to the building, I saw Shelby's bare feet. Oh, crap, her shoe had been washed away in the tide at Deception Pass. I forgot!! And here we were, headed into a Rest Stop. AWESOME!

We make it inside, wait in another line, and finally it is our turn. The woman opens the stall door, stops, and looks at me with disgust. "No shoes?" I kid you not, my nerves were raw. Her life was in eminent danger, folks, and she didn't even know it. I put on my best "Screw You" smile, and syrupy-sweet said, "She lost them in the tide," and pulled the barely-alive woman from the stall, while shoving Shelby in. There is a LINE lady!!! Turn of your judging long enough to let my daughter pee!!! There were a million things I wanted to scream at this lady, but for the second time in less than four hours, I found myself almost crying in the bathroom stall of a disgusting place. 

I.am.done. 

Man, I HATE this drive!!! Seattle is not my favorite place. I can't wait to give it the bird and never return, someday. 

Tolerance

Shelby has had some drainage coming from her ear for a few days. The same thing happened to Jamie's little boy, Caleb, but they told her that it would go away on its own. So we decided to just wait.

However, things changed when it turned bloody. We rushed her to the Urgent Care near Russ's new Middle School and got a very different diagnosis.

 She has a very infected outer ear (not our typical inner ear infection that we are accustomed to with our kids) that is actually more painful than the inner ear infections. He was surprised that she has such a high pain tolerance, since tugging on the ear hurts so much more with this type of infection. She was given both oral medication and ear drops, because of the severity. She has not complained once. 

I guess this shouldn't surprise me. This is the girl that allowed a tooth to be extracted without pain medication. Mostly because we didn't know that it was NOT ready! She stood there and let Randy yank that baby out!!!

YES, she has a high pain tolerance!!!!!

Cutie!

Deception Pass

With Randy having work in Seattle, and Caden having a follow-up x-Ray, we decided to take some time to visit with Ash and Russ. Break-in there home, and all that. 

They were all-too obliging in taking us to some of their favorite hot spots that they've found within the last ten days as Washigton residents.

Deception Pass. Look at the turquoise of that water!!

He gets this from Randy. Remember Cocoa Beach, FL?!

 Proof!

I was mean and made them take this before they got wet.

Me, with my Mister.

Me, with my Sister.

The Wilsterman's. Russ, McKaylee, Austen, Daphnee, Ashlee (with Everly), and Aria.

All-in-all a perfect day. Except when the tide came in and carried one of Shelby's sandals away. Awesome!

Burrell Burls

1. A burl (American English) or bur or burr (used in all non-US English speaking countries) is a tree growth in which the grain has grown in a deformed manner. It is commonly found in the form of a rounded outgrowth on a tree trunk or branch that is filled with small knots from dormant buds.
   
   

   

   Burrell (Burr-Elle): Maternal Grandfather's Surname. Mother's Maiden name. 
   
   

   

   I think Papa Burrell has two adorable burls. 
   
   

   

   We love having Grandparents come to visit. Even when it is for only a couple of minutes to break up a long drive.

Hands

I was snuggling with Brennon yesterday, just enjoying how well he fit next to my side, when I made the comment that he has Daddy's hands. And Caden's hands.

"I want to be just like Caden. Just not the sickness."

Caden just got home from Scout Camp. He made everyone a hand-made gift. Brennon asked if I would take a picture with him and Caden. He truly loves his big brother. 

I like Brennon's Hero choice. 

Shopping

I took this beauty school shopping last night- just the two of us. I may have gone a bit overboard. Here's why...

The first store we went to didn't have her size. And then we hit the jackpot. With each outfit she tried on, I got to see that look, the one that shows a mom (and the world) that she feels pretty. At one point, I had to leave the dressing room- I didn't want her to see me tear up. My sweet "little" girl is growing up. I am grateful to see her grow, it just makes me emotional to see it glowing in her face and countenance. Seventh grade. Wow!!

Oldies

I don't feel old. Even with passing birthdays, I don't feel old. It's aging of much children that makes me feel old. Keilie will be twelve next Saturday. That makes me feel old. And when she asks, "Mom, what's that?"

That makes me feel old. Because I remember, with fondness, cassettes. In fact, Randy and I still have the cassette that Mike Martin recorded our wedding song accompaniment on, so Randy could propose to me on April 14, 2000. 

Oh, cassettes!!

Negative

I got a call this morning from Dr. Hawkins, which I did not answer (I didn't want him to hear my sleep-voice.  It was only 8:00AM, people!) but wish I had.  He was personally calling me (I think that is so cool.  I mean, the number one sarcoma doctor in the nation was calling me, personally!) to tell me that the results are in for the Merck Immunotherapy trial that we had Caden screened for. 

The results are in: Negative.

We're a bit bummed, seeing as this would have been one more option for him down the road, but we're not going to let it distract us from the here-and-now.  In fact, we're hoping for many more negatives in the future.

October's scan: Negative.
January's scan: Negative.
April's scan: Negative.
July's scan:...

You get the idea.

Savor

At Caden's "physical" appointment for Scout Camp, Dr. B gave me a book to read.  All about Cancer.  He, himself, had cancer a few years back.  He showed Caden his radiation scars, told him all about how he'd flown back to New York 10 times in a year- on his own dime- to be part of a clinical trial, and just made Caden feel like they were in a club, or something.  I truly love the doctor that we have here.  Even in the scariest part of our cancer journey, he gave me his cell phone number, assuring me that I could contact him any time, with any question, and he would help in any way he could. 

I have been reading this book any chance I can get.  It hasn't happened as much as I am used to, what with family leaving, cleaning the house, and just plain exhaustion, but I am getting to it a little every day.  Last night I got to a part that had me actually taking a picture of it (I can't highlight it, it's not mine to keep) so that I could always remember the words.  It is from "Anticancer: A New Way of Life," by David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD.

"When we put off till tomorrow the quest for the essential, we may find life slipping through our fingers without ever having savored it.  Cancer sometimes cures this strange nearsightedness, this dance of hesitations.  By exposing life's brevity, a diagnosis of cancer can restore life's true flavor."

"Savored" and "True Flavor" stuck out to me.  I love it when someone uses such vivid words to explain something that we have heard before, when words are changed just enough to make something that is "ordinary" be something that we want to remember.  Suddenly, "Find Joy in Your Journey" becomes something different, something to Savor.

A song that we, as a family, have been listening to a lot is "Photograph" by Ed Sheeran.  Ashlee shared it with us a few days before Caden's last recurrence.  As we were driving home from that pivotal scan, hearts heavy and faces wet, the words almost begged me to listen. 

They are words that have helped me to savor our time together.

"We keep this love in a photograph.  We make these memories for ourselves.

Where our eyes are never closing, hearts are never broken.  Time's forever frozen still."

Tomorrow's goodbye

Russ has been up North, working all week.  Ashlee left yesterday, Tahoe expertly packed by yours truly, leaving her girls with me to more easily move into their home.  Things didn't work out as well as they would have like, being able to move in tonight at 6:00 instead of the Thursday that was given as a definite possibility just days before, but they are super excited to start a new chapter in their lives as Washingtonians.

However, I'm not quite ready to let them go.  They have been in my home since June 30.  Even after all of this time, there has been minimal arguing.  If they become out of sorts with one of their cousins, they just go find another one to play with.  Our tiny home has been filled with games, laughter, water fights, baking, swimming, movies and love.  I will miss them terribly.

As I was putting the girls to bed, tucking them in for the last night under my roof, tears welled in my eyes.  I have been SpOiLeD.  I'm so glad that our parting will be temporary.  Just four hours door-to-door.  Glee!!

I was telling the girls that they would soon be able to start making new friends in their ward and at their schools, starting in just a few weeks, and that I have seen their friendship-making skills first- hand.  Daphnee got a little choked up: "It's going to be so hard to say goodbye.  I just met Evelyn and Cassidy!  They became my best friends just a few days ago, and now I have to say goodbye."  Even she feels the love of our best friends. 

Tomorrow's goodbye won't hurt as much as it used to- saying goodbye to them when they headed back to Texas- but maybe it will be a little harder.  Because with only four hours, it almost seems too close not to see them each week.

In the words and voice inflections of Jim Carrey, from Dumb and Dumber, "I hate goodbyes!"

Grounds

On the evening that we had to tell the kids that the cancer had returned, we knew the exact place we wanted to tell them.  The Columbia River Temple. 

I just got the pictures from Randy's phone.  I had used mine so much on the four hours home (We all know I am the better describer/detail giver of the relationship,) so I took stole borrowed his for a little documentation.  You know how I love a good photo opportunity.

 They are not good quality as far as pixels/lighting go, but they capture the loves of my life perfectly.

 We wanted a calm, peaceful place to help us deliver the news.  As it turns out, Keilie was the only one that really understood what was going on, and even then she really didn't understand.  She even scared Caden a bit by saying, "Caden is going to die!!  Everyone knows that if you get cancer twice, you die.  I don't want to be the oldest!!!"  WOW!  That was hard!

 A group of college kids came to read their scriptures on the grounds.  With all of the beauty, space, and shade, I can't understand why they chose to sit right next to us.  It kind of dampened our moment, so Shelby suggested that we go to the fountain.  Perfect.

 Brennon was a bit confused.  "So...do we like drink the water and then we are married?"

I got a bit choked up saying, "No, honey.  Mommy and Daddy were already sealed for Time and All Eternity.  We will be together forever."  At the time, I was completely scared that my son was going to die, soon.  We still don't know the final outcome.  But, knowing that we are Sealed makes all the difference in the world.  How grateful I am for the saving ordinances of the temple.

Families Can Be Together. Forever!

Bored games? No way!!

Because Caden is still restricted from doing many activities that make summer summer, yet not wanting to stop him from doing stuff with Zachary, we decided to have a board game day. We stopped at the store to grab some treats, snacks, and drinks for the afternoon holed up in an above stairs room. 

First thing they did after they set up party-central headquarters, you ask?  Invite Keilie to play. 

It takes two special teenage boys to ask the little sister to hang out. Eventually, having two little sisters and a younger cousin. Not one complaint. 

I'm the luckiest mom of the best teenaged son!!

Busted

McKaylee got her own dinner tonight, and ended up getting way too much milk. Ashlee told her that she needed to 'sit there an finish it,' but by the time she was almost to the end, spoon slowing with each bite, I was ready to gag seeing all the soggy cereal. While Ashlee was preparing to leave, I whispered to McKaylee that she could be done. 

"What would Mom say?"

"It's ok. I say it's alright."

However, it soon turned into a problem when Ashlee started walking in to the kitchen as McKaylee was placing the bowl face-up in the sink, instead of dumping it, like I thought she would. Blazing to dump the evidence of 'our little secret,' McKaylee said, "Mom, Aunt Stephanie said I could be done."

Busted!!

Ashlee has trained her girls well. Or not, depending on which story you commiserate with more. 

Boys

Randy: "If we were to have one more kids, what would you want it to be?"

Caden- Boy
Keilie- Girl
Shelby- Boy
Brennon- Boy
Tyson- Boy

Shelby: "No, I'm not saying I want to have another boy.  I'm saying I want to be a boy!"

Randy: "Ummmmm..... Why?!?"

Shelby: "Boys don't have to do their hair."

May 2010

She should know!

Lazy dayz

We have had a day or two...or ten of not doing chores. 

As seen in this picture of a picture. Um, yep, that is dust. Apparently, Aria couldn't see clearly enough through the haze. 

That's ok. I don't need it dusted to remember how fun it was to float. Well, not float, exactly. More like lay on a green platform, posing. But I could imagine floating. It.was.awesome. 

Strong?

The kids are making their own flavored water from mix-in packets that I don't really like. They thanked me for sharing with them. I am so generous, giving them something I purchased for myself. 

Tyson asked if he could add a little more water. 

Randy: "Tyson, is it too strong for you?"

So, naturally, he lifts the cup above his head to see if it is too strong for him. 

"Nope!"

And then he added more water. 

Matter of Facts!

Our meeting went so.much.better than I could have ever imagined.  In fact, I was the least anxious walking into that hospital than I have been since he was actually in cancer care.  The peace we all felt still brings me to tears.  We were strengthened. 

First and foremost: Caden's cancer is so rare, there is absolutely no data about anything.  Truly, we were given NOTHING.  This should make us terrified (when is it going to come back, how long are we going to have to fight this, is he going to die from this tomorrow or in 80 years?) but instead, without a negative prognosis, it was a very positive meeting.  We are starting from scratch.  We have no preconceived notions about deadlines or deathbeds.  We are making our own history.

How rare: In Dr. Hawkins' recent years of study, he's done a nationwide case study of sarcomas.  Remember, he is the number one sarcoma doctor in the nation.  A few years ago, there was a study of 600 patients.  Of those 600 patients, 39 had Undifferentiated Embryonal Sarcoma of the Liver.  Of those 39, only 6 had recurrences.  Of those 6, five had recurrences in their liver and only ONE had recurrence in the lungs.  Of those 600 patients, only one was like our Caden.  This proves that my son, The Boy in the Bed, is a unique, special Child of God.  Dr. Hawkins said he believed it was unlikely that Caden would have a recurrence, that it came as a bit of a shock that he did.

Ruled Out: There are three things that have been ruled out as possibilities for Caden's case.  1- Radiation.  It is most harsh on both the lungs and the liver.  Caden will never be a candidate for Radiation.  2- PET and MRI scans to detect cancer.  While they are amazing for diagnosis on many forms of cancer, they are not good indicators for Caden.  We will continue to get CT scans every three months.

CT Scans: Here is our miracle.  The tumor that they found this time was actually smaller than they originally thought from the scan on the 7/17/15.  Why?  It was surrounded by inflammation.  The miracle is this:  Because of the smallness of the actual tumor, without that inflammation, they would not have been able to see it in the CT scan.  Because it had inflammation, we were able to find it three months sooner.  We were able to ressect it three months sooner.  We were able to positively diagnose the cancer three months sooner.  We will be able to move forward the next time we find a tumor.  And we will.  It is almost a 100% guarantee that it will come back.  Soon.  We have been carried through our trials.  Because it has to be a certain size to be seen on CT scans, Dr. Hawkins said it wouldn't be necessary to have him scanned monthly, since this small tumor was only found after the three month scan because of that inflammation.  Our next scan is in October.  We have been given an amazing gift: Three months to live our lives to their fullest.

Options: We were given many options.  Some of which scared me as soon as he spoke them, but all of them sound optimistic now that he has explained them all.  It is important to realize this: He has ZERO data on Caden's particular cancer.  He can't tell us survival rate, likely possibility of it coming back, how scary it is that it has come back, where we should go from here, which option we should choose.  All of the options he gave us have been found to work for other sarcomas.  We just don't have any data for his.

~Resection- We would just wait for it to come back and cut it out, like this time.  I gasped.  Being so fresh off of the worst surgery he has ever had (It still strikes me that he was in more pain after this surgery than his 11-hour one in May 2014) I couldn't imagine having him go through that multiple times in his life.  Yikes.  No!  However, he said that with osteosarcomas, this is the thing he would have told us to do.  We wouldn't have an option.  That is the only option.

~Wait- He began this line with, "I know it can scare some people to just do nothing..." this is where my hand shot up.  I was overcome with emotion at the thought of just letting the cancer continue to grow.  I was all pumped up to prevent it.  As it turns out, this is the choice we are taking.  I'll explain later.

~Chemo- In this, there are three different types of options.
*Aggressive- He would get five Rounds of intense Ifosphamide.  This is the drug that he had last time.  Where I thought he was resistant was actually not quite true.  While it didn't prevent him from ever getting it again, it did kill that massive tumor.  DEAD!  The higher doses have been shown to be a very effective option for other sarcomas that have a high likelihood of returning often.  However, we know what that means: hospital stays, inpatient, low counts, more hospital stays, loss of hair, nausea, crazy mind warping.  With Caden's insistence that he will NOT get another feeding tube, this one is pretty much our last effort.  Nausea means loss of weight which means NG tube.  Not unless it is absolutely necessary.  He is old enough to make that kind of decision.
*Out-patient- This would be one option where he would get different chemo drugs intravenously a couple times a week in the clinic for as long as it takes.  He would be needed in Seattle a lot, but he wouldn't be in-patient as much.
*Pill- This would be taken each day.  He would have a lot of blood work needed here in Richland, but he would be able to be home.  The side-effects are just different.  Not as nauseous- that sort of thing, however, it would turn his hair white.  Snow white.  After time- it would begin to change his skin tone, as well.  Sue had a mixed-race patient that made the comment that "she was starting to look more like Sue's daughter," because her mother was African-American.  Truth-be-told, I believe this is the one that sounded the most desirable to Caden.

~Case-Study Trial: Seattle Children's is one of only three hospitals in the nation that is trying a new kind of therapy.  It is one possibility that may end up being an option for us when his cancer returns.  We have consented to send in a sample of Caden's tumor to be tested by Merck to see if his cancer has a certain kind of protein.  If it does not, that option is not viable for us, ever.  If it does, Caden could, potentially, be a candidate to be included in the trial.  The catch...he has to have an active tumor.  They have to be able to track and measure the progress of the trial-drug.  If he has that protein, it will be one more option in our back pocket.  We are all fairly certain that his cancer will return.  This option may end up being our modern-day miracle.

These were the options that we were given.  Dr. Hawkins told us that we could choose any one of the Chemo options and begin tomorrow (today).  However, without any known cancer in his body (He told us Cancer Free, by definition, is the lack of visible, known cancer.  I may be paraphrasing, just a bit) we wouldn't be able to really track.  What if it never came back, yet we had him taking that daily-pill?  What if it didn't recur for another 14 months- like our last resection to recurrence?  However, maybe it was the extra two Round that kept it away for a year, who knows.  There is just no right option to choose.

Our Choice- We have chosen to wait.  We know it will come back.  We now have proof that it is cancer, so we won't have to have any more proving- we can just begin therapy.  Our plan is to find a tumor, choose one of the Chemo or Immunotherapy trial drugs, see how the tumor reacts to the option, KILL it, and then get.it.out.  With this option, it has been helpful in other cancer cases that once you find what kills the recurrences, you kill the cancer.  You just have to have an active tumor.  Which he does NOT at this time!!!  Wahoo!!  Oh, yeah!!  Par-Tay!!  There is no guarantee that Chemo would prevent it from coming back.  I want our lives to go on as "normal" until it does.  And when it does, we feel more prepared and assured, than ever before. 

It is quite liberating to remove the "what the heck would we do if it did come back? Please, please, please don't let it come come," from our lives.  We know it will come back.  It will be a pleasant surprise in three months if it hasn't come back, yet.  Our lives will go on as it has for a year- living three-months at a time.  But during that three months, we are going to LIVE!  We are going to take each day as it is: A gift to be alive, 'healthy,' and together.  Oh, and listening to my kids, at this very second, I guess we are going to argue, scream, and cry, too.

I appreciate all of the love, support, and prayers.  I am telling you, they were felt yesterday.  The Spirit was in that room.  It was calm, peaceful, and encouraging during a scenario that should have been anything but.  We don't know how long we will be able to dodge the 'cancer bullet' this time, but for now, I am content.  My Caden is bragging about winning an Uno match against Keilie.  Shelby, Brennon, and Tyson are standing up for the sibling they think should have won, or did win.  I have a three-month break (hopefully longer) from witnessing the physical suffering of Caden, and the emotional suffering of my other kids.  My Mister is out working to provide for our comfort, selling his goods to make the law enforcement industry a safer place. 

Our home is still our Heaven on Earth.  

We have everything we could ever want.  

We have each other.  

Now, and for Eternity.

Lions' Den

I received an email last night from one of my good friends.  She had seen the blog post, and thought of me.  I think it perfectly describes what I have been through, what I will go through, and what I am about to do today.  It is from www.lessonsofamother.blogspot.com

~If Daniel was a man of great faith, and faith produces miracles, why didn't the angel just take him out of the lions' den?  He could have.~

Because if he did, Daniel would have missed the whole experience of being IN the lion's den but not being eaten alive.  He would have known God's power to deliver him FROM difficulty, but he wouldn't have experienced God's power to deliver him IN difficulty.  That's a whole different level of power and requires a whole different level of faith.

There was not just one single lion in that den.  There was a whole group of lions ready to rip Daniel apart, but his faith was sufficient, and God's power was sufficient, that none of them got a single bite.  At times in our lives, we feel like we've been thrown to lions- lots of them- all ready to eat us.  But instead of spending our energy wondering why God isn't taking us out, we can step back and realize, "I'm not being eaten alive in here... even though I should be.  Somehow I am going to come out of this alive."  Then look around and see God's angels who are holding back your lions.

At times I've begged to just be taken out of this.  But look at what I would have missed!  I would have missed the angels, on this side of the veil and the other, who have literally held back the lion's jaws.  I would have missed a deeper relationship with God, and I would have missed the person I've become.

So take another look at your lions and be grateful for them.  When you experience deliverance IN the lion's den, suddenly your faith and trust rise to a whole new level- one that never would have been possible had you just been delivered FROM it.

 We are headed into a 'den' today.  The words we are going to hear, the realities that Caden will have to face (as a 14 year old boy), and the possibilities placed before us feel like larger-than-normal lions.  I am trying to show faith.  But, in reality, I am scared.

I have used the story of Lazarus in a different analogy in my life, but I think it applies to this scenario, too.  Jesus knew what would happen to Lazarus.  He could have prevented it.  He could have been in the town and healed him.  But he didn't.  He needed to have a way to prove his power.  However... When Mary and Martha were in utter despair, crying, yet showing their faith that, 'If thou had been here, our brother would still live," He cried with them.  He knew it was hard for them.  He felt their sorrows.  He knew their sorrows.  He came to earth to experience our emotions.  He knew what He was about to do, yet he allowed them to cry.  He comisserated with them, loved them, and then showed His power.

I am not saying that He will save my son because I believe He can.  His will is the only thing that will determine the outcome.  No, I am saying that He knows I am scared.  He knows my sorrows.  He has heard my prayers.  He has seen my gallons and gallons of tears.  He knows today is going to be hard.  It is OK to cry.  This life was meant to be hard.  I am going into my den today with my hands full of my husband's hand on one side, and my son on the other.  But, more importantly, with my Heavenly Father in my heart.  I know He will guide us which option to choose.  He loves us that much.

Confirmed

It is confirmed.  Caden still has Undifferentiated Embryonal Sarcoma of the Liver.  He has never truly been Cancer Free.  We meet with the team of doctors tomorrow to be given our options.

We expected this news, but it doesn't make it any easier.  It still feels like I have been stabbed in the gut.  With a flaming sword.  With a poisoned tip.

I sent an email to Sue last night at 11:04PM, telling her that we had been down the road where they waited until they had all of the answers before giving us any type of news.  We were not interested in waiting until they had every detail, we just wanted an idea as soon as she knew anything.  They gave us little snippets last time, things like, "It does show malignancy," and the such, so they knew it was cancer before they knew what kind it was.  We just wanted that kind of news as soon as possible.  She sent me an email response at 7:21AM saying that she had already checked with Pathology, that the news had not posted yet, but that she would check throughout the day and let us know the prognosis as soon as she could.  She even promised.  She is a great comfort to me.  And as it turns out, they had the exact diagnosis.  Mostly because they already had the samples from before.

My heart is broken.  But I feel a kind of peace, too.  I can only attribute this to the many, many prayers and fasts on our behalf.  Thank you all for that!  They are being heard by a loving Heavenly Father. 

I truly feel that I was given months of depression/PTSD to be able to handle this right now.  I struggled so hard for so long.  However, I had a sort of coming around a few weeks before we went in for that scan.  It was heaven to feel like myself again.  I was giddy with relief.  It's as if I had had time to come to grips with the scenario before it even truly happened.  I have not felt the anxiety and intense urge to run, like I felt at Brennon's ear-tube surgery, and many times after.  I have not felt the absolute despair I have felt the last few months.  I feel as if my mind is able to accept/process/handle more than I could since January.  I know my mind is in fight vs. flight mode with this all, but I had a turning around a few weeks prior to all of this.  I can look at the past months and be grateful that it happened sooner, rather than later- which is NOW!  I have been carried and strengthened for this outcome, for months.  It is a confirmation that He knows me.  He loves me.  That although things are hard, I have not been left alone.  It was my little nudge- the way Heavenly Father has always prepared me for hard things.

STUPID CANCER!!!

STUPID CANCER!!!

STUPID CANCER!!!