Fear

I have stumbled upon many articles or stories about cancer since this happened to us.  I'm not sure if I just didn't pay attention until now, or if I truly haven't read much about cancer, but it seems that I have stumbled upon it more than ever the last few months.  An article that I read yesterday had me a little worried.

"Research suggests that medical imaging like CT Scans may be contributing to many cancer diagnoses and deaths.  A New York Times article from last winter examined a study from the National Cancer Institute that found a connection between cancer and exposure to radiation in routine imaging like CT Scans.  As the Times cited, one in 10 Americans has a CT Scan every year, but many people have several.

NCI estimated that CT Scans conducted in 2007 will cause a projected 29,000 excess cancer cases and 14,500 excess deaths over the lifetime of medical imaging patients.  The Times extrapolated that estimate to claim that 'unless we change our current practices, 3 percent to 5 percent of all future cancers may result from exposure to medical imaging.'"

I'm not sure why I happened to read this statement on the exact day that he finished chemo, but the next step in his long-term care is a CT Scan on July 17th.  And then one every three months for the first 18 months, one every six months for the next 18 months, and then one on year four and five.  This will work out to be 10 CT Scans in the next 5 years for Caden.  This is as long as nothing comes up again.  I feel like I should say Knock on wood or something.

This is where my fears start.  What if he gets a cancer again because of the imaging?  However, what if the same thing happens to us again?  Caden was a healthy boy before all of this happened.  He'd had a Scouts physical less than one-year before that turned up nothing.  He ate right, followed the curve on the growth chart (although he has always been on the lower end of the curve) and was doing just fine.  Or so we thought.  A CT Scan was needed to find the Large Grapefruit Demon hiding behind his ribs, devouring his liver.  I trust the doctors to know what best to do, but it scares me to think that he'll have that many CT Scans over the next five years, all of which could actually cause him to have cancer.  It's a vicious cycle, it feels like; one that is our reality now.

And then, just three hours later, sitting together, ecstatic to have the chemo done, Caden clapped and cheered, "NO MORE CHEMO!!!!! EVER!!!!!!"  And then he instantly got solemn.  "Well, unless it comes back."  I could see raw terror in his eyes at this realization.  My son, the one that has been my rock, was thinking ahead, worrying about things that no child should ever worry about.  And it broke my heart. 

So this morning, as we were preparing to be discharged, we made a pact, he and I. 

We will not live in fear!! 

We will not waste our energy on things that we can't change/control.  We'll live life to it's fullest.  If, heaven forbid, cancer touches our lives again, we'll cross that bridge together- just like this time.  But for now...we won't fear.  If anything, cancer should be very afraid of us!!  We are stronger than ever.  United as one.  And nothing, nothing is going to change that!!  Ever!

And, just so you know, we have given his hair, eyebrows, and lashes permission to start growing- again.  We won't do anything to stop it's growth again.  When he was born, I was SO happy to have a boy.  It had been a dream to have a blonde haired, blue eyed boy.  And guess what?  I got it.  Now I think it would be great to have a blue eyed boy with hair.  And guess what?  I'll get it!

I'm the luckiest girl in the world!!!