Highs and lows

I have been having some extreme highs and lows this week. It has all been very confusing. And discouraging. I'm not sure how I can feel so sad and tired when all I wanted for months was to be with my kids- all I want is one more month of summer. And yet, sometimes I feel as if all I want to do is sit in my room and cry. How can I feel this way when I have everything that I want? When I have everything that truly matters? 

I decided that it was time for a break. I have been running, running, running for the last month (since January 31st, really) making sure that my kids are happy. Making sure that they have fun amidst the sorrow. Making sure I fit as much time in as I can with them. I was seeing more and more anger coming into my life. That is what depression does to me- it makes me mad. And then I'm mad because I'm mad...and I don't like to be mad. I am a happy person, dang it!!! So it was time for a little me-time. So I called a friend to go to a movie. And that's what we did!!

Rebecca picked me up at 1:10 for the 1:30 showing of The Giver. That is one of my all-time favorite books. It is a pondering-book for me. Something that is not just an easy read, or a forget your sorrows book, but something that makes me ponder my own life kind of book. I thoroughly enjoy reading that book each year. I was worried, after viewing the previews, that it wasn't going to be good. Boy was I wrong! It is a buyer for me!! I LOVED how they portrayed it and how I came away, from both the book and the movie, profoundly grateful for the choices we have and the chance to love. It was beautiful!! I was feeling great!!

Until I got home to screaming, tattling kids, two card games exploded on the floor, an overturned bowl of popcorn on the carpet, lunch dishes still on the table, and this...

You see it correctly. 

A fat whole in our upstairs bathroom. The bathroom that Keilie locked herself in, threatening to call mom because Caden had taken the remote control and would not let her watch a movie that the other kids did not want to watch. To say the good feelings from the show melted away the second I stepped into our home would be a gross understatement. I went past ground level, and headed straight to six feet under. 

I understand that anyone would be mad at the scenario- good feeling movie or not- but the thoughts and rage that I felt went far beyond normal emotions. The images of actually throwing each child into their room was so vivid, it was scary. Instead if saying a single word, I allowed Caden to go to Rebecca's house (Zach called at the exact moment he needed to) and loaded up the other kids for an out of the house activity. I had free passes to Get Air that I used to be away from my kids. Some may see this as a reward for bad behavior, but honestly, it was their saving grace. I set them loose to be away from me. I didn't want to say, or do, anything that I would later regret. 

They jumped for one hour, came home for a dinner I knew they didn't want/like, and then went to their rooms for the rest of the night. I made sure to lay the guilt on thick, realizing that they could never understand what they had really done. I know children are selfish, I remember being selfish myself, but I needed this time- and it was ruined by thoughtlessness from children. And maybe my own expectations. 

I know there is need of opposition in all things, that we need bad days to truly appreciate the good ones- and we have had many good ones recently. But wowser!! I am tired!!

Most days I don't mind Randy being gone. I miss him, sure, but I can hold down the fort for him to have the job that he loves. But, man oh man, I can NOT wait for him to come home today. I will refuel my batteries as much as I can before he leaves again on Sunday. Such is the life we live. And love. And, regardless of what happened last night, I would choose no other life. Because I know my life is more grand and fulfilling than any Disney Princesses ever portrayed.