I was going to go back and add stuff to my Disney World posts after we returned from Utah, but time has been going too fast. I realize now that I will never have enough time to fully portray all that the trip entails. While in Utah, my family told me that I hadn't sat down and told them all about it. But, even then, I didn't feel like there was enough time to fully express what it meant to us, what we experienced, and what it still means to us. There will never be enough time to go back and add. So, I've decided to simply add things as I do have time.
While the trip may be over and we are living our lives, it will never be over in our hearts. It will continue to be something that we think about, that we laugh about, that we dream about, that we talk about, and that we cry about. It will creep up in our minds as much as it appears in our coming years of journal books. We may not be able to live it always, but it will always live in our hearts and memories.
2014 was a year of ups-and-downs. It started with sickness and ended with sickness. It feels a little scary to realize that January 2014 began with a viral infection that went from child to child, and January 2015 has begun much the same- viral infection. We have had much sickness for many weeks, just like 2014. In all honesty, I feel quite anxious about it. I can't help but be afraid that these last few weeks have been Heavenly Father's way of preparing us, giving us good times to remember when the awful strikes again. That when we go on January 20, 2015, we are going to get news that 2015 will be much like 2014, viral infections that lead to cancer care. I hope beyond hope that that is not the case, but my mind will not shut off about it.
Fear has gripped my heart and strangled my breath once more.
This, in no way, lessens my faith. I know that our lives are lead by the hand of a loving Father in Heaven. I know that the refiners fire is necessary to mold a creation into something exquisite. I want to become like my Savior, Jesus Christ, and to do this, must have trials. I just feel a little raw, right now. I continue to have moments of weakness, where my mind will remember a horror from months gone by that will bring me to tears. I know that we are never ready for challenges, for if we were, it wouldn't be a challenge. I know that life was never meant to be easy, otherwise, why would we be here? That doesn't make it easier.
After my first miscarriage in 2005, I was excited to see two pink lines so quickly. As I went to my first appointment with my new doctor, I cried in the room while looking at the ultrasound machine. I was scared that they would find a motionless baby once more. What a relief it was to see the movement, and to be told that after seeing the heartbeat, I had only a 3% chance of losing another. And yet, a few weeks later while attending a cousin's wedding, I found a spot of blood. Just a spot. And I knew. That little spot was a preparation, a soft nudge. We left the wedding, called the doctor's office and asked them to stay late while we drove the three hours home, and found out the news we already felt- we had lost another baby despite the slim chances. I was devastated. While looking back over the past weeks, then, and even looking back now, I am grateful for the little nudges that have prepared me for things to come. The feelings that have entered my mind and heart, the stories I have heard that have beckoned compassion and empathy, and even the people that have entered my life at appropriate moments, have all been blessings that foreshadow rough times. But, most of all, moments of sweet reassurance that I am loved, that I am watched over, that I am lead.
During Fast and Testimony meeting on January 5, 2014, I felt such a need to bear my testimony about a song, by Jenny Phillips.
Live Like You Believe
You have felt the warmth of the fire, you have seen a glimmer of light.
It's something that you have been missing inside, it's something that you have been longing to find.
Hold on to the yearning, and wherever you are on the journey
Live like you believe, live like you know
It's one sure way your faith will grow.
Listen to your heart, search in your soul
And you'll find the strength that you need
His light, the gift of His peace, when you live like you believe.
There are things you have to let go, you might feel you're just hanging on
When you find yourself alone and afraid, questioning all the choices you've made.
Hold on to the burning, He's leading on through the journey
Live like you believe, live like you know
It's one sure way your faith will grow.
Listen to your heart, search in your soul
And you'll find the strength that you need
His light, the gift of His peace, when you live like you believe.
Hold on to the yearning, and wherever you are on the journey
Live like you believe, live like you know
It's one sure way your faith will grow.
Listen to your heart, search in your soul
And you'll find the strength that you need
His light, the gift of His peace, when you live like you believe.
I am not able to attend Fast and Testimony meeting today with five sick kids. However, today, just like then, I feel the need to bear testimony of the things spoken in this song. I am terrified that I am being given little nudges. Life has been so good these last six months. Our trip was wonderful. We saw every single member of our extended family this last trip. Caden hugged many that prayed for him, and us. We have been blessed. And now the same type of sickness that started us down our recent journey. I hope that it is just a coincidence. A little nudge to remind us to love deeper, be kinder, and share more, instead of a nudge of warning. But, if not, if our lives are touched by cancer or trial once more, I will continue to live like I believe. Because I do believe! Deep in my soul. I may be paused by fear, but I will live by faith.
Today I am going to order our 6th blog book to be printed. To differentiate each year, I have chosen different colors for each cover. While contemplating which color I would choose for this year, I realized that yellow would be the next choice. And then it hit me, yellow is the color for childhood cancer. How fitting, don't you think?
2014 may have been a very trying year for our family, but it is one that I will look back on with love. We were shown so much. How strong our Caden is, how valiant and courageous. We were shown the love, compassion, and strength of each of our other children. We were shown sacrifice, love, willingness, and service by family, friends, and strangers, alike. We are made better by our trial; stronger by becoming more humble, and happier because of our hardships.
I am grateful.
I am tired.
I am ready.
Bring it on 2015!
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