Fear

I love the feelings that accompany General Conference. I love being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I love President Thomas S. Monson. 

Yesterday he talked about fear. It made me a bit uncomfortable, to be completely honest. Because, as the date for Caden's next scan looms closer and closer, I feel fear beginning to creep into some of my thoughts.  My question is this: Is the fear that I am feeling inhibiting my faith?

I remember getting ready for Keilie's birth. As the days came closer and closer, I remember getting more and more nervous for her birth. I remembered the pain. With Caden, I had only text-book knowledge of the pains of childbirth. With Keilie (and each subsequent babe) there was no wondering, I knew the pain. I knew that the outcome would eventually end. I knew that what I was doing was wonderful, that the outcome was going to be better than I could have ever imagined, yet I remembered how hard it was. How uncomfortable it made me. I knew what was going to be asked of me. My fear was not about the change that would come because of her birth. My fear was not because of the changes to my entire life. My fear was for the pain. 

The fears that I have now are quite the same. I have Faith that everything that has happened, might happen, and could happen are all guided by a loving Heavenly Father. I know that whatever happens will make our lives better than we ever could have imagined. However, should Caden's scan on October 14 show cancer once again, it is the pain that I fear NOT the outcome or the journey.  I no longer have textbook descriptions of the pains and agony of all that is cancer- I know. I remember. And I fear what may be asked of me to witness of the babe that I delivered with blissful ignorance. I will never forsake my testimony, never, yet I am scared of the physical pain. 

So, I ask again: Is the fear that I am feeling inhibiting my faith? 

I hope this is me.