Since the kids went back to school yesterday (after a 2-hour delay), I have been running like a chicken with my head cut off. I've been getting my house back in order from the days and days of neglect spent playing. I have also finished the two Christmas presents for our parent's: personalized, handmade calendars. Funny thing: I started one for my parents in August, just in case cancer came back in September. When it didn't, I stopped working as tirelessly on it, and bought a second kit to make one for Randy's parents. And now look where I am- January 13th with them in the mail for next week's delivery. Just a tad late. But things are getting back on track. There's just one thing...
After the snow got to be less fun, and when I could not bear the thought of another moment spent at the table playing games, we pulled out Star Wars and settled in for a few episodes. Tyson could not believe that the little boy that loves to fly could one day become Darth Vader. He didn't believe it at first, choosing to argue that it could not be true. A little while later, once episode one ended, he came to snuggle up to me.
"Mom, will I turn to the 'dark side' someday?"
He was dead serious. He has really been thinking about this subject. I wish I could say that it was a fanciful discussion between us, but I just gently brushed it aside, saying that Star Wars is fiction. However, my mind was saying something else. Oh, my mind... Right now it is going through a 'dark side' of it's own. I'm not quite sure when it happened, but I have been feeling the pull towards depression for a few weeks-- possibly since the first stirrings of cancer talk on Thanksgiving morning. It wasn't bad going in to the surgery, in truth it may be a stretch to say it goes back that far, but it sure has been bad since coming home. It's nowhere near as bad as it has been before, but it has me a little scared. I know where this could be headed...
From the moment I realized what was happening, I sat down to talk with Randy about it. From then on, he's added a plea for me in all of our prayers. After the first one, Keilie innocently asked,
"Mom's depressed? What does she have to be depressed about?!"
You may think that because she's a teenager she said it with a snotty attitude, but she didn't at all, it was a sincere, confused question. That's the thing that always gets me-- What do I have to be depressed about? Things are going SO well right now! He's healed better and faster than any other time, he's been eating like crazy, he's back to his old life. We all are. It has been an amazing month since returning home from Seattle!!! So why do I need to struggle so much?!
Randy took Caden to his chemo appointment today. He's gained weight in the weeks since our care conference, which is great to hear, but not all that unexpected after the freezer food he's blown through. While there, Randy was texting me, asking about all of the medications that we have at home, in case she needed to prescribe more for the next couple of weeks. As I was getting them all out, counting how many pills he has of each of the many prescriptions, I could feel the darkness threatening to choke me. On top of the chemo pill that could cause him heart damage, headaches and lightheadedness, fatigue, diarrhea, and nausea, he will also have prescriptions to help the side effects. These are medications that I know well. I'm in my element with this box of medicines that make up a very expensive pharmacy in our home. With each one, the reality came crashing down on me, trapping me in my worst nightmares-- we're entering cancer care tonight. Our time of freedom and medical free existence is at an end.
I wish I could wait to freak out until he starts to show side effects at all. But, gosh dang it, I am afraid of it all. I have a very real fear of seeing Caden suffer again, even if it is just a vomit session or two. I just don't want to witness this again. And since the invisible switch of my mind has been switched back on, everything feels that much more suffocating.
Please pray that this chemo pill will have the desired effect on Caden's cancer. Please pray that this chemo pill will not make him mega sick, allowing him his wish to 'be able to go to school so I don't get held back again." Please pray that he'll feel well enough to continue Driver's Education-- it's a rite of passage, and he deserves to get that license!! And please pray that my mind will be able to quickly process whatever it is that it's wrestling with-- I have too much that I'd like to do, without feeling like I'm constantly drowning. I don't want to waste what time I have been given with my whole family trying to change my own mind!!! I'm just so tired.
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