Benchmark

Because my mind is so fragile right now, I decided that I wasn't going to go to an Orange Theory class that I had been looking forward to for weeks: the 12-minute benchmark.  I have been working so hard to get my speeds up, and I have a very real way to track that progress through these benchmarks.  About 2-weeks after joining, I was able to record my base benchmark, so I was going to be able to visibly see my results.  However, because I wanted it so bad, I was afraid to ruin it with my fragile mind.  What if I told myself to go slower than I normally do, or wanted to go?  What if I cried during the running, which would make me need to leave?  What if I didn't hit my goal distance, how would that affect me?  It was causing me too much stress, so I eliminated the stress all-together.  In fact, I canceled for an entire week.  I cannot handle stress.

When I woke yesterday, I told myself that if I felt up for it, try running outside.  So I did.  I finished my lunch, felt a surge of motivation, laced up my sneaks, and rushed before I changed my mind.  I knew that I might not get my distance because running outside can be more difficult than running on the treadmill, but I told myself to just see what I could do.  As my 12-minute time went off, I hesitantly looked at my distance, and did a little jump-- I'd beaten the distance I'd hope to get, and kept running!

I gave myself one last goal: run for two miles.  We'd run 1-mile a few Saturday's ago, where I also beat my own record, so I wanted to break another record of running 2-miles outside for the first time.  I did it all at my own pace, on my own time, without any expectations or pressure.  It felt amazing.  I'm so happy to see progress in my strength and endurance, and happy to know that I can do hard things, even when my mind is fragile.