Smiles

 See Tyson's 'smile'?

  There are many, many, many pictures where he looks this 'happy'!

 Even with the trolls, he could barely contain his infection 'grin'.

 When I asked him why he wasn't smiling, he said, "Because I was just tired of smiling.  We had to smile every day! I just didn't want to anymore so I told myself that I wouldn't."

This wasn't even our last day!  Little did he know, I would have him smile a lot more after these beauties!!

Shelby's Baptism Photos

Baptism date:

Saturday, January 31, 2015 at 4:00PM.

Doesn't she look gorgeous?!

Pluto, please!!

Man, I love Keilie's face!!

We were just walking by the photo shoot with Pluto and got pulled in to take a picture.  Not wanting to take too much time- since we weren't even looking to take a picture, let alone butt in line- I told everyone to turn around for the picture.

 So my kids turned around the the front, while Pluto turned around to the back!  It was pretty funny!!

 And then he posed!

How fun is that?!

I think it would be so much fun to pretend to be a Disney Character.  Tyson told me later that he didn't want to take pictures with any of them.  "They just look fake!"he says.  And yet, he always asks to see the ones that he's in.  And why wouldn't he?  All of the smiles from this trip look amazing.  

We were all just so.darn.happy!!!

Proof

 PROOF:

I live with a couple of monsters!

Thoughts

During the drive on Friday, I was a bit tired.  And restless.  And anxious.  The kids had been great to help me get the house picked up before we left, but I felt a sense of nerves that good behavior wasn't calming.  I have made that drive many times now, but I still have places along the road that remind me of that first drive.  The one I made by myself with my two men waiting ahead, totally stressed and upset.  At one point, I got the call from Randy saying that the tumor was about the size of a softball.  I was crying hysterical (not the best option on the phone, I know, but I wanted to get there fast!) and asking why they couldn't whisk him into surgery right then and there.  In hindsight, I realize they knew what they were doing and they had the best option available, but when your son's life is hanging in the balance, you want to get things that could kill him out as soon as possible.  So, when this bend in the road came, I remembered that call and felt my breath starting to accelerate.  I was quickly becoming a mess.

Our first scan in October wasn't as hard as this one.  I think it has something to do with the sickness that we had.  I was such a basket-case worrying that it was all a deja-vu thing happening.  Even when the Seahawks won the game this week, I was almost convinced that we would be watching another SuperBowl from the hospital wing at Seattle Children's, just like last year.  So many things were happening just like last year.  Everything right down to the virus that started it all.  It just felt so familiar.  And completely scary.  This scan had me almost ralphing as we walked in the doors.

Anyway, back to the drive.  I kept thinking that I wish that we could do the CT Scan in Richland, since we know that they have the technology- that was where he had his first Scan- and then have Sue call us when she got the report.  While I was asking for relief from my memories and wallowing in self-pity, a different thought entered my head.  Although it is hard to drive seven hours total for an appointment that takes 4 hours tops, I'd much rather take the drive and get any news in the office, than get a call saying we need to hurry to Seattle Children's.  I've done that once before.  It was not pleasant.  I can imagine what it would be like to drive all that way just to hear bad news. With this thought came peace.  Because, now, instead of looking only at the road that I hate to travel, I looked to the sky and enjoyed the sunshine.

We can now enjoy another three months together.  They will not be as busy as the last three, and for that I am grateful.  Life is good!  So, so good!!!

STILL!!!

Caden is STILL cancer free!!!

Blog books

UPS delivered our blog books to the wrong address. I'm so glad to have them tonight. Because of the sheer size of our year, I sat at the computer three times as long as any other year. 

When it was impossible to do just one, I thought I would just do one from January 1- June 30 (the last day of cancer care) and then the second for the other half of the year. Nope. So, to make a long story short (making your reading of this post less than three times as long) one is until Caden's birthday in May, the other is the rest of the year. 

And, just in case we didn't already know 2014 was a big year for our family, we have proof in the books. Our two books for 2014 are the same size as three of our previous years. I'd say that speaks volumes. Get it?! Volumes. Like volumes of books. No? 

*cough* 

Never mind. 

The Girl on Fire

Today started with me taking Keilie to her babysitting clinic.  I came home excited to put the other kids to work.  I had told them that we were going to work all day earning tickets.  They were less than thrilled, until I told them the amount of tickets they would earn for each chore.

I grew up doing a lot of work on Saturday mornings.  Since my parent's both worked, any my dad went to school, most of the time the house was neglected.  We had our daily chores, but we didn't do anything close to deep cleaning.  This left only Saturday to do all of the work.  Since I stay at home, I make sure to do all of these kinds of chores during the week, so we can play as a family on Saturday.  And more times than I'd like to admit, the chores are actually neglected until the next week if I don't get them done.  Saturday and Sunday are rest from housework days for us.

With Randy being in Michigan over the weekend, I recruited the kids' help to get my ever-growing to-do list accomplished.  What started as a seemingly small list quickly turned into much, much more.  After all, we're talking about the family that took an idea for a kitchen remodel on Sunday, started pounding walls on Thursday, and had it pretty much finished only 34 days from thought to finished.  Once we get it into our heads, it explodes into something more.

We started in the boys' room.  Moving furniture, organizing toys, and moving furniture again, we got the boys room cleaned with enough room to make their big train set.

Then we cleaned the girls' room.  Not as much to do, but still a bit of cleaning.

Then we tackled the laundry.  All of the laundry.  For all seven people, minus the clothes on our backs.

Then Caden's room, which wasn't a lot at all since we recently switched rooms.  For the last time.  I promise!

Then we sanitized all of the bathrooms.  I love the smell of a crystal-clean bathroom.  After this, the kids were done with what they could help with.  Yay for Netflix hour hours!  In my defense for why they stayed indoors...rain.  In January.  I love it!!

While this was happening, I was downstairs putting stuff away from the night before.  I'd gone to a movie (Into the Woods) and dinner (Greek Gyro, YUM) with Jamie, leaving Caden home to babysit.  I told him to just have fun with the kids, so the house was a bit of a  total  dive when I got home.  It was nice to drop all expectations and not be upset to come home to the mess.  Especially since I went straight upstairs to bed.  Awesome!  While cleaning, I realized that it's been ages since I cleaned our carpets.  YUCK!  So, I asked Caden to help me get all of the furniture out of the front room and into the dining room.  Talk about calorie burner.

Well, then I realized that will all of the other furniture out of the way, it would be a perfect time to move the entertainment center and paint behind it.  Yes, when we painted the walls, the HEAVY E.C. was left where it was and painted around.  We are lazy creatures, sometimes.  So, I took down all of the decorations, moved that massive beast BY.MYSELF and started cleaning the carpets.  While they were drying, I painted the wall and put the decorations back on the E.C.  All while getting the kids dinner.  And cleaning up that dinner.  I'm hoping the carpet will be dry enough by the time the kids go to bed so I can take that time to move the furniture back into the front room and clean the kitchen.

And then go to bed.

Because deep cleaning an entire house in one day is crazy.  And, yet, doable when you become The Girl on Fire!!!

Keilie Ann- Cutie Pants

Keilie came home the other day with a life-plan.  She knew exactly what she was going to do with the rest of her life.  First, she was going to take a class offered through the hospital that will teach and train her for babysitting.  Then, with the business cards that she will get from the class (and the certificate that she'll get) she'll start a babysitting business with her friend, whom is also taking the babysitting class.  Then she will buy a turtle.  And then she will go to College.  And she will live happily ever after.  Sounds like a perfect plan for happiness.

The babysitting class is today.  From 8:30-2:30, my little girl will be learning how to become a certified babysitter.  She is growing up so much.  With a pang of sadness, I realized that this is her last year in Primary.  She will join the Young Women's Organiztion in August.  My daughter will be a tween this year.  Oh how I love her.  She tests my patience more than any of the other kids, but she is also the most determined of them, as well.  She will go places in life.  She will be a great mother, wife, and woman.  I am lucky to be her mom!

The other day I asked her to clean the kitchen sink and counters.  First order of business, grab the rubber gloves.  She is my daughter, for sure.  In case you couldn't see it in her face.  I love my mini-me!

Worried?

It's that time of year again~~ New World Systems company party and sales meeting.  I have been able to go the last two years, but with all of the time I've spent away from my kids this year, and traveled in the last few weeks, I asked to stay home with my babes.  I am having a hard time being away from them these days.

So, instead of me boarding the plane with my sweetheart, I gave up my seat to his brother, Stephen.  The one that was with Randy during all of the childhood antics (and probably instigated them all).  The one that was witness to Randy getting a ticket for not wearing a life jacket in Arizona during a family reunion in 2010.  The one that got his jaw broken on Thansgiving day, just 20 minutes before the turkey was done.  Should I be worried?  A whole weekend, just the two brothers?

Yes, I'm worried.  Very worried. 

But, in all honesty, I am happy.  Not only do I get to be with my kids, but Randy gets to spend a weekend with his best friend (aside from me, of course).  No kids.  No schedules.  No construction.  Just fun.

I wouldn't give up my place by Randy's side for just anyone, you know.

Two Families

 Darwin and Jackie Dirks Family

Established January 16, 1970

Bottom Row: (LtoR) Brennon, Tyson, Shelby, Keilie, Hudson, Carson, Caden

Middle Row: Darwin, Jackie, Geri, Stan, Tristan, Sherry

Back Row: Natalie, Allyson, Stephen, Dylan, Sierra, Dan, Karen, Stephanie, Randy, Erika, Tyson, Ryan

Wayne and Rachelle Burrell Family

Established July 18, 1980

Front Row: Brooke, Kenyan, Daphnee, Austen, Tyson, Brennon, Keilie

Middle Row: Danielle, Payton, McKaylee, Shelby, Caden, Stephanie

Back Row: Taylor, Russ, Aria, Ashlee, Rachelle, Wayne, Randy

Paths

Growing up, I went to Elementary Kindergarten through sixth grade, Jr. High seventh through ninth grade, and High School tenth through twelfth grade.  I may have known there was another way to do it back then, but as I sit here right now, I don't really remember.  That was the way that it happened for me, so that is the only way that mattered.

When Caden started Kindergarten, Casper had full-day.  I was excited for him to be able to go to school, he was ready.  He loved everything about learning, and order, and socialization.  The same could be said about Keilie, but only about socialization.  When I asked her about her first day of school, what she liked most, her reply was "Carrying the lunch tray during lunch time."  Awesome!

Shelby's Kindergarten experience was quite a bit different.  She began Kindergarten full-day, but we moved 2 months later to a school that had half-day.  Since she had been going to the half-day Preschool at the Elementary, her transition to full-day school happened already.  So, when we moved to Richland and their half-day Kindergarten, Shelby asked me why she was going back to preschool.  For her, half-day at the Elementary was Preschool.

Last year during Brennon's registration and orientation, they asked us if we would vote to have full-day Kindergarten implemented.  I was all for it.  In fact, I put a few exclamation points after my YES.  They told us that they were just testing the waters, seeing who would be for or against the change.  There weren't enough Kindergarten teachers to fill all of the Kindergarten and Preschool classes, so they were trying to swing one of the schools in the district to start full-day.  As it turns out, none of them did.  So, Brennon started full-day school this year.  Leaving Tyson home by himself with me all day.

For years now, I have prepared myself for Tyson to go half-day to Kindergarten in 2015 and then begin full-day in 2016.  That was the plan.  Not one that I liked, but because I'd prepared my mind, I was ready for the change that comes with all of your children going to full-day school.  My life as a stay-at-home-mom was going to change.  I was resigned. 

And then came the news, a few days ago, that Richland School District was going to vote on making the change to full-day Kindergarten next school year.  It was ironic to me that once upon a time I wanted full-day, had even added extra emphasis on my YES, and now was scared of the change.  I am not ready.  I needed more time with a child at home.  My kids are growing up and I am being left behind.  The vote came in last night.  Unanimous.  Full-day begins in August. 

And just like that my world is different.

From my own experience, I felt rushed when my Caden and Keilie left Elementary after fifth grade, instead of sixth.  I feel rushed knowing that Caden is going to be enrolling in High School this year, instead of the extra year in Jr. High, like I am used to.  That is the only way I know, this is new territory for me.  The memories my own kids will have of school are completely different than my own.  And because they are my own memories, I think they are the ones that are correct.  Just as my own kids will think their school experience was the right way to do things.  I just feel rushed.  The years are slipping by too fast.  I'm scared.  Terrified, really.  What am I going to do when they are gone from 7:30-3:30?  The possibilities are endless.  And completely too vast to feel safe.  From the moment August 2000 that we found out I was pregnant, I knew what I was to do.  I knew my purpose. 

I realize that I'm still going to be a mom, that that will not end because they aren't with me in the mornings, but my "job" is changing.  In essence, I'm loosing my job in 7 months and don't know what I want to be when I grow up. 

The saying is completely true, life happens when you are busy making other plans.  And, sometimes, it knocks the wind out of your sails.  I stand at a fork-in-the-road of my life.  I wonder where it will lead me.

That face!!

I found this gem while looking through the Disney pictures again.  This was the second time for the four of us.  The first time, Brennon was the cutie with the scared face in the seat next to mine.

There are so many things I love about this picture.  First, um...my face.  Yep, I guess that is my ugly-scared face.  And then there is Shelby.  To give credit where credit is due, it was a very loud ride.  And then there is Caden, the boy in the bed turned boy that can raise his hands on scary roller coaster rides.  And last, but not least, my little Tyson (who we found out after two rides was too small to even ride once.  I guess we can write that off as a Make A Wish perk).

I love pictures.  Ugly/hilarious face and all.

Random

"Mom, I randomly came up to give you a hug."

"I randomly dropped my CTR ring on the floor."

"Do you like that random happy Minion hat?" (On a shelf, out of place, at Target)

I love my little boy that uses big words. Even when they aren't always used correctly. 

Perception

I took the boys to get their hair cut today. They all, including Randy, get the same haircut every time. Shave 2 on the sides, cut finger length on the top. However, that haircut can be perceived in many different ways, as you can see. 

Brennon's is the longest, it can be made into a tall Mohawk. He was giggling when he came to me. The hair dresser was a bit nervous, she didn't know if she should have let him leave her chair with it. 

Caden's is next longest. I am always amazed at how different he looks with hair. And how dark it has come in. I was so excited to have a boy baby with blond hair and blue eyes. With all sisters growing up and dark hair and eyes of my own, I never thought I'd get my wish, let alone on my first try. 

And then comes Ty. Shortest in hair length and physical size. There is no way that you could even spike it, let alone create a towering Mohawk. 

These cuts, as with some things in life, are left up to our own interpretation. And, sometimes, that is a good thing. Because, for Brennon, it totally works. 

Props

Just as Shelby's face 'says it all' in this picture

Mine tells the most in this one.

When we arrived at the designated spot to meet Mickey on that Monday morning, I wasn't prepared for the emotions that would hit me so hard, so fast.

(Mickey signing Caden's souvenir Mickey, given to him upon checking in to Give Kids The World)

It started when they called Caden up first.  Just Caden.  The other kids were bursting at the seams to get up there, but waited patiently (if not a bit fidgety) for Caden to have his time with Mickey.  I remember thinking, "My kids get to hug Mickey!"  That was the true start of our magical vacation, for me.  I couldn't contain my excitement and happiness.

 Then, finally, finally it was the other kids' turn.  Their screams of excitement were absolutely adorable.  And infectious.  It made me cry even harder.  I was trying my hardest to contain the tears as I watched each child stand in line for their own hug.  Shelby even snuck in two.  They were just so happy to be there with him.  I could not have chosen a better beginning to our Disney days.

Since they had a professional there to take all of the pictures, I was trying my best to stop my emotions from leaking from my face.  Seen here

And here

And, eventually, here

Randy said that as he was checking out of Give Kids The World, they told him (as they were showing him the free 8x10 they had printed for us) that they had never had anyone bring props like this for a picture.  Because of the excessive wind that we had during our family photo shoot back in August, I knew I wanted to take them with me to Florida.  Jamie and I took the time to make them, not to mention the materials, so I wanted to get as much use out of them as possible.  I'm happy that I got to use them here.

And here

The moment this picture was taken, Randy gave Caden permission to throw the props away.  My family may have become a bit tired of all of my photo wishes.  There may have been a million a few complaints about how much I wanted to whip these babies out.  But, come on, people, they are freakin adorable!!  And now they are in the dump.  Oh well, I captured the memory of them forever!

A picture is worth a thousand words.  An expression is worth a million emotions.

What? Huh?

I'm fairly certain that this is my favorite picture of my little Brennon.  Maybe ever before and after.  Look at those rolls!!!  Man, he was such a chunk!!!  Do you not want to just kiss those cheeks?!

Anyway, a couple weeks ago, in November, Brennon came to me saying that something was in his ears.  He was kind of shaking his head, like he was trying to get something out of his ear.  He jumped around a bit, and eventually said that he'd gotten it out.  No big deal.  Didn't think much of it.

A couple of weeks later, the same thing happened.  This time, however, I had noticed that he was saying What? and Huh? a lot more.  Not all the time, and nothing to give me too much concern, but enough to notice that I was raising my voice in frustration a lot more with him.  

More and more it went something like this.

Me: "Brennon, go get your shoes on."

Nothing

Me: (A little louder) "Brennon, go get your shoes on."

Nothing, although maybe he actually looked at me this time.

Me: (A lot louder, totally annoyed) "BRENNON!  Go get your shoes on!!"

Brennon: (Totally stunned at my reaction- with total attitude) "OK!"

Around the dinner table while in Florida, I was standing close enough to Brennon to actually touch him while saying the prayer.  When everyone said their Amen, Brennon whipped his head up, and in totally surprise said, "I didn't hear anything!"  I knew then that the "something" in his ears was causing some true hearing loss.

I made an appointment with the audiologist and ENT the Monday we got back.  They were so booked out, the earliest I could see them was January 5, 2015.  I didn't want to wait that long (since I thought it was just some wax buildup) so I called into our Family Practice doctor to see if they could see him sooner, and hopefully get the wax out.  When meeting with them, she checked his ears thoroughly, said there was some wax buildup, but didn't think it was enough to warrant the loss of hearing.  They dislodged the wax and sent us on our way.  I knew then that I didn't want to cancel the appointment with the audiologist.  Something was making it really hard for Brennon to hear.

We had our appointment yesterday.  He met with the audiologist that used an instrument to shoot air through the ear canal to test the pressure in his ears.  I know nothing of this machine, so couldn't tell the outcome of the test.  He then did two different tests in the hearing, sound-proof room.  Again, I know nothing about the tests, so I didn't understand what all of the red circles and blue x's meant.

After the test, the audiologist took us to our room.  The ENT came in, looked in each of Brennon's ears for maybe 3 seconds and then sat down.  I was certain, with how short a time he took to actually look in the ears, that we had wasted our time.  That the doctor had seen the hearing test, determined that all was well, did the customary check, and would send us on our merry way.  That was not the case.

"We have a problem.  There are three stages of hearing loss.  Mild, Moderate, and Severe.  Brennon falls in the Moderate stage, closer to the Severe stage than we would like.  This is serious.  He has a substantial amount of fluid behind his hears.  We need to immediately start him on an aggressive dose of antibiotics.  In three weeks time, if the ears have not drained at least 50%, we will need to schedule tubes for the following week.  The good news is: with the fluid out, his hearing will return to normal.  We will know more about how long it has been in there by how 'fluid' it is.  If it has been in there for a substantial amount of time, it could become the consistency of taffy.  If it has been a shorter amount of time, it will come out easily.  Any questions?"

I was stunned.  With 16 ear infection with Shelby the first six months of her life, I knew what it meant to need tubes.  When Tyson started showing signs of the same troubles, we didn't ask for tubes- we demanded them.  Caden should have had them, as well, but being self-pay, we couldn't afford them.  We could afford the cheap antibiotic each time, and just waited until he grew out of it.  So, when he starts asking Brennon if I'd ever talked to him about tubes, I was shocked.  This isn't what it is to get tubes!!  There needs to be crying, whining, pain, fever, sadness, sleepless nights, tugging of the ears, decreased eating.  There needs to be stress for the mom, with clear-cut symptoms of ear infections.  Instead, Brennon's only symptom was loss of hearing.  There has been none of the other symptoms of infection, and there has been none of hearing loss other than the Whats? and Huhs?  No louder TV.  No screaming when he talks.  In fact, he is our quietest kid.  Most times we are asking him to talk louder.  And yet, if this antibiotic doesn't do anything for him, he will be like the other two kids we have...being put to sleep to drain his ears and insert a tiny tube to help drain it for a while.  Weird.

I can't say that I was necessarily blindsided by this.  I mean, come on, I've been wondering if something was up for a few months now.  But this?!  I never could have imagined that he has, in essence, a double ear infection.  That he needs to have help draining the intense amount of fluid from behind his ears.  That he could have that much hearing loss without it being completely obvious.  It's not like he couldn't not hear us every moment.  It was just becoming more and more frustrating.  

And weird.

So, pray for my little B-boy, please.  It's a good 'serious' to have.  Either the antibiotic will help drain his ears and he will be back to normal, or he will have a 15 minute surgery to do it for him.  Either way, he'll be back to normal before March 1.  It's just weird that I had absolutely no indication that something like that was going on!  Just weird!  I'm still quite stunned about the whole thing, actually.

Yellow Book Endings

I was going to go back and add stuff to my Disney World posts after we returned from Utah, but time has been going too fast.  I realize now that I will never have enough time to fully portray all that the trip entails.  While in Utah, my family told me that I hadn't sat down and told them all about it.  But, even then, I didn't feel like there was enough time to fully express what it meant to us, what we experienced, and what it still means to us.  There will never be enough time to go back and add.  So, I've decided to simply add things as I do have time. 

While the trip may be over and we are living our lives, it will never be over in our hearts.  It will continue to be something that we think about, that we laugh about, that we dream about, that we talk about, and that we cry about.  It will creep up in our minds as much as it appears in our coming years of journal books.  We may not be able to live it always, but it will always live in our hearts and memories.

2014 was a year of ups-and-downs.  It started with sickness and ended with sickness.  It feels a little scary to realize that January 2014 began with a viral infection that went from child to child, and January 2015 has begun much the same- viral infection.  We have had much sickness for many weeks, just like 2014.  In all honesty, I feel quite anxious about it.  I can't help but be afraid that these last few weeks have been Heavenly Father's way of preparing us, giving us good times to remember when the awful strikes again.  That when we go on January 20, 2015, we are going to get news that 2015 will be much like 2014, viral infections that lead to cancer care.  I hope beyond hope that that is not the case, but my mind will not shut off about it. 

Fear has gripped my heart and strangled my breath once more. 

This, in no way, lessens my faith.  I know that our lives are lead by the hand of a loving Father in Heaven.  I know that the refiners fire is necessary to mold a creation into something exquisite.  I want to become like my Savior, Jesus Christ, and to do this, must have trials.  I just feel a little raw, right now.  I continue to have moments of weakness, where my mind will remember a horror from months gone by that will bring me to tears.  I know that we are never ready for challenges, for if we were, it wouldn't be a challenge.  I know that life was never meant to be easy, otherwise, why would we be here?  That doesn't make it easier.

After my first miscarriage in 2005, I was excited to see two pink lines so quickly.  As I went to my first appointment with my new doctor, I cried in the room while looking at the ultrasound machine.  I was scared that they would find a motionless baby once more.  What a relief it was to see the movement, and to be told that after seeing the heartbeat, I had only a 3% chance of losing another.  And yet, a few weeks later while attending a cousin's wedding, I found a spot of blood.  Just a spot.  And I knew.  That little spot was a preparation, a soft nudge.  We left the wedding, called the doctor's office and asked them to stay late while we drove the three hours home, and found out the news we already felt- we had lost another baby despite the slim chances.  I was devastated.  While looking back over the past weeks, then, and even looking back now, I am grateful for the little nudges that have prepared me for things to come.  The feelings that have entered my mind and heart, the stories I have heard that have beckoned compassion and empathy, and even the people that have entered my life at appropriate moments, have all been blessings that foreshadow rough times.  But, most of all, moments of sweet reassurance that I am loved, that I am watched over, that I am lead.

During Fast and Testimony meeting on January 5, 2014, I felt such a need to bear my testimony about a song, by Jenny Phillips.

Live Like You Believe
You have felt the warmth of the fire, you have seen a glimmer of light.
It's something that you have been missing inside, it's something that you have been longing to find.
Hold on to the yearning, and wherever you are on the journey

Live like you believe, live like you know
It's one sure way your faith will grow.
Listen to your heart, search in your soul
And you'll find the strength that you need
His light, the gift of His peace, when you live like you believe.

There are things you have to let go, you might feel you're just hanging on
When you find yourself alone and afraid, questioning all the choices you've made.
Hold on to the burning, He's leading on through the journey

Live like you believe, live like you know
It's one sure way your faith will grow.
Listen to your heart, search in your soul
And you'll find the strength that you need
His light, the gift of His peace, when you live like you believe.

Hold on to the yearning, and wherever you are on the journey

Live like you believe, live like you know
It's one sure way your faith will grow.
Listen to your heart, search in your soul
And you'll find the strength that you need
His light, the gift of His peace, when you live like you believe.

I am not able to attend Fast and Testimony meeting today with five sick kids.  However, today, just like then, I feel the need to bear testimony of the things spoken in this song.  I am terrified that I am being given little nudges.  Life has been so good these last six months.  Our trip was wonderful.  We saw every single member of our extended family this last trip.  Caden hugged many that prayed for him, and us.  We have been blessed.  And now the same type of sickness that started us down our recent journey.  I hope that it is just a coincidence.  A little nudge to remind us to love deeper, be kinder, and share more, instead of a nudge of warning.  But, if not, if our lives are touched by cancer or trial once more, I will continue to live like I believe.  Because I do believe!  Deep in my soul.  I may be paused by fear, but I will live by faith. 

Today I am going to order our 6th blog book to be printed.  To differentiate each year, I have chosen different colors for each cover.  While contemplating which color I would choose for this year, I realized that yellow would be the next choice.  And then it hit me, yellow is the color for childhood cancer.  How fitting, don't you think?

2014 may have been a very trying year for our family, but it is one that I will look back on with love.  We were shown so much.  How strong our Caden is, how valiant and courageous.  We were shown the love, compassion, and strength of each of our other children.  We were shown sacrifice, love, willingness, and service by family, friends, and strangers, alike. We are made better by our trial; stronger by becoming more humble, and happier because of our hardships.

I am grateful.

I am tired.

I am ready.

Bring it on 2015!

Favorite

We were sent a disc from Disney World that has every single photo that was taken of our family while in each of the Disney Parks.  We would hand them a card to scan, they would take our picture, and we got to keep every single one of them.  117 to be exact!!  Of all of them, this one is my absolute favorite.  Minus Keilie's hair.  If you recall, she had just gotten DRENCHED from the Rapids ride.  Kimberly is going to see if she can erase the hair from her face.  

Even still, look at this photo!  Look at Shelby's face, it says it all.  

We Love each other, we are Together, and we are Happy!!!

Bowls

After 12 hours of sleep last night, I came down to the kids eating Cheese Itz in front of a movie. We are all exhausted, so a morning in front of TV with junk food sounded absolutely perfect. As the bowl became more and more empty, I noticed a few of them were a bit soggy. I placed them on the side table, and continued stuffing my face. A few minutes later, Keilie complained that she grabbed a bunch that were wet. To my horror, she screamed...

"That's my throw up bowl!!!"

And Caden said, "I just ate one that was wet!!!"

There was much sickness on our vacation. With 6 adults and 9 kids staying exclusively in one house, and three more adults and two more children coming to visit, it became "the sick house." At any given time, there were always at least three kids sick.  By the end, almost all were coughing and feverish. 

I can't help comparing our trip to our morning breakfast. We were all excited to have both. Two weeks with the whole family and an unhealthy breakfast in front of the TV. But, due to sickness, both have extremely tainted memories. My parent's home became our breakfast bowl. Filled with both the good and the disgusting. 

I wish things could have been much different for us. Our trip was planned a year in advance, and almost didn't happen because of sickness (it feels weird to think of Cancer as sickness. To me, that word isn't strong enough to describe it). And yet, we did have a wonderful time. Cousins played. They made lasting friendships. We laughed together. We cried together. We crafted together. We joked together. We lounged together. It was heavenly. I refuse to allow a little thing like throw up, soggy Cheese Itz ruin the experience. 

I love my family. The Burrell's, The Dirks's, and my own heaven on earth. I am completely blessed. Sickness and all!