I was ok here:
And then this started, along with my tears:
And then the Student Body President asked everyone to join in a moment of silence for Caden Dirks here:
And I was done for. It hurts so, so much, even days later. I just can't believe he's gone.
This is the beautiful flower arrangement in honor of him. I love that Megan did this for him!
My snuggle buddy after (and sort of during) my cry fest. I love this girl so much. She knows just what I need.
Two days later, on Sunday, June 9th, was Caden's "real" Seminary Graduation. They didn't do an honorary graduation, since they did one last year, but Brother Hales did say, "There are 25 graduates this year, even though only 24 sit before me. Caden Dirks is taking AP Seminary."
While I do not wish the sorrow I feel to be felt by all, it does my heart good knowing he is still loved and thought about. I seriously miss my Caden.
The Randy & Stephanie Dirks Family Est~ 2000
~If you think our hands are full, you should see our hearts!~
~If you think our hands are full, you should see our hearts!~
Sunday, June 9, 2019
Saturday, June 8, 2019
Yearbook
I had forgotten that Caden and Keilie attended middle school together in 2015. I love that they're in a yearbook together. Because of this, Caden wrote in Keilie's yearbook.
Keilie,
See you at home.
Love,
Caden
p.s. Families are Forever
Keilie,
See you at home.
Love,
Caden
p.s. Families are Forever
Friday, June 7, 2019
Fingerprints
Today would have been a big one for him-- Graduation Day!! We went to his grave to get it looking nice, and got him some yellow (and green) flowers in memory of his Richland High School Bombers. Not the exact "getting ready" I would like, but the best we can do for the circumstance. If I do say so myself, he's looking good! Sure do love and miss my boy!
Because of the difficulty of the day, it's not hard to imagine my emotions, and my anxiety. I want to run. Run so hard I pass out and wake up tomorrow, when I know it will not hurt this much. Instead, I went for a walk and listened to a talk by one of my favorites-- Emily Belle Freeman: Finding God's Fingerprint. I didn't just listen to it once, but twice. I listened intently, enjoying the walk I love in the sunshine and slight Spring breeze. I forgot, for that hour and a half, all about my sorrows as I was filled with the sweet spirit.
The talk was centered around those times where you may not see His hand in your life, but can still look for his fingerprint. Sometimes you don't see things until you look at what's been left behind. I plan to have the entire family listen to it tomorrow as we travel to our rock climbing excursion.
While on the walk, I decided to take a bit of a short cut. Not much, but one that would save me about five minutes. I didn't think much of it, but looked around to appreciate the houses and landscaping that I usually don't see when I take that other route. As soon as I walked in the door, I had time to set my phone down before the doorbell rang. I had just walked in the door! Standing there, arms full of a potted sunflower, was Amy Johnson. "I knew today could be a hard day." And just like that, I saw the hand of the Lord (in the form of a good friend) in my life. Because I took that short cut, I made it home just in time to receive her beautiful gift and hug! I am still being carried, still being lifted up by the hands of those around me. I truly am the luckiest girl in the world!
Megan Kraus, Senior Class Historian and close friend of Caden (he took her on a mini-date in his Bronco for some slingshot practice-- an inside joke they shared from Trek 2017), sent me a text just now: "Hi! I didn't know if you were planning on attending the graduation ceremony, but we have a special moment of silence planned for Caden and a beautiful bouquet that will sit up on the stand in memory of him. No pressure, just letting you know Caden is in our hearts."
This text was very close to a phone call Randy received last week from Delta High School. If you'll remember, Caden was accepted to this STEM school when he entered 9th grade four years ago. Because of the teacher's strike, school didn't start until mid-September 2015. That left only 4.5 months of attendance before we found that second 2-pound tumor in January 2016 and he went back into intense cancer care. "We would like your permission to have a special moment of silence for Caden at our graduation ceremony. Some of his friends would like to honor him, and want you to know they remember." That boy touched so many lives. He hadn't been back since 2016, hadn't hung out or contacted any of those friends, yet they remembered him all these years later after only getting to know him for 4.5 months. He was just that kind of kid!
How grateful I am to have lived in both Casper, Wyoming and Richland, Washington. The friends we've been surrounded by are truly His Hands here on earth.
Because of the difficulty of the day, it's not hard to imagine my emotions, and my anxiety. I want to run. Run so hard I pass out and wake up tomorrow, when I know it will not hurt this much. Instead, I went for a walk and listened to a talk by one of my favorites-- Emily Belle Freeman: Finding God's Fingerprint. I didn't just listen to it once, but twice. I listened intently, enjoying the walk I love in the sunshine and slight Spring breeze. I forgot, for that hour and a half, all about my sorrows as I was filled with the sweet spirit.
The talk was centered around those times where you may not see His hand in your life, but can still look for his fingerprint. Sometimes you don't see things until you look at what's been left behind. I plan to have the entire family listen to it tomorrow as we travel to our rock climbing excursion.
While on the walk, I decided to take a bit of a short cut. Not much, but one that would save me about five minutes. I didn't think much of it, but looked around to appreciate the houses and landscaping that I usually don't see when I take that other route. As soon as I walked in the door, I had time to set my phone down before the doorbell rang. I had just walked in the door! Standing there, arms full of a potted sunflower, was Amy Johnson. "I knew today could be a hard day." And just like that, I saw the hand of the Lord (in the form of a good friend) in my life. Because I took that short cut, I made it home just in time to receive her beautiful gift and hug! I am still being carried, still being lifted up by the hands of those around me. I truly am the luckiest girl in the world!
This text was very close to a phone call Randy received last week from Delta High School. If you'll remember, Caden was accepted to this STEM school when he entered 9th grade four years ago. Because of the teacher's strike, school didn't start until mid-September 2015. That left only 4.5 months of attendance before we found that second 2-pound tumor in January 2016 and he went back into intense cancer care. "We would like your permission to have a special moment of silence for Caden at our graduation ceremony. Some of his friends would like to honor him, and want you to know they remember." That boy touched so many lives. He hadn't been back since 2016, hadn't hung out or contacted any of those friends, yet they remembered him all these years later after only getting to know him for 4.5 months. He was just that kind of kid!
How grateful I am to have lived in both Casper, Wyoming and Richland, Washington. The friends we've been surrounded by are truly His Hands here on earth.
CON"GRAD"ULATIONS, CADEN RANDY DIRKS!!!!
Wednesday, June 5, 2019
Text
Mrs. Mason asked the question: "If you could text someone famous, who would it be and what would you say?"
Monday, June 3, 2019
Keeper
I have so much catch up to do, but I have to gush and brag about my Tyson for just a sec.
1. Tyson played soccer for the first time last year. He was in a league that gave zero coaching, instead encouraging the kids to just play, have a good time, and show good sportsmanship. Tyson found out quickly that soccer was going to be his thing. I'm fairly certain he was in love from the very first time he kicked the ball between teammates his first "practice." The very first game, where he scored within the first few minutes, he wanted more, every single day. The league was great for his first time, but because he needed more coaching and wanted a more competitive league, we didn't even attempt to sign him up for the same league this year. Tyson is moving on.
2. In the new league, they didn't have enough boys his age that wanted to be on the competitive team, so they said there wouldn't be a 2009 competitive boys' team. The coach, however, told us to come back the next night and have him try out for the 2008 competitive boys' team. "We're not just looking for talent, but heart. He's right where he needs to be for his age, but I can tell he's got it in him to be great." He tried out for the 2008 team, and is one of three boys his age that will be "playing up."
3. Because of his age, and maybe some genes, Tyson is the smallest kid on the team.
Due to these three things, coaching, youngest, and smallest, I was, admittedly, a little worried about the season. I know he has it in him, but I didn't want his first "real" season to go horribly, possibly dampening his enthusiasm. I want my kids to do well at what they want to go for-- isn't that what motherhood is partially about? I was praying for the season to go well, and tonight we got some amazing news!
Tyson has always loved being the goalie (this league calls it "keeper"). Picture a kid that looks like a caged panther as he prowls in that box, waiting and ready to pounce. It's seriously fun to watch him. So when they told us that he could attend a Keeper Training tonight an hour before his regularly schedule practice, I was excited for him to get some coaching in what he loves best about soccer. Turns out, it was a tryout. Of the six boys that showed up from the team of 11, only two boys were selected as keeper-- and Tyson is one of them!
"The Keeper Coach said Tyson has real, natural talent. I want him to be one of my two solid keepers."
So, the youngest, smallest boy that has never been coached went for what he wanted most-- and WON! And just like that, I'm that proud Soccer Mom!
1. Tyson played soccer for the first time last year. He was in a league that gave zero coaching, instead encouraging the kids to just play, have a good time, and show good sportsmanship. Tyson found out quickly that soccer was going to be his thing. I'm fairly certain he was in love from the very first time he kicked the ball between teammates his first "practice." The very first game, where he scored within the first few minutes, he wanted more, every single day. The league was great for his first time, but because he needed more coaching and wanted a more competitive league, we didn't even attempt to sign him up for the same league this year. Tyson is moving on.
2. In the new league, they didn't have enough boys his age that wanted to be on the competitive team, so they said there wouldn't be a 2009 competitive boys' team. The coach, however, told us to come back the next night and have him try out for the 2008 competitive boys' team. "We're not just looking for talent, but heart. He's right where he needs to be for his age, but I can tell he's got it in him to be great." He tried out for the 2008 team, and is one of three boys his age that will be "playing up."
3. Because of his age, and maybe some genes, Tyson is the smallest kid on the team.
Due to these three things, coaching, youngest, and smallest, I was, admittedly, a little worried about the season. I know he has it in him, but I didn't want his first "real" season to go horribly, possibly dampening his enthusiasm. I want my kids to do well at what they want to go for-- isn't that what motherhood is partially about? I was praying for the season to go well, and tonight we got some amazing news!
Tyson has always loved being the goalie (this league calls it "keeper"). Picture a kid that looks like a caged panther as he prowls in that box, waiting and ready to pounce. It's seriously fun to watch him. So when they told us that he could attend a Keeper Training tonight an hour before his regularly schedule practice, I was excited for him to get some coaching in what he loves best about soccer. Turns out, it was a tryout. Of the six boys that showed up from the team of 11, only two boys were selected as keeper-- and Tyson is one of them!
"The Keeper Coach said Tyson has real, natural talent. I want him to be one of my two solid keepers."
So, the youngest, smallest boy that has never been coached went for what he wanted most-- and WON! And just like that, I'm that proud Soccer Mom!
Friday, May 31, 2019
Thursday, May 30, 2019
Recognized
Our ward always does a Senior Recognition Night for Mutual the week of graduation. Each senior has their own table, to display what means most to, and represents, them. Most bring the poster they displayed in Seminary. We were asked by Sister Edvalson if we would display Caden. We took the poster I'd made, his Scriptures, his Eagle Scout neckerchief, and Mira's first collar. Zachary Bagley brought the football that I gave to him from Caden the Christmas after he passed away.
*When Caden was told that he'd get to take up the front row (usually reserved for Seniors) he at first only planned on inviting Zachary. I encouraged him to invite all friends from the ward, so he did, but the only one he really wanted by his side was Zachary. During the game, the football coach came to Caden and presented him with a #15 Jersey and the football. As Christmas approached, I felt compelled many times that Zachary needed to have the football. I'm convinced Caden prompted me, because as soon as I dropped off the wrapped gift, I felt relief. They shared a special friendship.
I still cannot believe that he would be 18, would have graduated, but actually died. I just can't believe it!
*When Caden was told that he'd get to take up the front row (usually reserved for Seniors) he at first only planned on inviting Zachary. I encouraged him to invite all friends from the ward, so he did, but the only one he really wanted by his side was Zachary. During the game, the football coach came to Caden and presented him with a #15 Jersey and the football. As Christmas approached, I felt compelled many times that Zachary needed to have the football. I'm convinced Caden prompted me, because as soon as I dropped off the wrapped gift, I felt relief. They shared a special friendship.
I still cannot believe that he would be 18, would have graduated, but actually died. I just can't believe it!
Wednesday, May 29, 2019
Ticks
Brennon came home from a hike with the 11-year old Scouts tonight almost in tears. "Mom, you need to check me right. now! We found a lot of ticks on us! I had nine on me already!" Knowing we need to check some pretty private areas, I told him to go out back and sent Randy to check him out. As he was standing outside waiting for Randy to come, I saw him physically become more anxious and fearful. With Brennon's clothes in the washer and Brennon upstairs for a shower, when all is said and done, he found 11 ticks on his person tonight.
After his shower, Brennon told us all of the stories from during and after their hike, all about the many, many ticks they found. His face is so expressive, his hands moving through the air in big movements-- he's absolutely adorable when he tells stories! "I was shaking so bad. Even when I was in the shower, I could not stop my shaking. I don't think I want to go to sleep tonight." Poor little Brennon.
I got a text from the advisor, apologizing for "hiking in the spot where ticks are made." He and Brennon tied for ticks flicked or pulled off themselves. Guess I know where not to go anytime soon!
After his shower, Brennon told us all of the stories from during and after their hike, all about the many, many ticks they found. His face is so expressive, his hands moving through the air in big movements-- he's absolutely adorable when he tells stories! "I was shaking so bad. Even when I was in the shower, I could not stop my shaking. I don't think I want to go to sleep tonight." Poor little Brennon.
I got a text from the advisor, apologizing for "hiking in the spot where ticks are made." He and Brennon tied for ticks flicked or pulled off themselves. Guess I know where not to go anytime soon!
Tuesday, May 28, 2019
Lightning
Randy captured lightning from a storm tonight. It blew in quick, dumped quick, and dissipated quick. I love storms like that. They remind me of Houston. You'll never know a torrential downpour until you live in Houston, in my opinion. Sure, we were there during Tropical Storm Allison, where I literally couldn't see past the rain, but normal storms down there were something else. The fastest setting on your windshield wipers was not enough sometimes. They were incredibly cool! While this storm didn't dump as much as fast, it still came in with a vengeance, spoke it's peace, and left.
Monday, May 27, 2019
Beacon Rock, finally!
With Bishop and Brother Kraus gone for Memorial Day Sunday, that left Randy to once again be the only member of the Bishopric sitting on the stand. He's always done such a good job up there ("My job is being in front of people, it's what I know." I daresay it's what he's good at!), but I'm even more proud when he presides and leads without the seasoned guidance of Bishop Kreutz. This meant that we needed to find something to do on Memorial Day that was close to home. Randy had the best idea.
One of the first Scout activities that Caden participated in when we moved here (11-year old Scouts, which Brennon is currently in-- weird!) was hiking Beacon Rock. He loved it, and always talked about how much fun it is, and how beautiful the views. We tried going one other time, on our way back from Oregon in 2016, but the weather had been quite rainy, so they closed it down until it dried out a bit. Since then, we've talked about it, but have never gone. We rectified that, in memory of our boy on Memorial Day, yesterday.
61 floors (Thank You, FitBit) of switchbacks to the top, with these views on the way...
It was a blast, although it did make me dizzy.
We made it home in time to take the kids swimming at "our pool" for the first time of the season.
It was still too cold for Randy and I (even though it was 81 degrees outside at 6:00), but the kids swam for an hour. Tyson got out first (usually it's Brennon) and played some football with Randy until the other kids got too cold.
I took my customary first swim of the season picture, and sent it to Keilie, who had chosen to go shopping with her best friend, Ellie.
One of the first Scout activities that Caden participated in when we moved here (11-year old Scouts, which Brennon is currently in-- weird!) was hiking Beacon Rock. He loved it, and always talked about how much fun it is, and how beautiful the views. We tried going one other time, on our way back from Oregon in 2016, but the weather had been quite rainy, so they closed it down until it dried out a bit. Since then, we've talked about it, but have never gone. We rectified that, in memory of our boy on Memorial Day, yesterday.
61 floors (Thank You, FitBit) of switchbacks to the top, with these views on the way...
We made it home in time to take the kids swimming at "our pool" for the first time of the season.
It was still too cold for Randy and I (even though it was 81 degrees outside at 6:00), but the kids swam for an hour. Tyson got out first (usually it's Brennon) and played some football with Randy until the other kids got too cold.
I took my customary first swim of the season picture, and sent it to Keilie, who had chosen to go shopping with her best friend, Ellie.
"Miss you!"
"Miss you too!"
Could she get any more adorable? No, no she could not!
It was a red letter day!
Saturday, May 25, 2019
The Feathers
Brennon and Randy woke early to be at the church by 6:00am for a Scout activity: Rock climbing at The Feathers. They had so much fun, we're going as a family on June 8th. We have other inducements, too.
We need a picture of Tyson from this vantage point to finish off the set! Brad Haggard is the best for getting me these pictures! Who knows, maybe we'll get pictures like this for the entire family and make a fun collage for my gallery wall!
Randy didn't disappoint, either. He got some fun ones for me.
When I was talking with Randy about going as a family, Keilie gasped, "I love rock climbing!" I cannot wait to go as a family.
Thursday, May 23, 2019
Spotlight
I got a call from Brother Hales yesterday, asking if I would like to put together a Senior Spotlight poster board to display all next week in the Seminary building. I was SO excited at first, getting onto the computer immediately to choose out 50-60 pictures of Caden. I held myself back and only ended up printing off 95.
As I was cutting the pictures down to size, getting everything ready to start laying them out, I was still pretty excited. It felt like everything came together so seamlessly. It took much less time than I thought it would to get them all laid out in a way that looked good, and used as many of the pictures as I could use. After placing the last picture on, I stood back to make sure it looked good... and burst into tears. This project was no longer fun and easy. On one poster board was a glimpse of the life my boy lived. There will never be more than this.
I cried and cried all night. I warned the kids that they couldn't touch anything until I got them all glued down, but I honestly didn't know how long before I'd get to it-- my heart was heavy. I contemplated asking someone to come to my home to glue them down for me. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew I needed to be the one to finish this project. How grateful I am for something to do to commemorate Caden's "graduation."
It took me two hours to get these all glued down. Tears flowed freely at both the beginning and end of that time. I just cannot believe that my Caden is gone. I cannot believe that he won't walk across that stage to get a diploma next month. I cannot believe he's not planning on going to BYU-I with Zachary in September, or filling out papers for his Mission. I cannot believe that there will never be more faces and smiles of this beautiful boy. It started out as such a fun idea, but it hurt more than I can admit. My son, my friend, my beautiful boy died. I love you, Caden. I love you, I love you, I love you!!!
As I was cutting the pictures down to size, getting everything ready to start laying them out, I was still pretty excited. It felt like everything came together so seamlessly. It took much less time than I thought it would to get them all laid out in a way that looked good, and used as many of the pictures as I could use. After placing the last picture on, I stood back to make sure it looked good... and burst into tears. This project was no longer fun and easy. On one poster board was a glimpse of the life my boy lived. There will never be more than this.
I cried and cried all night. I warned the kids that they couldn't touch anything until I got them all glued down, but I honestly didn't know how long before I'd get to it-- my heart was heavy. I contemplated asking someone to come to my home to glue them down for me. But the more I thought about it, the more I knew I needed to be the one to finish this project. How grateful I am for something to do to commemorate Caden's "graduation."
It took me two hours to get these all glued down. Tears flowed freely at both the beginning and end of that time. I just cannot believe that my Caden is gone. I cannot believe that he won't walk across that stage to get a diploma next month. I cannot believe he's not planning on going to BYU-I with Zachary in September, or filling out papers for his Mission. I cannot believe that there will never be more faces and smiles of this beautiful boy. It started out as such a fun idea, but it hurt more than I can admit. My son, my friend, my beautiful boy died. I love you, Caden. I love you, I love you, I love you!!!
Sunday, May 19, 2019
Gifts
With the annual Father and Sons campout this past weekend, the girls and I planned to do something fun together. A few days before Friday, Shelby was invited to a friend's swimming birthday party from 6:30-10:00pm. This meant that Keilie had a choice to make. I gave her three options: Go out with friends, invite a bunch of friends over for a party, or a date with me.
"I hang out with my friends, like, every weekend. I just want to hang out with you."
My heart could not have been more full! We left with the boys at 3:00pm on Friday afternoon; them for camping, us for shopping. We looked for a gift for Brooklyn, went to dinner at Red Robin (*don't forget their glee when it wasn't fast food-- "Red Robbin?! YES!!!"*), then went shopping for ourselves. It was so much fun!! While dropping Shelby off, Keilie quickly did some homework upstairs in her room. I gave her the space she needed, so she didn't feel like she needed to spend time with me instead of getting her homework done, and was so, so happy when she plugged her phone in in another room and sat down for chick flicks with me. She was fully, 100% with me for the rest of the night. I was in heaven!
Yesterday, while Keilie was at a dance, Tyson was at Jaxson's, and Shelby was relaxing for some downtime from homework, Brennon asked if he could go to the store with me. While walking in, he asked if he could hold my hand. Again, my heart was so full. My 11-year old son asked to hold my hand, not self-conscious of who might see!
It's been a week since Mother's Day, but my kids are still finding ways to give me gifts. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
"I hang out with my friends, like, every weekend. I just want to hang out with you."
My heart could not have been more full! We left with the boys at 3:00pm on Friday afternoon; them for camping, us for shopping. We looked for a gift for Brooklyn, went to dinner at Red Robin (*don't forget their glee when it wasn't fast food-- "Red Robbin?! YES!!!"*), then went shopping for ourselves. It was so much fun!! While dropping Shelby off, Keilie quickly did some homework upstairs in her room. I gave her the space she needed, so she didn't feel like she needed to spend time with me instead of getting her homework done, and was so, so happy when she plugged her phone in in another room and sat down for chick flicks with me. She was fully, 100% with me for the rest of the night. I was in heaven!
Yesterday, while Keilie was at a dance, Tyson was at Jaxson's, and Shelby was relaxing for some downtime from homework, Brennon asked if he could go to the store with me. While walking in, he asked if he could hold my hand. Again, my heart was so full. My 11-year old son asked to hold my hand, not self-conscious of who might see!
It's been a week since Mother's Day, but my kids are still finding ways to give me gifts. I'm the luckiest girl in the world.
Saturday, May 18, 2019
Friday, May 17, 2019
Bet
Dr. Butler: "If I was a betting man, I'd say he'll be done in six months."
This boy could have his 1st phase braces off by Christmas!! That is so crazy to me. I love how they're doing braces now. No longer do they have them on for years and years, but they also aren't trying to pull teeth to the center, but push them. He's got some pretty heavy-duty springs in there now, pushing this front teeth together. I love advances in science and technology! He may need them again later on, when all of his baby teeth fall out and his permanent teeth come in, but we'll cross that bridge only if we need to. For now, how cool is it to think he could be done, from start to finish, in just 8 months?! I'll take that bet!
Thursday, May 16, 2019
Sing
Throughout the school year Shelby has been practicing and performing with the Mastersingers Youth Choir. Monday was her culminating and final performance of this school year. I was lucky enough to be asked to play my flute with them for one of their songs.
The program began five years ago with Boys 4-7th grade. This was the pilot year for Young Men's Choir (the boys that began five years ago, now grown up), Young Women's Choir, and Shelby's Girls' Choir. Each choir sang at least two of their best songs from the year, a few songs being combined with other choirs, with one combining all at the end.
I love that Randy captured this one of me and Shelby, although I can't figure out how the camera makes that twig in the background look like it's coming out of my hair! I wasn't going for Santa's reindeer when I did my messy bun...
I cannot get over the fact that of all four Choirs, the younger girls were the only ones that had all of their songs memorized. They were able to put their arms down, open up their lungs, look up and out at the audience, and sing their hearts out. It was beautiful!
I also love that Shelby was one of the girls that sang different parts for different songs. Being one that can only hear Soprano, and one that has always wished she could sing both parts, I am equal parts jealous and proud of her musical talent. She also sat down this week and plunked out, pretty quickly I might add, a song that I've been practicing for a while. She has heard it enough by ear that she sat down and played the melody by memory with very few mistakes. She has such an ear for music. I love that! I wish I could send her to Davis Music Academy, where she could hone her skills even more!
I will miss her being in this choir, even if I won't miss the travel time to get her to practice. I love being able to support and cheer on my kids in their display of chosen talents. Being a mom is awesome!
Picture with my girl right before the show.
The program began five years ago with Boys 4-7th grade. This was the pilot year for Young Men's Choir (the boys that began five years ago, now grown up), Young Women's Choir, and Shelby's Girls' Choir. Each choir sang at least two of their best songs from the year, a few songs being combined with other choirs, with one combining all at the end.
I love that Randy captured this one of me and Shelby, although I can't figure out how the camera makes that twig in the background look like it's coming out of my hair! I wasn't going for Santa's reindeer when I did my messy bun...
I cannot get over the fact that of all four Choirs, the younger girls were the only ones that had all of their songs memorized. They were able to put their arms down, open up their lungs, look up and out at the audience, and sing their hearts out. It was beautiful!
I also love that Shelby was one of the girls that sang different parts for different songs. Being one that can only hear Soprano, and one that has always wished she could sing both parts, I am equal parts jealous and proud of her musical talent. She also sat down this week and plunked out, pretty quickly I might add, a song that I've been practicing for a while. She has heard it enough by ear that she sat down and played the melody by memory with very few mistakes. She has such an ear for music. I love that! I wish I could send her to Davis Music Academy, where she could hone her skills even more!
I will miss her being in this choir, even if I won't miss the travel time to get her to practice. I love being able to support and cheer on my kids in their display of chosen talents. Being a mom is awesome!
Wednesday, May 15, 2019
Monday, May 13, 2019
Cheek Swab
As mentioned before, I got a cheek swab test way back in March that I got the results for on April 29th. It's a new test that is offered that I didn't actually understand the significance for until I got the results. Now I want to get my girls one, so that they can have the same information I do.
Because it's a test that uses your genes, this information will be relevant for the rest of my life. The only thing that will change is the drugs they test it against in the future. For now, I have all that I need.
I went in in March, where Dr's nurse swabbed each of my cheeks for 10 seconds. That was it. Knowing my aversion to blood work, this test was my most favorite I've ever taken in my whole entire life. They send them in every Friday morning, and then the results usually show up a week or two later. Because I already had an appointment scheduled for the end of April, he waited to give me the results in person.
He had an entire packet ready for me, with Green, Yellow, and Red columns for many different drug types. Green medications are "Use as Directed," Yellow has stipulations and warnings that say "this particular drug may not work well for this patient," with Red being "Do Not Prescribe." There were lists like this for anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, mood stabilizers, opioids, non-opioids, and a whole list of others. Seriously, I found out that Naproxen Sodium works better for my body than Ibuprofen, things like that. I found out that every single antidepressant I've ever been prescribed was in the Yellow column, which answers why I have never felt they worked, which then made me hesitant to try any others, since the 2-weeks in your system-- one month trial-- 2-weeks titrating off wreaks havoc on me. Now I have a whole list of antidepressants to choose from in my Green, "Use as Directed," column. I find that information valuable, should there ever be a time that I needed that prescription. As long as those drugs are on the FDA list they will work well for me, because my genes and their formulas of those drugs will never change. That is just neat.
Like I said, when they add new drugs under these categories, I'd have to get another cheek swab to be up-to date on them, but with the long lists of drugs I know will work for me, I see no reason that I'd ever need to take it again.
At the end of the packet was a "Side Note" page that says I have a gene mutation where my body doesn't use and break down Folic Acid in the correct way. Tied to this MTHFR C677T mutation are: Cardiovascular problems, miscarriages and neural tube defects. This may be the answer to my miscarriages in 2005&2006, since I never found out exactly why I miscarried. "Some studies have shown that people with this gene mutation have a 16% higher chance of developing coronary heart disease compared to people without these mutations." Doctor suggested I buy Methylfolate and take 7.5-15 mg each day.
The last thing it stated on this test was I have moderately decreased serum folate levels, meaning I am more prone to feeling faint (yep), tired no matter how many hours each night I slept (yep), lack of energy (yep), and headaches (yep), and that I have moderately increased homocysteine levels, meaning I am not getting enough B12 vitamins. A lightbulb went off above my head. Because of this gene, my body was having a hard time converting folic acid into the vitamins and minerals my body needs, specifically tied to my B12 deficiency. So, not only did he tell me I needed folic acid--the methyl kind specifically-- but that I needed to get B12 into my system daily. He suggested I also get a B12 shot to jumpstart my new regimen. So that's what I've been doing for a week now.
That B12 shot was A LOT of liquid going into my arm. I fully expected to see a lump on my arm when she was done. It bled through a bandaid, it was so much liquid. It didn't hurt like a tetanus shot, where it burns like lava in your blood, but it hurt because there was just so much that needed to go in. I felt twinges the rest of the night, like my body was sending blood and antibodies to help break down the vitamins pooled in that spot. I felt a little off the rest of the day, but nothing much different than how I'd felt for the last little while. However, the next day, and those since, have been amazing. I see a difference in my energy levels during the day, notice that it's not as hard to wake each morning, that I generally feel better, and that I haven't felt as bored/bothered/anxious as much.
Once the anniversary of Caden's not-five years passed in January, I found myself returning every day so that when I got this test in March, it was more because I'd already made the appointment than needing to find out which antidepressant I could begin immediately. But with this B12, I truly have seen a difference come 2:00pm when I usually would start to wish I could take something to make me sleep until about 8:00pm, which is when I usually felt a lift of my spirits and more alert and awake. It was those hours from 2:00-8:00pm everyday that I found the most difficult. I just wanted to sleep until I felt better, less sad. But this past week, I've blazed past those hours like nothing, finding enjoyment in many different things. It's been nice. Who knows, maybe after a month of this new regimen, I'll even be able to be optimistic that my depression was just a major symptom of my B12 deficiency all along.
The one symptom that I have had since the beginning February 2010 (I found the blog post in my 2010 blog book last night, in fact) that I hope it can heal is the flashes and floaters I have in my eyesight every second of the day. They've gotten worse over the years, to the point that I truly thought I would most likely be blind by like 70, because they are filling up more and more of my sight. Many of the articles and studies I've read about B12 deficiencies say that some of the neurological symptoms may never heal if you've had the deficiency for too long, but I'll keep praying that with enough regular B12, maybe, just maybe I can heal my brain and eyes.
I feel like it is too soon to tell on a lot of the symptoms, and how they have been affected this last week. But I am cautiously optimistic that my stomach issues, my memory issues, my depression and anxiety issues, and my eye issues are getting better. I can with 100% honesty say that my sleep and energy levels have improved. I hope that continues forever, and doesn't slack off once my body has had regular vitamin hits for a month or two. Who knows, maybe I'll need regular shots? Scary thought, but worth it if I feel the way I've felt this last week!
Cutting edge science has always intrigued me. That's what this test is. It takes your genes and tests them against all of these drugs to match you with your perfect medication, to see which your body would metabolize best for the most optimal results. That is just neat! And it's only a cheek swab!
CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION
Because it's a test that uses your genes, this information will be relevant for the rest of my life. The only thing that will change is the drugs they test it against in the future. For now, I have all that I need.
I went in in March, where Dr's nurse swabbed each of my cheeks for 10 seconds. That was it. Knowing my aversion to blood work, this test was my most favorite I've ever taken in my whole entire life. They send them in every Friday morning, and then the results usually show up a week or two later. Because I already had an appointment scheduled for the end of April, he waited to give me the results in person.
He had an entire packet ready for me, with Green, Yellow, and Red columns for many different drug types. Green medications are "Use as Directed," Yellow has stipulations and warnings that say "this particular drug may not work well for this patient," with Red being "Do Not Prescribe." There were lists like this for anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-psychotic, mood stabilizers, opioids, non-opioids, and a whole list of others. Seriously, I found out that Naproxen Sodium works better for my body than Ibuprofen, things like that. I found out that every single antidepressant I've ever been prescribed was in the Yellow column, which answers why I have never felt they worked, which then made me hesitant to try any others, since the 2-weeks in your system-- one month trial-- 2-weeks titrating off wreaks havoc on me. Now I have a whole list of antidepressants to choose from in my Green, "Use as Directed," column. I find that information valuable, should there ever be a time that I needed that prescription. As long as those drugs are on the FDA list they will work well for me, because my genes and their formulas of those drugs will never change. That is just neat.
Like I said, when they add new drugs under these categories, I'd have to get another cheek swab to be up-to date on them, but with the long lists of drugs I know will work for me, I see no reason that I'd ever need to take it again.
At the end of the packet was a "Side Note" page that says I have a gene mutation where my body doesn't use and break down Folic Acid in the correct way. Tied to this MTHFR C677T mutation are: Cardiovascular problems, miscarriages and neural tube defects. This may be the answer to my miscarriages in 2005&2006, since I never found out exactly why I miscarried. "Some studies have shown that people with this gene mutation have a 16% higher chance of developing coronary heart disease compared to people without these mutations." Doctor suggested I buy Methylfolate and take 7.5-15 mg each day.
The last thing it stated on this test was I have moderately decreased serum folate levels, meaning I am more prone to feeling faint (yep), tired no matter how many hours each night I slept (yep), lack of energy (yep), and headaches (yep), and that I have moderately increased homocysteine levels, meaning I am not getting enough B12 vitamins. A lightbulb went off above my head. Because of this gene, my body was having a hard time converting folic acid into the vitamins and minerals my body needs, specifically tied to my B12 deficiency. So, not only did he tell me I needed folic acid--the methyl kind specifically-- but that I needed to get B12 into my system daily. He suggested I also get a B12 shot to jumpstart my new regimen. So that's what I've been doing for a week now.
That B12 shot was A LOT of liquid going into my arm. I fully expected to see a lump on my arm when she was done. It bled through a bandaid, it was so much liquid. It didn't hurt like a tetanus shot, where it burns like lava in your blood, but it hurt because there was just so much that needed to go in. I felt twinges the rest of the night, like my body was sending blood and antibodies to help break down the vitamins pooled in that spot. I felt a little off the rest of the day, but nothing much different than how I'd felt for the last little while. However, the next day, and those since, have been amazing. I see a difference in my energy levels during the day, notice that it's not as hard to wake each morning, that I generally feel better, and that I haven't felt as bored/bothered/anxious as much.
Once the anniversary of Caden's not-five years passed in January, I found myself returning every day so that when I got this test in March, it was more because I'd already made the appointment than needing to find out which antidepressant I could begin immediately. But with this B12, I truly have seen a difference come 2:00pm when I usually would start to wish I could take something to make me sleep until about 8:00pm, which is when I usually felt a lift of my spirits and more alert and awake. It was those hours from 2:00-8:00pm everyday that I found the most difficult. I just wanted to sleep until I felt better, less sad. But this past week, I've blazed past those hours like nothing, finding enjoyment in many different things. It's been nice. Who knows, maybe after a month of this new regimen, I'll even be able to be optimistic that my depression was just a major symptom of my B12 deficiency all along.
The one symptom that I have had since the beginning February 2010 (I found the blog post in my 2010 blog book last night, in fact) that I hope it can heal is the flashes and floaters I have in my eyesight every second of the day. They've gotten worse over the years, to the point that I truly thought I would most likely be blind by like 70, because they are filling up more and more of my sight. Many of the articles and studies I've read about B12 deficiencies say that some of the neurological symptoms may never heal if you've had the deficiency for too long, but I'll keep praying that with enough regular B12, maybe, just maybe I can heal my brain and eyes.
I feel like it is too soon to tell on a lot of the symptoms, and how they have been affected this last week. But I am cautiously optimistic that my stomach issues, my memory issues, my depression and anxiety issues, and my eye issues are getting better. I can with 100% honesty say that my sleep and energy levels have improved. I hope that continues forever, and doesn't slack off once my body has had regular vitamin hits for a month or two. Who knows, maybe I'll need regular shots? Scary thought, but worth it if I feel the way I've felt this last week!
Cutting edge science has always intrigued me. That's what this test is. It takes your genes and tests them against all of these drugs to match you with your perfect medication, to see which your body would metabolize best for the most optimal results. That is just neat! And it's only a cheek swab!
CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION
Saturday, May 11, 2019
Final Flight
We took the boat out tonight for the first time of the season. After playing around for a few hours, we decided that the tube was officially retired. The kids played around on the back of it during a particularly massive wave last year, and when the came down hard on it at the same time, it popped. Randy tried to salvage it with some goop, but it didn't work as well as we'd like. After we were good and done, we decided it was time for Caden to have the tube to himself for one last ride. He had a blast!
Fly you high, Boy in the Bed!
Barrel Roll!!
Man, that kid can party! That white insert flew out just after I captured this sweet jump!
We love and miss you terribly, Caden. Thanks for coming on the last ride with this tube!
Fly you high, Boy in the Bed!
Barrel Roll!!
Man, that kid can party! That white insert flew out just after I captured this sweet jump!
We love and miss you terribly, Caden. Thanks for coming on the last ride with this tube!
Wednesday, May 8, 2019
Surgery Saga
They called us on Tuesday to let us know that Randy's check in was at 1:00pm. This gave us plenty of time to get the kids off to school, which was nice. We left for Spokane at 10:00am and made it there well before the check in time. Because Dr. Benage was running ahead of schedule, they were able to have Randy actually headed back for surgery at 1:15pm. But not before he used a camera down Randy's nose to check his vocal cords near the tumor. "I have a little more understanding of what Caden had to endure with all of those feeding tubes."
True to his word, Dr. Benage came out to talk to me pretty close to the two hour mark. Everything had gone according to plan. However, because of how deep the tumor was, he needed a drain. That meant another five hour drive day, this time meeting with the doctor for only five minutes. If I became discouraged, I just reminded myself that to and from Spokane is just 15-20 minutes more than one way to Seattle. Not too bad.
The drive to and from was so beautiful. The skies were a deep, rich blue, with the white puffy clouds and the varying deep greens of Spring fields. It was beautiful. And all lost on Randy...
Who slept for 80% of the way home.
We made it home by 7:00pm, filled prescriptions, got kids to bed, set alarms for pain medication throughout the night, and went to bed before 9:00pm. The relief of having the tumor out, being home, and the PTSD I felt from the whole experience had me near tears. I could not remember a recent time when I was more ready to go to sleep to forget about my reality. It's been a long time.
Oh, and I don't want to forget this:
They make sure the patient is "awake" before bringing back the family. When I arrived, Randy still wasn't opening his eyes, but his vitals were all looking promising. They told me that he'd tried to get up and get out of bed, quickly did a barrel roll, and went right back to sleep. I watched as he became more and more alert, noting that it was taking him much longer than the other adult patient I'd heard in recovery when Randy was being admitted. At one point, I swear he was like a little kids, giving his pouty face that mom was trying to wake him up, turning his face away when they tried to talk to him when he was trying to sleep. It was pretty cute.
And then he did the most adorable thing. Without opening his eyes, he pointed three tiny times at his neck and whispered "ow" in the cutest little boy voice. I couldn't help but smile. They'd told me that it was usually the 7-year olds that are so squirrely when they wake up, and here he was whispering "ow." It was pretty endearing watching him come to. Hard to watch him shake in pain at times, but cute to watch him being childlike when his guard was down.
Drain out tomorrow, stitches out on May 17th, and then this will all fade like the perfectly placed incision until it is just a memory.
True to his word, Dr. Benage came out to talk to me pretty close to the two hour mark. Everything had gone according to plan. However, because of how deep the tumor was, he needed a drain. That meant another five hour drive day, this time meeting with the doctor for only five minutes. If I became discouraged, I just reminded myself that to and from Spokane is just 15-20 minutes more than one way to Seattle. Not too bad.
The drive to and from was so beautiful. The skies were a deep, rich blue, with the white puffy clouds and the varying deep greens of Spring fields. It was beautiful. And all lost on Randy...
Who slept for 80% of the way home.
We made it home by 7:00pm, filled prescriptions, got kids to bed, set alarms for pain medication throughout the night, and went to bed before 9:00pm. The relief of having the tumor out, being home, and the PTSD I felt from the whole experience had me near tears. I could not remember a recent time when I was more ready to go to sleep to forget about my reality. It's been a long time.
Oh, and I don't want to forget this:
They make sure the patient is "awake" before bringing back the family. When I arrived, Randy still wasn't opening his eyes, but his vitals were all looking promising. They told me that he'd tried to get up and get out of bed, quickly did a barrel roll, and went right back to sleep. I watched as he became more and more alert, noting that it was taking him much longer than the other adult patient I'd heard in recovery when Randy was being admitted. At one point, I swear he was like a little kids, giving his pouty face that mom was trying to wake him up, turning his face away when they tried to talk to him when he was trying to sleep. It was pretty cute.
And then he did the most adorable thing. Without opening his eyes, he pointed three tiny times at his neck and whispered "ow" in the cutest little boy voice. I couldn't help but smile. They'd told me that it was usually the 7-year olds that are so squirrely when they wake up, and here he was whispering "ow." It was pretty endearing watching him come to. Hard to watch him shake in pain at times, but cute to watch him being childlike when his guard was down.
Drain out tomorrow, stitches out on May 17th, and then this will all fade like the perfectly placed incision until it is just a memory.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)















