I'm starting to get pretty frustrated with some forms of technology. Right now, it's not the computer that won't let me download fun pictures of my kids' visit, but of the thermometer that got us to the hospital in the first place. That night that I was told to check his fever when we got home was all for nothing, it looks like. When he got to the ER just 30 minutes after taking his temperature at 'home' it came up as negative. I am not allowed to give him ANYTHING that would bring his fever down- like ever during treatment- so I was shocked that it didn't show one. They took his blood, took his vitals, ordered an x-Ray, and had us sit in the ER for about 2 hours. I was stewing over the fact that he didn't have a fever!! As soon as we got onto our floor and got admitted once again, she came in to take his temperature. Again, no fever. So I whipped out the thermometer I had used all night...ONE DEGREE HIGHER THAN HERS!!! That's how it's been the whole time. She takes it with hers here, no fever, I take it with mine...fever! He never felt warm to me, but I trusted that thermometer they gave me! He told me time and time again that he didn't feel sick- low and behold- everything has come back negative. We're waiting on one test that takes 48 hours, but do we think it's going to be positive? NOPE! This whole thing was because of one stupid device. One stupid device that didn't work the way it should and probably has cost us a bunch of unnecessary money, time, and emotion. Caden is back to his tired self just being here. They keep telling me it's because the IV medicine hits him harder than the oral medicine, but come on, who wants to spend this much time in the hospital laying in a bed ALL DAY?! With the exception of about 12 hours, he's been here since January 31. He's tired. He's sick of poking. He's sick of having his temperature taken. He's just SICK of EVERYTHING!!! Frankly, I'm sick of people looking at my son. I want to run away with him. Hide him away from their prying eyes until the next round. I know he needs the Chemo, so we'll come back, but I want to leave the second it's done. I want him to feel somewhat normal. Because, when it's just us in our room away from home, he was joking and had light in his eyes. It dims the second we hear the word Admitted.
I can't wait to show the pictures of the Ronald McDonald house and room that we get to use for the next three months. It is so nice, so new, and so wonderful. Danielle commented that she was about to cry from the generosity and magnitude of charity that the house gives. We are told to take as much as we need, ask for anything else, and they ask nothing in return. It truly is a marvel that something like this exists in the world we live in now. I am at my most humble point right now. New room, friends that continue to send bags and bags, boxes and boxes, letter and letters, donations, and notes of love for my kids. Even for me. I never would have thought I'd have a hard time having people show their love for me. I never would have thought I'd be loved so much. How wrong I am. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am the most loved girl on the planet. You have given me everything! THANK YOU!!!
-8:30 PM Update-
This computer is being crazy, so I'll change the formatting when I get Randy's computer back. Or...when I get home! *SQUEAL* Anyway, I just had one of those moments that I wish I didn't have to have. I saw a young girl being wheeled around by her mother. I can commiserate with the mom with my greasy hair pulled back in a ponytail, clothes that are for comfort not style, dark under-eye circles that detract from any natural beauty, feeling the weight of all we have to bear. I used to be embarrassed when I'd forgo beautifying myself for something my kids needed more. I'd stay up late doing housework so I could be with them more the next day. When early morning came, I was just too tired to do anything special, so I'd thrown on the grunge and play with my kids. I would envy those moms that were totally put together, always perfection in their dress and hair, and think I would love to look like that all the time. My views have changed. Not only do I look like crap, I fit in here. Each of these mothers is in my shoes. I want my child to get better. I'm tired of seeing them suffer. Just yesterday I watched Caden fill a bean with nutrients he can't afford to lose, and blood clots. I was super worried seeing them floating around. I found out it wasn't anything serious. Just the sores in the back of his throat being opened up. Like that news is any better. I cringe as he swallows, die each time he goes a little more pale with each taste. So much of my life is given for my kids. So much of by natural beauty has been given willingly to have them. To hold them. To love them. And to cherish them. Each person that I see walk these halls with their child feels and looks the same way. No longer do I feel disgusting. I feel upheld. The child in the wheelchair has the starting of hair growing back. Her feeding tube looks identical to the one Caden has. Her ghostly pallor looks almost the same, although Caden's is a little more perky after his "Hulk" blood infusion. But my heart breaks for these kids. WHY? Why can't I give more for Caden? Why can't I take this away from him? I feel so helpless for my child. I would give my life for him. For any one of my kids. For anyone that I love. But instead, I have to be the ugly mom watching her kid suffer unbearable things. And all I can do is watch. Being a Mom is all I have ever wanted to be. I have recently decided that I would be an excellent Walmart greeter, so maybe one day I'll become one after my kids are grown. Being a Mom is the best job in the world, nothing compares. However, right now, I want to be something more. I want the power to take this away from him, and I can't. And it breaks my heart a little more each day. The only face Caden has seen is my (sans make-up) brave face. Because if I can't give him relief from his suffering, I can be the best at something else, something I have always been for my kids. Their number one-louder than all the rest- make of fool of themselves- CHEERLEADER! Because if for one minute he can forget about his pain because he has a ridiculous mom, it's enough for me to be happy.
You rock! I can't wait to see you when you get back.
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