Expired?!

After church yesterday, a friend gave me a large bag of mixed Halloween candy that her kids just aren't eating fast enough.  Wanting to clear out the clutter, she gave the bag to me, probably knowing that I could consist on candy alone.  Or she may have given it for my kids, but everyone that knows me knows that I'm going to divide it so that each child gets one piece to my two.  I am not ashamed to admit it.

Mixed among the bag of Dots, Tootsie Rolls (both chocolate and flavored), and suckers, were a few Big Hunk- with a few Fun Size and one Regular size.  Being the greedy hoarder that I am, I squirreled the large one and a few of the smaller ones away for myself, letting the kids have a few (like one or two) between themselves.  Shelby tried one of the Fun Size, telling her siblings that they needed to try it too.  She was commenting that she like the ones that were in the black wrapper more than the ones that were in the lighter, almost-brown wrapper.  She'd taken one bite from the lighter wrapper, said that it didn't taste quite right, and threw it away immediately.  I was reading, so I wasn't really paying much attention to what she was saying.  Serves me right for being distracted.

Bite after bite, I continued to devour my stash.  If you thought my cry face was unfortunate, you should see my candy-snarfing face-- Yowsa, there are hardly words.  With each bite, I could feel myself slipping into the euphoria that is glorious sugar.  As I opened wrapper after wrapper, not caring which kind of candy I shoved into my maw, I pondered in astonishment at the sheer power I can poses to push away guilt and shame.  And then it was time to open the Regular size Big Hunk.  Not a thought was spared to saving it for another day-- it was going into my belly with pleasure.  Immediately!  Or was it...

I took a large bite and started to chew, anxious for the sweet beautiful taste that is Big Hunk to explode over my tongue.  Only it didn't taste quite right.  A few more chews and I was sitting up in my seat, eyebrows pulled together in concentration.  What is this flavor?!  One more swallow and I was gagging; it tasted quite literally like vomit.  Truly, it wasn't my own vomit coming back up, but the Big Hunk going down.  Ew, Ew, Ew!!!  It was dis-gus-ting!!!  As I was rushing to spit it out and throw it away, I started checking for the expiration date, hoping there actually would be one.  My mind started to think back on her conversation-- she said it was from this year, didn't she?! I assumed she meant this year-- wouldn't you?!  At this moment, I was spitting out what I hadn't already swallowed (I still can't believe I actually swallowed!) into my garbage can, searching the wrapper.  And there it was: The expiration date...

08/2012

And then I was gagging from knowledge, not taste.  This candy was probably made FOUR YEARS AGO, and expired THREE AND A HALF YEARS AGO!!!  And. I. Swallowed. It!!!  There may be a little shame.  A little.  Ew!

CORRECTION:

It is 2017, not 2016!!  That means that it was probably made FIVE YEARS AGO, and expired FOUR AND A HALF YEARS AGO!!!  I blame my lapse in mathematical skills, and how long it took for me to realize my error, on the sugar.