Two Christmases ago, I was asked to play my flute in a very large women's choir. People came from all over (including Ash and Russ from Mount Vernon) to hear this choir. I was excited, but I was nervous-- I haven't really played my flute often over the past 20 years, but I was anxious to pull it out with the excuse to practice for this performance. One of the songs {Beautiful Savior} was the only song the other flutist wanted to play. Every single time I heard the song, I cried-- it touched me so deeply. On one hand, I wish I could have been the one to play it. On the other, I'm glad that I didn't have to worry that the emotions that I felt every time didn't make it so I screwed it up for everyone by crying while trying to play. A few weeks ago, the chorister for our Ward Choir asked if I'd be interested to play a song with them-- I said yes, before even knowing what song it would be. I gasped when she gave me the music-- it was the song I had wanted to play with a choir ever since that long-ago night. I was a bit of the preppy-cheerleader-jumpy-clappy-giddy-Stephanie Dirks, mother of 5. Not to worry, I wasn't in my uniform with pon-pons while I cheered next to the Nursery room-- Sadly it was already packed. I know, I know, totally missed opportunity, right there. We'll hope for a "next time" to whip that bad-boy out!
Since receiving the recordings from that night two years ago, I've listened to this song more than one hundred times. When I got the music, I practiced it along with that recording more times than I could correctly estimate. I had to begin again and again many times....because my tender emotions overcame me many times. This song has an affect on me! But in time for our performance today (Ash and Russ came down to see me play it, even) I was ready! I had listened to and practiced this song so many times, I could have probably played the song with my eyes closed..... Except, maybe not.
From the beginning beat, I needed to wait just six measures before beginning my solo. Just a few counts before I was to begin, a completely random thought gripped my mind, leaving me wondering, "Oh, my gosh, do I know how to play the flute?! Do I know what fingers pressed down make an A?!" I missed that A, but picked up the next note with only minimal error. In fact, the huffy, rushed, anxious breath of the first note I played (second note written) may have even made it sound more breathy and soft, like it was meant to sound like I'd played that one note before. Boy, did I have to work my brain hard to remember the right fingering. Phew... made it through the first portion of my song. If I could play that one line, I was sure I could do better from there on out.
Then came the second line. And like the first, it begins with an A. And again, I thought, "Oh. My. Gosh. What am I doing?! I don't know what I'm doing. Heavenly Father, I know I've played this, wait, do I really remember ever playing this, or was that a dream......HELP ME, PLEASE!!!!!" And, like the first one, I skipped over that A, and went straight to the second note. I'm fairly certain that no one knew I'd missed the note. Throughout the rest of the song (man, it felt like we were singing it triple time, because my mind was working overtime trying to remember that, 'yes, I do know how to play the flute. Remember, you have practiced this song like a million times already. Pull yourself together, girl!!!!!') I gained more and more confidence as my brain-to-finger neurons started to fire away. Finally, I was able to lose myself in the song, to be swept away by the feel of the growing beat and the sound of the notes, and give everything I had to something that I had prayed for. I was playing my dream song. I was blessed to be asked. I wasn't going to allow my brain to get all nervous on me now. I was going to end this song with everything I have. My Heavenly Father would feel how I feel about Him, through this song.
And then it came: the emotions that make my nose tickle and turn Rudolph glow-in-the-dark red, which makes my eyes tear, which makes my heart feel like opening up to join in musical celebration-- I was going to cry. I took the deep breath needed to carry my notes, praying to Heavenly Father with a different request, "Let them feel what I am feeling without letting me join in the tears." As we stopped in perfect unison, ending the most beautiful song I have ever personally played, I allowed myself to feel just a small amount of emotion-- tears came to my eyes, but never fell. I would not allow a scene where they watched my tears instead of felt their hearts. I did it. I played the song I have prayed to play for years. I may have made two mistakes (When I got into the car, it hit me-- ah, right, right, right, that is how you play an A!) but it ended up being incredibly wonderful-- everything I had hoped it would be, despite my mistakes.
By the time I sat down in my seat, grabbed my case, and began cleaning and putting away my flute, I had to internally laugh at myself. What had happened up there?! I hadn't felt nervous. I didn't feel like I was rushed up on stage. I didn't feel that the pianist was playing it too fast. I even knew the exact place to come in, without the suggested point from the chorister. I was mentally ready for this piece. I could not wait to add my addition to this gorgeous arrangement!! And at the exact moment I have my chance, that is the time my brain says, "Hey, let's she how she handles this fun situation!" {Jedi hand swipe} "You do not know how to play the flute. 3,2,1 GO!"
I had a serious mind blank that almost cost me something I had prayed for, worked hard for, and invested more emotion that I even realized. But, when time was tough, I mentally laughed and told myself, "Steph, wake up! You've got this." And then I skipped the next A.
I'm not going to remember this performance with disappointment, but with humor and love It wasn't the perfect I wanted it to be, that I'd practiced it to be, but it was the perfect that allowed me to add my own words to Elder Wirthlin's. "Not everything will be the perfect that you want, but the perfect that you get can be loved with a different, sometimes more humbling intensity."
I'm going to laugh that I actually had so many confused, scared thoughts in such a short amount of time before I was supposed to play. There are musical numbers that you are nervous about that you end up doing much better than expected. Then there are musical numbers, like today, where you feel like you could almost close your eyes and play perfectly, but mess it up. With these musical number situations, just like in life, learn to laugh at the mistakes that will make you better the next time, and
{Come What May, And Love It!!}
I'm still laughing, remembering my split-second confusion, "Do I know how to even play the flute?!"
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