Happy New Year

 Keilie moved out today.  She came home mad last night, telling us that she refuses to follow our stupid rules anymore, that Ellie's parents had said she could move in with them, and that she wanted to if we would let her.  When I asked if the offer was real, they asked if we wanted to talk.  We met at 11:00am.  They have the policy that their home is always open, telling us they'd had many of her siblings live with them over the years, and that Keilie was welcome to come live with them as long as they knew she wasn't running away from us.  When they realized that our intentions were not to simply have her out of the home but to give Keilie an opportunity to learn about the real world in a safe way, they agreed, even after our cautioning.

After speaking with us, they asked if it would be alright to speak with Keilie.  She'd told them she thought that she'd move in without any rules.  They wanted to give Keilie the opportunity to make her choice after hearing the stipulations.  As one that wants all information to make better choices, I was glad they had the same idea.  Even though it broke my heart to be talking about it, the decision was made in the best way.  Keilie and Ellie showed up three hours later to pack and have her leave.

As she walked out the front door, all I could think of was the coroners walking out with Caden, telling me I was transferring care of my child to someone else.  This last year of childrearing has been much harder than cancer care.  Truly.  I always knew we were doing the best for Caden, doing all we could in the right way.  With mental illness and teenage years, I never knew.  I did my best and hoped that she'd be able to see that when she thought back.  I have felt true feelings of hate, but only towards the situation.  I wanted the situation to change, for the anger and contention to leave the house, not my daughter.  Having a child leave the home should happen after they graduate and move on with their lives.  Instead, I've had two of my babes leave me much sooner than I ever imagined as I held them late in the night, alone and snuggling skin to skin, and one was by choice.

As we picked up the car to leave Keilie with her new family, I sobbed like I had when they took Caden away.  I cried myself to sleep after intermittent crying all night.  Like those days just after Caden's death, I reflexively dealt for six people in our game this morning, a burning stab in my heart when I realized that now there are five at home, instead of the seven I've yearned for since losing Caden.  Nothing about this is desirable, other than the opportunity for Keilie to seek her own happiness.  I've done some hard things throughout my life to ensure my kids had opportunities to be happy and healthy, but this one is by far the hardest.  I just have to have hope that giving her up right now will give her what she needs, even though I can honestly say that I have feelings of hurt and anger at the thought of anyone "transferring care" of my babes, no matter the circumstance.