Old phone

"Mom, when you die, can I have your phone?"

"Mom, I love you until you die and give me your old phone."

I feel as if I am being replaced for number one spot in his heart. 

Bitten beauty

Shelby came to me in a very serious state the other day. 

"Mom! Do you see those two dots on my neck? The ones that are sort of close together?"

"Yes."

"Mom, I'm serious, I think that is where I was bit by a vampire. That is why I have vampire teeth!"

She was dead serious. I had to tell her the truth. If you don't sparkle in the sun like a diamond, you are not a vampire. What else could I say, really?! I love my serious, crazy-teeth sweetheart!!

Five

Before we even began our photo shoot, Jamie said she had an idea that she wanted to do with me and Tyson.

I love it!!

 After that, each child wanted a picture with just mommy.  I was all-too happy to comply!

 Sometimes, it seems impossible that I have five kids.  At times, it feels like a lot.  Most times, though, it is easy.  How can you look at any of them and not think I am the luckiest mom in the world?

 Time has definitely made things easier.  My kids are getting more and more independent, they are starting to listen more and more, and for the most part, they look at the camera and smile when prompted.  Gone are the days of tears at a photo shoot because mommy was too stressed!  I only got frustrated once this whole shoot, and it was because they weren't holding the THANK YOU letters perfectly.  We all celebrated my screamless success with ice cream!

I miss them like crazy when they are at school.  I find myself looking at the clock, counting down the hours and minutes until they get home.  3:30 used to be the most tense time at our house.  It is still stressful trying to get homework, practice time, dinner, reading, and activities done before bed, but I now enjoy it more.  It brings me happiness to spend time with these kids!!!  

THANK YOU!!!! SO MUCH!!!

This has been a long time coming.  

July whizzed by finishing up Cancer Care and a spontaneous family trip that took us to Southern Utah and back home in two days.  Yikes!  August was full of fun, back-to-school, and temperatures over 105- for weeks.  With all of the time it took to make a color-scheme decision, compile all of the outfits after going through all of their clothes to use what we already owned, shopping, and finally preparing for the shoot, I didn't want red, sweaty, blotchy faces because of 99 degree weather at 6:30PM.  Turns out we waited just a little too long.  The wind has finally made its appearance in Richland.  Not to worry.  They turned out exactly how I wanted them too.  Just not as many props as I thought we'd have.

Many have asked how we were able to make it out of our experience still being sane.  

The answer is simple.  

You!

 Because of your love, support, service, generosity, prayers, and donations, we are proclaiming THANK YOU in the only way we know how.  

Together.  

With smiles on our faces and gratitude in our hearts.  

We love you!!

 There have been countless stories from recent fundraisers on Caden's behalf, stories that continue to humble us and bring us to our knees in awe.  We continue to feel your love and prayers, even in our time of peace and happiness.

 To you, a few coins or bills may not have seemed like much.  But to a parent with a gravely ill child, those donations provided more than just financial security.  They proved a sense of comfort in an otherwise spirit-breaking situation.

 

I have been told a few times that my blog was an inspiration to many.  I want you to know, that many times I felt prompted to write something.  Most times, I couldn't do anything else until I had written my thoughts down.  I truly believe that I was prompted by my Heavenly Father.  Someone, somewhere, needed us.  That is an amazing feeling.  

Truly, I feel we are the ones that have been inspired by you.  Such love!  Such generosity!  Such Support!  You will never know how much it has truly meant to us.  

Words cannot even begin to express it fully.

 If there was a time that I offended you, through my words, opinions, or neglect, please forgive me.  It was a very hard time for me.  I felt very vulnerable, for so many reasons.  

I promise you, I never meant to hurt or offend.  I love you!!

 

As our story returns to everyday-Dirks, I want you to know how much I love my Heavenly Father.  How grateful I am to have had this experience.  There were some seriously hard times.  Some things that still hurt to remember.  But that doesn't lessen my faith.  I love Him for loving us enough.

Also, my sweetheart.  

Not many can come out of such an experience and say their marriage was better.  But ours is.  And it was pretty amazing to begin with!  We have a new appreciation of everything.  But most especially about how things can change in an instant, so make the most of every minute.

And especially for these kids.  

I found a quote on a friends' blog that I think applies to our circumstances pretty well.  

"If you think our hands are full, you should see our hearts."  

These beautiful kids, the ones that have been given to me, are the most wonderful blessing.  

I love them!

 

Please continue to follow our journey!  There is never a dull moment at the Dirks' house!

From the bottom of our hearts...

THANK YOU!!!

Bizarre

Monday night, after a day full of back-to-school stuff, I took the kids swimming for the last time of the season. I didn't want to, but I had promised. I now wish I would have broken the promise just to save myself this newest development. 

The water was colder than I wanted. The temperatures had been in the high nineties, but with the temperatures above 105 for so long, ninety felt chilly. So I helped the kids don their swim gear and stayed by the side. After the fifth time of Brennon asking me to get in the pool, I decided to get in. It was not enough for Brennon to have me simply watching. I donned my own pair of goggles and headed to a deeper part of the pool. If I was doing this, I was going to get the shock over fast. So I walked into the six feet side without much thought. No jumping, simply falling. Boy do I regret that choice. 

When I came up, without ever fully touching the bottom, my hearing was off. I could hear the wind more than I could hear voices. I didn't understand what was said unless I was looking straight at the person talking. Otherwise it sounded garbled. Like Lucy's voice over the phone on Charlie Brown. There was a little bit of a pressure difference, but I didn't feel water in my ear. That is something I know all-too well. Hence my aversion to jumping into the pool. And why I never go scuba diving with Randy. My ears just hurt with pressure changes. 

It has now been days of weird ear stuff. I have banged my head, jumped sideways onto my bed, many different tricks to try to "pop" my ears. Anything to get my normal hearing back. Nothing. I finally went to get some swimmers ear drops. Looking back, I regret that choice more than the jump. 

The second Randy placed one drop in, it felt like a red-hot fire poker had been shoved into my ear. The pain was so intense, hurt SO bad, that I instantly burst into sobs. I was bashing my head on the pillow, begging for the drops to come out and the pain to stop. It was snot pretty, literally. Snot and tears all over my face. Agony!! And being the compassionate, caring, ever-loving husband that he is, Randy asked when I wanted to try the other ear. 

Which I did without any pain. I went to bed last night, disregarding the throb if my right ear. I got up, ran 4.43 miles, thank you very much, showered and asked him to help me with the drops one more time. Left side first, nothing. Right side...fire. We left right away for Urgent Care. 

Turns out, my walk into the pool caused a tear in my right ear drum. I am now referred to an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor.  I've been there enough times with Shelby and Tyson!! Looks like we are a family prone to ear stuff!

I am grateful for a promise kept to my kids. So many times in their life my health issues have held them back. I just wish that I didn't have to pay such a high price to swim. I LOVE swimming. As long as I don't go too deep. Competitive diving has never been a choice for me. And never will be with dopey ears like mine, apparently. I wonder what the ENT will say!?

Back to school

I have never been good at taking first-day-of-school photos. I always wish that I had, but never do. However, I did get this little cutie's picture, but only because he asked me to!

When I came down at 6:30, all of the kids had their backpacks on...including Tyson. He has a small, play backpack that he filled with toys so he could fit in with the backpack gang. They all wore them for the rest of the morning. 

The anticipation of the day was palpable in our home. They were all just SO excited! Caden and Keilie leave at 7:00AM to make it to the bus stop. I'm proud of Keilie for making it on time the last three mornings. She is not a morning person. She is the only child that we have that actually sleeps past 6:00AM. They watched the clock minute-by-minute, often calling out the time. It was hard to stay sad that they were leaving when they were so excited. 

Shelby and Brennon don't have to leave for the bus stop until 8:00AM, so they have been able to complete their chores, but for homework, before they go to school. This ensures more fun-time after school, which Caden and Keilie proclaim to be "unfair." Life lessons, kids!

Tyson pretty much danced when the door closed behind Brennon. He is as excited to stay home with me as the other kids were to leave. He had it in his head that we are to make cookies together daily, always have a fun activity to occupy our time, and that I love only him and no one else. He asked me to take a picture with my camera, asked to go to Toys R Us, and also to choose the music on my phone- things that he usually doesn't get to do. In short, he thought that without the other kids, he was going to be treated like the King. It was pretty hilarious. 

The house is all-together too quiet, I find myself counting down the minutes until they get home. I feel an urgency to make sure Tyson is busy so that he doesn't miss too much. It's different for me with Tyson than it has been for any other child. Caden was first and didn't know any different. Keilie loved being home after preschool with just me...until Shelby came along. The younger three have have never been without siblings. So now that Tyson is alone all day, I feel like he needs to be constantly entertained. I realize that things will get into a better routine, but for now, we are staying busy. And snuggling as much as we can.

Family Do Dots

At the beginning of Cancer care, my cousin, Jamie, told me to check out Family Do Dots. I thought it would be a great idea, but didn't think I would be able to really implement it with the limited time I had with my kids. Looking back now, I wish I would have!

I have been feeling such confusion in my life, so I wanted to make things a little easier for myself. I remembered Jamie's suggestion and decided to purchase the system. I never thought it would work as well as it has. 

Each morning the kids start with their picture bottle cap at the top- next to Level One. The magnets are all turned over to black. Once they complete one of their chores (such as Routine- where they have to brush their teeth, hair, and pray) they turn the magnet over to the colored side. After completing each of their chores, they move their picture bottle cap to Level Two. They are not allowed to do any kind of activity unless they are on Level Two. It has helped them know what is expected of them, and has eliminated nagging from Mom!!

On one of the first days of the first week, I was walking around looking at our house. Keilie's room was in need of some serious work. I was about to call down to her to come clean her room, when I stopped myself. She knew she needed to clean her room. She knew how it needed to be cleaned. She knew that if she wanted to do anything fun, she better get to Level Two. I shut her door and walked away. It was a very freeing moment for me. 

Once they are on Level Two, they have the opportunity to earn tickets. These tickets are used to purchase items from our Family Store. The first week a box was filled with small items, such as fruit snacks and dollar-store toys, that they could buy with their tickets. This was fun for a while, but they ultimately said they would rather buy something large and work towards that, instead. So we packed up and went to Hobby Lobby to buy some prizes. They have worked furiously to earn tickets to buy their toys. 

I have had to get creative in my ticket chores. Some include mopping floors, windexing car windows, vacuuming cars, vacuuming couches, and other such chores that don't get done daily. Or in our case, monthly. And sometimes yearly! 😉 Our house has never been consistently this clean!

They also earn tickets for good behavior- Level One or Level Two. This makes it something to better myself, also. Instead of looking for things that they need to improve on, or stop doing altogether, I now have to look for good things. This is harder than I thought it would be! It actually makes me think outside of the box, most days. I look for instant offers to help when something is asked. Or playing nicely with a brother or sister. Or a kind word said by siblings that usually argue. I have found the kids asking to play games more often, especially when I need things to be done without interruption. Such as lunch after church (the angriest time of my week, consistently). It has made for a nice change in our home. Clean house with kind kids makes for a happy home at the Dirks' residence!!

The bottom section is to better themselves. They set a goal each week for something that they would like to accomplish. Caden wanted to finish a large book, Keilie wanted to finish a book in a couple days, and the little kids wanted to improve the number of jumping jacks that they could do at one time. It can be anything that they want to improve. When they complete this weekly goal, they can turn over their Progress magnet and earn a ticket. The Service magnet is just that- service outside of the home. When they turn over that magnet, we talk about it that night at Family Dinner. This prompts them to do kind things for others. The Family Night section is for our weekly Family Home Evening. That is when they make their goals, and when our Family Store is opened. We open it just once a week to teach them hard work earns them wanted items, and also delayed gratification.  If they don't have enough tickets, they can either save them for the next week, or purchase smaller items- delaying the bigger prize that they want.  They can hardly wait for dinner to be finished on Mondays. It is a fun time!

The system was more than I really wanted to spend, but I needed a change. I needed something to help me get order back into my life. A life that now seemed foreign, confusing, and difficult to transition back into. This was the best thing I could have done. 

With as easy as it has been to implement, and how happy the kids are to do their chores to earn tickets, I now wish I would have purchased it earlier. I know it would have been a good thing for the many babysitters that were with my kids. They LOVE it. And so do I! Organization makes me happy. Kind kids make me happy. Clean house makes me happy. This continues to be a purchase that I don't regret spending the money. It has brought happiness and order to the chaos in my life. 

Tablets

With Keilie's birthday last Friday, I was frantic to find the perfect gift.  We had many different gift ideas, but I didn't feel like any of them would be just right for a girl that had to mature so much in the last few months.  Something was said about Caden selling a tablet he'd purchased a few months ago, and Keilie said she was thinking about buying it.  Chemo messed with his mind so much!  He purchased this tablet when he already had an iPad.  He made the comment that he has no idea why he bought it, and barely remembers making the decision.  He was adament, so I let him.  What do you do?

 (I can't believe that I actually purchased this horribly-posed picture)

This gave me such a great idea.  So, I asked Caden if he would allow me to buy the tablet from him to give to her for her birthday.  His eyes lit up, and he said, "How about I just give it to her for her birthday!!"

 Caden has always been a great gift giver.  He is always so selfless in his gifts.  He thinks about them for a while, and once he's made up his mind, will do what is needed to give the gift of choice.  I was surprised to hear him say that he would give her this gift that had cost him one of his larger gift cards.  He had an opportunity to get money for a mistake purchase, but saw the chance to give a great gift instead.

He wrapped it in a full tissue box to make it look like he got her a box of tissues.  His excitement for her birthday was pretty fun to see.  The recent arguing that has escalated the last few weeks was put aside for one day of amazing love, excitement, partying, and fun.  Not one argument or mean thing was said for one day.  Tender mercy.  The sad thing was that he was SO excited to give it to her, that he woke her early with his gift.  While we were still asleep.  We missed the party!  But seeing my sweet Keilie bounce into our room to tell us how happy she was made it alright.  Kind of.  Seeing Caden's shy smile from his generous gift was perfection.  It gives me hope that their constant bickering will one day turn into a friendship that I always wanted with my non-existent brother.

And for the record, we never came up with one gift that I felt was perfect.  It ended up just being one big day of fun, instead.  But I don't mind.  It was better this way, anyway.

Happy Birthday, Keilie!!!!!

So, about a year ago I had this amazing idea. 

How about you buy ALL of the numbers so we have candles for every birthday!!!

Genius, right?

Until your beautiful daughter turns 11 and you realize you only have one 1. 

I love this shy little smile as she listens to us sing to her. She is a bubbly, giggly little thing, but she can be shy, too. She is happy, kind, thoughtful, artistic, creative, loving, clever, snuggly, and perfect. I can't believe that my baby girl is 11. And in Middle School. And becoming a Young Lady. 

Her wish was something she knew she wouldn't get. A hamster. I just can't do it. Not only because of the small house, but because of me. I just have this irrational fear/disgust with hamsters. And pets in general. It didn't stop her from wishing for one. And who am I to tell her not to wish. One day...(when she moves out, probably)

Life with Keilie is equal parts challenging and perfect. I could not imagine a better little girl to call my own. She is perfect in every way that matters. 

Happy Birthday, sweet girl. You are loved to "the back of the moon" as you used to say. 

My favorite story of Keilie was when she was about four years old. Caden was going through an inquisitive time, wanting to know all about languages. He asked me, "Mom, how do you say 'treats' in French?"

"I'm not sure!"

(Duh- voice) "Treats in French!!"

She is quick. Her whit is one that continually makes us laugh. I look forward to many more years of her joy. 

Highs and lows

I have been having some extreme highs and lows this week. It has all been very confusing. And discouraging. I'm not sure how I can feel so sad and tired when all I wanted for months was to be with my kids- all I want is one more month of summer. And yet, sometimes I feel as if all I want to do is sit in my room and cry. How can I feel this way when I have everything that I want? When I have everything that truly matters? 

I decided that it was time for a break. I have been running, running, running for the last month (since January 31st, really) making sure that my kids are happy. Making sure that they have fun amidst the sorrow. Making sure I fit as much time in as I can with them. I was seeing more and more anger coming into my life. That is what depression does to me- it makes me mad. And then I'm mad because I'm mad...and I don't like to be mad. I am a happy person, dang it!!! So it was time for a little me-time. So I called a friend to go to a movie. And that's what we did!!

Rebecca picked me up at 1:10 for the 1:30 showing of The Giver. That is one of my all-time favorite books. It is a pondering-book for me. Something that is not just an easy read, or a forget your sorrows book, but something that makes me ponder my own life kind of book. I thoroughly enjoy reading that book each year. I was worried, after viewing the previews, that it wasn't going to be good. Boy was I wrong! It is a buyer for me!! I LOVED how they portrayed it and how I came away, from both the book and the movie, profoundly grateful for the choices we have and the chance to love. It was beautiful!! I was feeling great!!

Until I got home to screaming, tattling kids, two card games exploded on the floor, an overturned bowl of popcorn on the carpet, lunch dishes still on the table, and this...

You see it correctly. 

A fat whole in our upstairs bathroom. The bathroom that Keilie locked herself in, threatening to call mom because Caden had taken the remote control and would not let her watch a movie that the other kids did not want to watch. To say the good feelings from the show melted away the second I stepped into our home would be a gross understatement. I went past ground level, and headed straight to six feet under. 

I understand that anyone would be mad at the scenario- good feeling movie or not- but the thoughts and rage that I felt went far beyond normal emotions. The images of actually throwing each child into their room was so vivid, it was scary. Instead if saying a single word, I allowed Caden to go to Rebecca's house (Zach called at the exact moment he needed to) and loaded up the other kids for an out of the house activity. I had free passes to Get Air that I used to be away from my kids. Some may see this as a reward for bad behavior, but honestly, it was their saving grace. I set them loose to be away from me. I didn't want to say, or do, anything that I would later regret. 

They jumped for one hour, came home for a dinner I knew they didn't want/like, and then went to their rooms for the rest of the night. I made sure to lay the guilt on thick, realizing that they could never understand what they had really done. I know children are selfish, I remember being selfish myself, but I needed this time- and it was ruined by thoughtlessness from children. And maybe my own expectations. 

I know there is need of opposition in all things, that we need bad days to truly appreciate the good ones- and we have had many good ones recently. But wowser!! I am tired!!

Most days I don't mind Randy being gone. I miss him, sure, but I can hold down the fort for him to have the job that he loves. But, man oh man, I can NOT wait for him to come home today. I will refuel my batteries as much as I can before he leaves again on Sunday. Such is the life we live. And love. And, regardless of what happened last night, I would choose no other life. Because I know my life is more grand and fulfilling than any Disney Princesses ever portrayed. 

Piano

I love Family Home Evening. We have been pretty good about doing it every Monday night. We probably only miss about five a year. I love that the kids are so invested, actually getting upset when we don't. We all just know that Monday night after dinner is a standing, unbreakable date. Exactly how I like it. 

This last week we made decorative cans told hold our "We Thank Thee" sticks and our "Please Bless" sticks. They grab five of Thank and three of Bless to help them "think" about what to pray for. I'm hoping this will illuminate the "Please Bless that we had a good day today" prayers. 

After we had compiled about 20 stick options for each can, we sat down to the piano for the opening song. And the best part of the whole evening was that we stayed there for an hour. Just singing song after song. The sweet sounds of my kids singing without fear of friends hearing and making fun, or embarrassment, was so special to me. The Spirit whispered to my exhausted (sometimes depressed) soul that these are the moments to remember. These are the times I am going to miss most. These are the times that my kids will remember with happiness. I was almost crying while playing. My heart was so full. 

I was SO ready to begin piano lessons when the time finally came. I had spent many weeks beforehand pouring over books to begin learning all that I could. I soaked in each lesson. I wanted to be good. How grateful I am for the very limited (much diminished) talent I have of piano. 

My kids began piano this month. Shelby is much like me. Keilie is proving to like it more and more. As I was reflecting on my own years of practice, grateful for my parents for paying for my lessons, I was excited for my own daughters, and maybe even sons, to have similar experiences with my Grandkids. Because as I listened to their sweet voices singing melody to my music, life seemed the happiest it's been. Nothing has filled my heart so full in weeks. I will never forget this sweet experience. I love the piano, and music, SO much!!! 

Laughter

(Caden, Spencer, Jacob, Zachary, Zach)

Caden asked me last week if he could invite some of his friends for a pool party. We got all ready, had confirmations from all four friends, and ultimately had to cancel 30 minutes later. Caden got a fever just one day after Shelby (I guess this is how it will always be- Shelby shares her sickness with Caden) that took him downhill pretty quick. To say I wasn't terrified for him the whole day would be a lie. 

Every day after he felt better, he'd ask if he could try again. I could never have guessed it would make me so happy to take five 13-14 year old boys to the pool!! 

We picked up Zach Graves first. When we got to Jacob Kreutz's house, they both got out. When we got to Zachary Bagley's, all three got out. And finally, when we got to Spencer Hammond's, all four got out, rang the doorbell, and laid on the porch. The laughter that could be heard from the car was only the beginning. It would be a afternoon full of laughter!

Since it was noon when I picked them up, I went to Papa Johns around the corner and grabbed a pizza for them. It's funny to me that they all said they weren't that hungry, but they finished that pizza in five minutes flat. Just a sample of how my life is going to be in the near future. 

As I sat on a lawn chair by the side of the pool (how embarrassing if Mom would have actually swam!) I listened for only one sound above all others- Caden's laugh. We've had so much fun the last month, but there is just something different about a child's laughter when they are with friends!

So, even though I am not ready to let them go, I can't wait for school to start on the 26th, either.  Because even though I will miss them all like crazy, I want more laughter like that in their lives. 

As a side note: I was crying to Randy, telling him how I am just not ready, when Tyson crawled into my lap, wiped my tear-streaked cheeks, and said, "Don't be sad, Mommy. You still have your Tyson here!" It only softened the sting a teensy bit. Kindergarten registration is not going to be fun!!

Test Smashing!

I am SO proud of Caden today.  Any day, really, but especially today.

I went to EMS to get him re-enrolled for 8th grade.  School starts in just one more week.  Blah!  I am not ready to let my kids go!!  They are ready, so I must be ready.  I got to the desk, told her I needed to get him registered, gave her our last name...

(Gasp) "Caden?! Caden's coming back to school?!  How is he doing?" 
(Calling to the other staff) "Did you guys hear that?  Caden Dirks is coming back to school!!!"

I was almost in tears.  It has nothing to do with my tender emotional state, either.  This school LOVES my son.  Out of all of the kids that will walk through those doors in six mornings, they were concerned about mine.  That makes them my favorites!  I'm fairly certain that everyone in the building, that knew or had Caden before, came to say hi.  It was pretty special.

Since he did absolutely nothing while in "homeschool," they said he'd need to take the MAP test this morning to make sure they place him in the correct classes.  We knew all about this test.  When he took it in sixth grade, just after we moved here, he was placed in an extra class for Math and Reading.  This not only made him feel dumb (he'd been in advanced classes in Casper) but it took away his electives.  He didn't get to do as many "fun" classes.  It was a low blow to a boy that was ripped from everything he knew and loved.  It made for a hard half-year for Caden. 

So, as I was driving him to the school for the testing, I made sure to do the "Mom" thing and reiterate how important it was for him to do his absolute best.  That if he was able to do well, he'd be able to leave the extra classes behind and have all of the electives available to him.  But, I also made sure to do the "Mom" thing and tell him that it wasn't a bad thing to get placed in those classes, that after all, he'd been without proper schooling for half a year.  He said he understood all that I was saying (only slightly irritated) and that he'd do his best.  So, I dropped him off and held my breath.

Figuratively, or course.  The testing took two hours.  And guess what?!  Caden smashed it!!!  He will not need extra help!  He is above where he needs to be, even!!  I am SO proud of my son.  Instead of telling him that he was "SO SMART!!!" I made sure to tell him that he 'must have worked really hard.'  Because, even though he is really smart, I don't want him to have a test later that he doesn't do as well on and think that he's no longer smart enough.  Chalk one up to a morning full of "good mom" points!!

This boy never ceases to amaze me!  Lays in a bed for months, hooked up to chemicals, fighting a monstrous fight, and comes away without a worry in the world- passing tests without studying!  I'm the luckiest girl in the world!!

Disastrous!!

I saw a wreath on Pinterest and decided to make one for my own. I took the kids to Hobby Lobby this morning to buy the necessary supplies. I was almost giddy with the idea of doing something that I wanted to do. I'm not complaining, but I have lived the last few months without too much thought for myself. This wreath was going to be ONLY for my enjoyment. I was SO excited. Until I hung it up. 

The woman said that hers was 16' and it was just too big on her door, so I thought 12' would work nice. Nope! That this is massive. I hung it from some string, hoping it would allow the door to close. 

The front door closed, but...

And...

Man, what a crushing blow. I would absolutely LOVE it if it wasn't so big. And bushy. And loud. And flashy. And huge! I couldn't throw it away, so I put it like this...

It works for now with the ladder set for school. I hate that it screams, Look at me!, but I can't waste the money, time, and excitement. So, for now, I'm gonna leave it up. And bash anyone that visits in the face. Because you basically have to stand on the street to avoid it!!

Warm Showers

It was a dream come true when Tyson made the decision to potty train himself.  It almost seemed too-good-to-be-true.  We went on a road trip from Wyoming, to North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, South Dakota, and home.  It was long, he got sick, and he still did not have one single accident.  I was shocked.  I could not believe that this little two-year old boy could simply make the decision and do it.

So, when he started to simply pee his pants when he felt like it, I got a bit ticked.  When he started to pee at friends' houses on a more consistent basis, I started to get more and more angered.  The last straw was when I walked downstairs to see him standing on the back of the couch, peeing.  Man, I grabbed that little boy so fast, walked him up to the shower, and turned it on.  Cold.  With all of his clothes off.  I was screaming (we will not sugar-coat it and use the words "forcibly speaking") as I held his head under the cold water.  I was mad!!  He'd peed at two friends' just hours before (within minutes of each) and then defiantly peed in front of me.  He got what he deserved!  I may not win the "mother of the year" award, but it served it's purpose- he stopped peeing his pants.

It has been more than two years since that cold shower.  Things have been going so well with this little cutie.  He is growing too fast!  I'm so glad he still loves to snuggle!!  He's the baby of the family.  He knows it.  We all know it.  He milks it for all it's worth!

So, a few days ago, I made the decision to teach the boys to shower.  They have been bathing together since birth, so this is a big deal to them.  They are just getting too long for the bath.  Another reason for my sorrows.  They are getting so tall.  Brennon got in first while Tyson played on ABCmouse.com.  Brennon loved it, saying it was the funnest shower he'd ever taken.  Good thing, since it was the only shower he'd ever taken!  Tyson was up next.

As I was getting the shower ready for him, he asked in the most concerned voice,
"Mom, do I take my clothes off to get in the shower?"
"Yes."
"I do?"
"Yes."
"All of them?"
"Yes!"

As he stepped into the shower, he made the surprised comment,
"Mom, this shower is warm!"

It hit me then!  He was remembering the cold shower from years ago.  I was surprised he even remembered.  He was only two!! He'll be five in two months.  I could not believe his only memory of showering was cold shower.  It kind of made me feel bad. Kind of!   Until I remembered the peeing on the back of the couch.  The ark of the pee as it flew through the air.  The sound of the pee as it hit the same spot on the new carpet.  Sad feeling's gone!  PUNK!!!

As he was rinsing off the shower gel, he asked if he could stay in for a bit longer.  I let him stay in as long as he wanted.  I want his memories of showering to be pleasant.  He said about the same as Brennon, but with more excitement.  He's asked to get in a shower every day.  Twice, today.  They can't do it alone yet, it will take a few months to properly teach them, but they are both loving this shower idea.  And I love it.  Bathing used to take me at least 20 minutes.  They loved it, so it wasn't bad, but a girls' got too much stuff to do these days.  Sitting in the bathroom, watching them play, just ain't gonna happen anymore. 

And let's be honest- who doesn't love a warm shower?! And little boys that don't pee off the couch?!

Mountain

Randy took these three cuties for a hike Saturday morning up Badger Mountain. I, personally, feel as if the name Badger Mountain is a bit lofty. After growing up surrounded by the majesty of the Rocky Mountains, Badger seems more of a hill, in my opinion. However, I have never hiked it, so what do I know? Here is what Tyson had to say about it. 

"My legs are sleeping, and I'm making them mad!"

When asked what his legs did to let him know that he was angering them, he said they were "tingling him." Fitting description from my littlie. 

Being the lazy leech that I am, I think I'll put off the tingle-making, leg-angering hike for a bit longer. 

Keilie stayed home with a headache. It was so fun to be able to comfort and help her. I was able to give her a back massage (with oils that she said smelled weird) and wash her hair. I love the feeling of my hair being washed by someone. I massaged in slow motions as I talked with my oldest daughter about growing up. It was so wonderful being able to make myself slow down, to be overly gentle, and to truly empathize with my sweet girl. As she cringed at all of the spots that I cringe at, I felt such love for the girl that understands how it feels. Something that I wish she didn't understand, really. 

How happy it makes me feel to be able to comfort my babies. 

Identity

Shelby did this for me for Mother's Day this year. It was a nice comic relief after a particularly hard few days with Caden. I love that I "cook" hot pockets better than anything else. Hot pockets!!! Wanna know my secrets?! Place them in the microwave sleeve, place them on a plate, microwave them for only one minute and thirty seconds and enjoy. You are now a Master Chef!

Shelby and Tyson love Hot Pockets more than anything else. They will choose them anytime they are asked what they want to eat. In fact, Shelby has known how to make her own for about a year now. I ofttimes come down to find her eating one for breakfast. So, what I found this morning should be no surprise. Tyson was trained by my chef-in-training (a.k.a Shelby) to make his own Hot Pocket. 

In some ways I love the independence that comes with growing up. They get their shoes on, buckle their own seatbelts, are doing more chores, and starting to understand reasoning behind our rules. Our house is staying cleaner, particularly in the mornings. There was an extended period of time (try five years) where we had to lock our pantry with a key each night and have a chain and padlock around our fridge handles. This was not because of weight, but because we had Costco-size bags of cheese spilled downstairs in front of the tv, or entire boxes of cereal spilled down the stairs as they were headed to their favorite show. It was a rough few years of anger at their disobedience that resulted in drastic measures. And hideous decorations for our fridge. 

I know it is partially a biproduct of what we have just endured, but I have been feeling a sense of urgency to memorize everything involving my kids. I have thought this many times before, but it feels different now. In just two years my identity will be gone. For the last 13 years my identity, the thing the defines me, that makes me feel important and special, will be gone. Tyson will go to all-day school and I will be left at home alone. I can joke about how I have always aspired to be a stay-at-home-mom without the kids, but the truth is I have always just wanted to be a Mom. I know that will never end, but my job description is. It has already begun to change little-by-little, day-by-day. And I am sad! 

I have always heard that I will miss the sounds, the responsibility, the action, and the chaos that is little kids, but I feel as if it is coming too soon. I know life will be a different kind of chaos before they are out of my house. I mean, come on, Keilie is going to Middle School this year and Caden goes to High School the year my baby goes to Kindergarten. I'm at the cusp of the teenage years! But I feel an ever-growing urgency to remember the giggles, memorize their smiles, enjoy their arguments, and appreciate their innocence and lives. 

Who knows what I'll do when I have five kids in all-day school. For now, I'm going to revel in the fact that I get to do the only job I ever wanted. I get to be a Mom. 

Energy

Although not as much as the first few days home from Seattle, Tyson gives me many hugs a day. Hugs, kisses, snuggles, "I love you's," you name it. It is my favorite!!

After the fifth time in just about two hours, Brennon asked Tyson why he was giving me so many hugs,

"Because it gives mom her energy!"

So I held on as long as he would let me. 

When it turned to the point that he wasn't the instigator, he asked if I would tickle his belly. Looks like my energy is needed to tickle. 

And that is just fine by me!!

Brother Bagley

I have no doubt that we were guided to this house.  Things happened in such a way, and at such a time, that I know for a fact that we were supposed to live in this very ward, attend the very schools, and be here, right now.  It was made more clear this morning at Fast & Testimony meeting.

I feel like Caden has been blessed with amazing men as his advisers.  They are so organized, so fun, and so original in their activities, that Caden regularly says how much he loves Brother Walker and Brother Bagley.  Brother Walker recently moved out of our ward, which makes me super sad, but Brother Bagley is still his Scout Master.  After years of having Randy in a similar calling, I know how much work is put into that calling.  Hard work and dedication lead to a profound love and appreciation for the boys.  Brother Bagley is everything a leader should be.  Caden loves him.

I knew that he was loved back, but I didn't know the extent of that love until Brother Bagley got up to bear his Testimony.  In it, he says that one morning he knelt to say his prayers and was surprised to hear himself say, "Don't you dare take Caden from me!"  I was shocked and filled with such love for this amazing man.  He loves Caden enough to pray for him, I knew that already, but to say such things shows a massive amount of love for my son.

I've always heard that a community helps raise a child.  I believe that!  My kids have been blessed with good leaders, church and school teachers, and I'd like to think, parents.  How grateful I am for other adults that help to mold and shape my children into future amazing adults.  I would be so happy if Caden turned out just like Randy and J. Andrew Bagley!

Logic

Caden, Keilie, and Brennon had a follow-up appointment at the dentist yesterday. Small cavities in-between two teeth. Hate those kind!! Any cavaties, really!! 

They all came out sporting puffy cheeks, non-moving smiles, and Popsicles. Tyson asked if he could have one, saying "it's not fair" (his favorite phrase recently) when I told him they save those for kids that get cavities filled. When Shelby asked the same question, just with different words, I told her that they had had work done on their teeth. She looked at me and said, 

"Yeah, but I didn't!" 

Her logic was sound. They were being rewarded for having work done, she should be rewarded for NOT having work done! That's my genius 7- year old master manipulator!

 In her defense, I don't know where a cavity could hide with all of those humongous spaces between each tooth!! As seen here...

Love this cutie, but I can't wait for more teeth to come in and correct her spacy smile.