Sniff

 I've written many times about my dreams.  All sorts of dreams.  I have known since I was about 8 or 9-years old that I had crazy-real dreams after waking after a particularly scary dream where I actually flinched three times in the real after being shot three times in the dream.  Heart racing, sweat-slicked, ready to run as I'd been doing in my dream, still feeling every single entry point of the dream bullets, I had actually cried in relief when I realized that it wasn't real.  But it sure felt real!  From then on, I've had more than my fair share of crazy-real dreams, most of the "not desirable" kind.  (The most recent difficult one was Randy leaving me for a permed-helmet-head-haircutted woman named "Delores."  I judged myself to this "dream" girl-- "He is leaving me for her?!"  When I woke, I laughed.  Of course it was a dream, because who knows anyone named Delores these days?!)

In all the variety, I've never had a dream like the one I had last night.  It was a dream about Caden, which isn't new, but, boy, will I always remember this one!

As is the way with dreams, it wasn't actually something that went in chronological order, nor did everything make sense, but it sure felt normal and right in the dream.  I'd wake for one reason or other, roll over and find a new cold spot in my bed, and then fall back asleep to something that felt like a continuation, even though it had absolutely nothing to do with what had awakened me before.  However, it felt like one big "movie" throughout the night.  As is also the case, things that should have tipped me off that I was dreaming simply made sense.  Danielle's house, which was our childhood home though it has been updated new, is mine.  Of course I know how I got {here} or {there} or why I was doing {that}.  It just makes sense.

Within this dream, I felt all the emotions.  Deep, deep despair when it was discovered that Randy was eating the last package of my Orange Cranberry Belvita.  With a hand to my heart, disbelief on my face, and hurt dripping in my shaking voice, "Randy!  You know I have an intolerance to Blueberries.  Why did you eat the last package of the ones I can eat?"  I'm telling you, he hurt my feelings!  {Roll over}

Now we are playing as a family and Caden starts to get sick.  We're moving through medical stuff in a disjointed way to how it happened in the real, but it felt as if I was finding everything out for this child for the very first time.  As it got deeper and deeper into the hard, I actually woke in the real because my heart was hurting and I wasn't breathing deeply enough.  Calming breaths and repositioning.  {Roll over}

Because I was still dreaming, it was normal and natural to see Caden again, even if this felt like a continuation of the last dream where he was dying before I woke up.  My dream self had forgotten all of that, I now had a whole and healthy son walking down the stairs in our/Danielle's house.  Having just showered, his hair was still wet.  He was wearing clothes like the ones he wore right before he really died.  I met him at the bottom of the stairs for a hug.  And just like that, I smelled his Axe body spray.  Literally and actually smelled it.  Teetering between dream and coming awake, where you know you're coming awake but you want to hold on to and remember the delicious, peaceful dream, my dream consciousness centered around the incredible fact that I could actually smell.  Sniffing in both the dream and the real, I marveled that each sniff as I was coming more and more alert held the scent of that body spray.  I could even feel the tickle it causes me in the back of my nose.  I could smell that body spray!

By the third or fourth inhale, I was fully awake.  Of course I couldn't smell it anymore because no one had sprayed it.  But I still remembered-- my mind had TRULY had me smelling that body spray he always used.  I was close enough to wakefulness to realize that I was coming out of a dream, but I was still dreaming just enough for my mind to do its own thing.  I've come to awareness with my eyes already open, "seen" people roaming our home or sitting in front of me in conversation, I've found myself in other rooms, scared myself by turning on the light or strangled, blood-curdling screaming that scared me awake because 'someone is screaming!!," jumped out of bed and ran for a multitude of different reasons, and even stood on the bed and stepped on Randy before he rolled over and pitched me off the side of the bed.  But this is the first time I have ever smelled, truly smelled, in a dream.

The mind is a fascinating thing.  Even if it sometimes hurts me in my dreams (stupid Delores), and in the real.

Recorded

 Randy has been working on a project for a little over a year now.  We purchased an acre, and Randy has been working at something he's always wanted to do: land development.  Covid has played a part in the drawn-out process, but it has been due to the neighbors too.  It's funny-not-funny how much the neighbors surrounding our lot hate each other.  Randy has had many a conversation with each of them, trying to figure out a way to access the lot without needing to force one of the neighbors to tear down a fence, tree, and possibly dig up the well the now-deceased husband placed years ago directly in the middle of the city's easement.  Anger has met Randy at every turn.

It was getting to the point that Randy was getting discouraged.  We'd already paid a surveyor and engineer for the plot to be laid out, only to find that the neighbor that said we could use his driveway wasn't going to allow it anymore.  When he approached the homeowner with the fence and tree, her sons called Randy, ticked that he'd cause their aged mother so much grief.  I was ready to throw in the towel after a year of people treating him like a jerk when all he was trying to do was be a nice guy.

With extra time on his hands without a home project (and a self-imposed budget year), Randy sat down for days to work on his own ideas.

Not only is this to-scale, but he was also thorough enough to "drive" a to-scale firetruck on the road to make sure they could turn around.  It was during one of these "test drives" that he noticed that the placement for the fire hydrant needed to be moved.  He truly thought of everything.

The houses aren't exactly the ones we've chosen, but he wanted to have an idea of how things would lay out, how things would look with driveways, stone, landscaping, and possible parking issues.  He wasn't trained as an engineer/drafter, but, like most things, he excelled at making it look amazing.

Armed with this layout, Randy wondered if he should just sell the land to a developer.  We got a very interested bite, too.  But when the neighbors heard that Randy was considering selling to someone that wouldn't try to work well with them, that would have the power to make them remove everything without thought as to how they would (remember she's aged and frail), they asked if Randy would meet them at the property to see if they could work something out.  And just like that, they agreed that Randy was a nice guy, that he was doing everything to avoid being a jerk, and they signed the papers to move forward.

He's a ways off, but at least the hardest hurdles have been dealt with.  Who knows how far he'll take this project.  He may develop the land and then sell it, making a nice profit and moving on to something else, or he may take it all the way to have seven homes to rent on Caden Drive.  Either way, I'm back to level ground where this land is concerned.  I hate the thought of that kind of debt, but I love that he's loving the process and journey.  I don't like witnessing that kind of turmoil.  We paid thousands of dollars for an alternative that didn't end up working, and they still treated him like a jerk!  I guess I shouldn't be surprised, seeing as we plan to bring seven new neighbors to people that hate neighbors...

Shelby turns 14!

 And just like that, my Shelby Jacquelyn is FOURTEEN!!!

She likes yellow, lemon anything, the number 2, Heath, Hawaiin Haystacks, apple pie, singing, riding her bike with Mira running alongside, Monopoly, Great Delmuti, Apples to Apples, family movie nights, Studio C, funny memes, and texting friends/cousins.  She has recently gotten into drawing, painting, reading, having her hair done, and mascara.  She also has decided that she wants to name her sons: Luke Benjamin and Weston Gregor.

Birthday lunch at Woo's Teryaki, Covid-style.

We timed a few of her gifts to arrive over the next few days, including her number one wish: A hoverboard.  Tyson gave her a coupon book and Brennon purchased watercolor supplies.  Keilie surprised her and took her shopping for the tie-dye shirt she's wearing.  She was over-the-moon happy.  

Her dinner choice was Costa Vida (brought home to eat since we're still shut down for indoor dining).  We also played Skull King and Apples to Apples before I took Keilie home and we rented a movie on Amazon.  The one thing that would have made the day better would have been a school holiday, but it was a really great day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SHELBY-KINS!!!  

We love you more than words can adequately convey!  I'm the luckiest girl in the world to call you mine.

Memories

 As I came upon this scene,

head bent low, concentration written all over his face, I was instantly transported back five years ago, almost to the day.

Where he was coloring his picture to make a button at the lighthouse in Oregon in December 2015, he was now working on Pre-Algebra equations to take to tutoring this afternoon.  He looked so small with his chubby cheeks and baby fingers back then, but he also looked small at our kitchen table with his college-size textbook and answer-filled paper spread out before him now.  

How grateful I am for memories stored in my mind and heart, but also for captured moments like this that I can compare.  It was a beautiful moment back then, made sweeter now because of the memories.

Clean

 When you enter our home through the garage, the first things you see are the laundry room and straight through to our Master Bedroom.  While Tyson was at tutoring today, I put away three baskets of folded, clean laundry that had been in that line of sight over the weekend, made my bed, and vacuumed all carpet on the main level.  When Tyson walked in, he replied, "I'm not sure why, but it just looks cleaner in here."  As if it was somewhat of a trick of his eyes, that the house had been that clean when he left but he wondered if he didn't notice it before leaving.  Bless.

Randy and I giggled that the work of parents goes unnoticed and that we're grateful for that in some ways.  Our kids get to be kids in that their clothes are washed, food is in cupboards, money is available when things are needed, and the house in which they subsist is clean without them doing a ton of work.  They have chores that they do every day, but for the most part, it's all me.  I'm grateful that my kids can be kids between times where we find work for them to do to make them appreciate the fruits of their labor.

Fly

 She thought I was eating my breakfast, but it turns out I was sneaking a picture of her.  This beauty will be 14 in just a few days.  Where has the time gone?  She is growing into such an amazing person.  She's really coming out of her shell with Keilie gone, which is sad but true to admit.  Keilie has always been the meanest person in Shelby's life.  She'll admit it freely that she's always hated Shelby, but doesn't know why.  Without living with her bully, Shelby is singing more, talking more, laughing more, freer.  She may be my "rainbow baby," but she's also the butterfly busting free of her cocoon.  Delicate but strong, small but mighty, ready to spread her wings and show the world her beauty.  Fourteen.  How wonderful.

Keilie's un-birthday wish!

It has been confirmed: Keilie will be able to return to in-person schooling for the last half of her Senior year.  She is thrilled!!!  After a year of at-home, hybrid learning, her schedule will change beginning Monday, and then again on her half-birthday, February 22nd.  What an awesome present!!

(I hope, hope, hope our Governor doesn't shut us down again.  We are the 5th best state for Covid cases, yet we're one of the most restricted states of the Union!!  We are beyond done with our restrictions that make absolutely no sense!) 

We're back!

 The day we signed Keilie up for Orange Theory was the day they announced that all gyms in Washington were closing down again for "4 weeks."  12 weeks later...

It's not as convenient anymore, since we have to drive 15-minutes in the opposite direction to pick Keilie up, then 15-minutes back to the gym, trying to arrive early to be able to do the treadmill first, but we think it's worth it for her mental health.  

I sure hope we can get her into a psychiatrist soon.  We are going through the proper medical channels, but it's not fast enough for my mommy's heart.  It was confirmed by the cognitive-behavioral therapist that she does, in fact, score high on the bi-polar evaluation.  She showed it to her colleagues, asking their opinion, and they all agreed that Keilie needs more help than they can give.  She needs some serious help, as I've known for months as things have progressively gotten worse and worse.  The rage.  The lies.  {Shudder}  

It's a hard thing to watch your child go through something so far out of your depths of understanding.  I watched my sister struggle as a young child, which is how I recognized bi-polar in Shelby, but I wasn't around during her teenage years.  When I told her about it, she said she'd wondered for a long time, had recognized and related to Keilie, but I always had an answer for how it fit into ADHD.  I hate, hate, hate that I thought ADHD was the "answer" to all of her struggles, so I was placing all hardships in those symptom categories.  It's a hard pill to swallow that I wasn't doing enough when I thought I was doing all I could.  She's suffering-- truly suffering-- with something that cannot be seen, cannot be cut out, cannot be ignored, yet is as life-threatening as cancer.  It's a horrible thing knowing you cannot change your own mind, but even I don't understand the depth of her sorrows because I've only struggled with depression.  This is so much more.  And it breaks my heart.

Chopsticks

 I walked in to find Shelby on a Class Connect doing this...

Popcorn with home-made chopsticks.  Can you get any cuter?!

Accepted

 I purchased a large Sudoku book to challenge the kids' minds during no-electronics hours.  I was thinking of them when I bought it, but it has brought Randy and me hours and hours of enjoyment, too.  Tucked away at the back are size "Mega Challenge" puzzles of 16.  We'd both never done one so large!  

Challenge Accepted!

For the past two days, any free moment we've had, this has been my view.  We finished all six tonight.  Awesome... but sad.  It was fun while it lasted.  

Blackout

 There are characteristics that you hope your children inherit or learn from you, but this specific characteristic is one I'd always hoped would be limited to me: fainting during blood draws and the anxiety that accompanies needles.

We got the results back for a hair-sample intolerance test last month that had a few concerning things for Shelby, Brennon, and Tyson.  My intent was more for the food side, but each of them came back with either Gut Biome, Hormonal Imbalance, or Digestive Imbalance issues.  Tyson has all three, not to mention the vitamin and mineral imbalance he has because of them.  At his well-child checkup today, I brought up the issue of his hormone imbalance that said he has a potential problem with his thyroid.  I was a little embarrassed to bring it up, since this test was ordered online and not done in a medical facility of repute in our town, not wanting to look like a WebMD hypochondriac, but I also didn't want to be blindsided by medical issues as I've been with both Caden (cancer) and Keilie (co-morbid mental health issues).

When I brought it up, I was pleasantly surprised at his response to my worries.  He let me know that 1) even an allergist's test have been known to be wrong, 2) hair follicles will give the same result whether you are 5 or 55 because DNA doesn't change, and 3) it's an easy test to see how his thyroid is functioning to see why this particular test would come up with an imbalance.

Background: Tyson had an incident almost five years ago where a nurse at a flu shot clinic jabbed his bone in her rush to get through the long line of waiting people.  He has never forgotten that and reminded the nurse today to be careful.  Also, he got two shots this very day for his Middle School boosters, one of which left his arm a bit sore afterward.  So needles were already on his mind when he learned he was going to have a blood draw-- something he's never had before.

Because he had tutoring and the lab looked super busy, I told him we'd wait until first thing tomorrow morning.  But after tutoring, he brought up the blood draw again, letting me know that he was worried about it, so we made a plan to be there at 1:30 when they opened up after lunch.  I could see just how anxious he was when he struggled to think of his birthday.  All was going well.  Then she pulled out the needle, told him he was done, and we both looked at his face.  And I knew...

Instinctively I started to wrap my arms around him.  As he was pitching forward, the nurse frantically said, "He's going, he's going," but I already had him secure in my arms.  His body started to buck and seize, so I quickly kicked his chair back so I could help guide him to the floor, reaching up to grab the gauze she was trying to keep pressed to his elbow pit.  I'm actually super proud of myself for my grace under pressure.  I got him settled on my legs, holding the pressure, as I talked with him and told him to breathe.  I knew he was going to get abruptly too-hot, so I pressed my cold hands against his face to help wake him fully.  Finally, he gasped, terror all over his face as he asked, "WHERE AM I?  WHAT'S GOING ON?!"  As I gently told him he'd passed out, he burst into tears.  "I just closed my eyes for one second!  When I opened my eyes again, I didn't know where I was.  Mom, that was SO scary!!"  And he sobbed and sobbed as I soothed.  I know how he feels.  I've been there many, many times, but never as an 11-year old child.

Even though the nurse was super, super busy, she stayed with us after grabbing him a glass of water.  She could have left us in the room and used another, could have asked us to move somewhere else so she could continue her solo-in-the-office-as-both-receptionist-and-nurse work, but she cared for him and made sure he felt safe.  I didn't "need" her, but I appreciated her support by not making us feel rushed or like a burden for taking our time in the room she needed.

The second we made it out the door, I told Tyson he needed to cry it all out.  I could see how rigid his posture was, how quickly he was trying to book it to the car, and I knew, better than most, how this was going to affect him for the rest of his life.  He will never forget today, and it will haunt him every single time he has to give blood.  The second he sat down, he crumbled again.  "Mom, that was just SO scary."  He cried the entire way home.  He didn't cry once when he broke his arm.

"Is that how it feels for you?" I was heartbroken to tell him that, yes, that's how it feels when it happens to me.  I told him how I, too, have seizures when I pass out, that it is a normal response for my body, and that I need to lie down every time I have my blood drawn.  I sympathized with him as he brokenly told me how scary it is to wake up and be so disoriented.  I understand it all, and I hate knowing what this day has done to him forever.  He used to be the kid that would actually volunteer to go first when getting shots.  He will never be the same with needles again.  The poor thing.

I'm anxious to get the results back.  If the blood tests show nothing, then I can say I only paid $20 for the intolerance test.  But if they come back with proof of a thyroid issue, I will be forever grateful that I may have caught something early.  Especially when I ordered the test for the food aspect!

P.S. Tyson has an intolerance to White Sugar.  He told me he didn't care:)

UPDATE:

As the results started to pour in, I got online to check what each thing meant, and to look for what things meant if they showed too high or too low outside of the ranges given.  For a night, I was convinced that he was going to be diagnosed with some sort of autoimmune some time in his life.   There were so many things that came back for each and every one that wasn't within the range given that either said autoimmune or thyroid.  Then I got word from the doctor: "His blood work is within range for his age.  All is well.  I don't see any markers to indicate we need to check again at 16."  And just like that, my research was terminated, my thoughts about Tyson's thyroid were forgotten.  All is well with my Ty-Ty!

Bake

 The kids have expressed interest in learning how to cook and bake more things this year.  We've added more and more as sort of a "curriculum" with school at home, as well as goals for the Youth Program.

It was Brennon's turn to make the FHE treat last night.  He chose Chocolate Chip Cookies.  I coached him when he needed it, but for the most part, he did it all on his own.  My heart swelled as I watched him excitedly and intently doing something he'd never done before with his Mira at his feet.  Watching kids learn and grow is a joy!

Priesthood

 Tyson received the Aaronic Priesthood last Sunday so today was his first Sunday passing the Sacrament.  Shelby and I sat on the first pew of his route.  Because of social distancing guidelines, it felt as if Shelby and I were more "alone" than Brennon's first week passing last year with no other family members sitting with us, and no one in front or back of us.  We looked across the chapel to see Brennon and Tyson sharing the first pew, looking so young, and Randy sitting up on the stand.

Shelby: "It would be so cool if Caden was one of the Priests."

I couldn't have agreed more.  I know that that was never guaranteed, as he would have either been at college or on his mission, but it did make me yearn.  That, and having Kelie come too.

On the way home, another Deacon, Malachi, commented that he was nervous.

Tyson: "I wasn't nervous. but my hands were shaking so much."

A clear sign he was nervous.  That, and the adorable thrust of the tray to ensure the Bishop knew that that was the tray to take the emblems from, and the tray in his other hand was meant for the used cup.  Like Caden and Brennon before, he carried himself with a serious, mature presence.  I love that my boys do not take spiritual or priesthood responsibilities lightly.

And just like that, I no longer have a child in Primary.

Shredding

 After waking gloriously late this morning, we made the last-minute decision to head to Oregon for some sledding.

The weather was warm enough to have us shedding our coats every chance we could.  However, the warmer temperatures also made for some pretty dangerous ice.  It was so hard, we could walk on top of the snow every step of the way.  It also meant that we got micro-fissures if our skin rubbed against the icy snow.  It also meant our sledding was faster than ever!

Tyson was the first to try sledding on his belly.  I was a nervous wreck when I saw what was happening.  No sooner had I realized that Randy wasn't holding him back but encouraging him than he was off down the hill.  Talk about heart attack watching his face zoom close to the ice.

It's hard to get depth in a picture, but this is the bowl of Andie's Prairie.  The other side is much, much steeper.  You can see just how tiny the people look on the other side.  You better believe that Tyson went down that side a few times.  If I was nervous watching my kids go down this side once we realized how icy it was, it was nothing compared to watching him go down that other side.  He zoomed down fast and ended up sledding all the way up to where we were standing!  Randy grabbed his hand, propelled him around, and threw him back down our side of the hill.

We found it was more fun on the inflatable tube going at those speeds.  It's usually said that you "shred" down the mountain, but the ice did some shredding of its own on our tube.  We got in as many runs as we could before the tube was pretty much useless.

I had to giggle at our procession to the car.  Mira was strapped to a sled carrying our coats, gloves, and goggles, Shelby was pulling Tyson, and I was lugging around the deflating tube.

"The girls are doing all of the heavy lifting!"

We weren't very far down the mountain when we noticed flashing lights and a line of taillights ahead.  We weren't stopped for too long, though.  After the icy conditions we found at the sledding hill, it's not too hard to imagine how slick the roads were once the sun started to dip below the moutain.

As we came around a bend, I noticed the fog and cloud cover we'd drive below up head.

Goodbye, blue skies and sunshine!  The next two pictures were taken within five minutes of this one.

(2:47pm)

It was fun to be spontaneous.  I usually like to plan better and have the car packed for day trips like this.  The rush to get on the road after sleeping in only added to the excitement.  It was a fun day spent with people I love most in the most beautiful of settings.  I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Miracles

Like cancer care, which I compared Keilie's hardships to the day she moved out, time is moving forward despite the jarring feeling that my world has spun off its axis.  We are still doing school, work, housework, still doing as many family dinners as we can, still playing games nearly every night, still looking for ways to spend time together instead of in front of screens, and still reading scriptures, praying, and worshipping our Heavenly Father.  But there is a hole in our family, something huge is missing, and it's not just the all-encompassing hardship of a major trial.

Like then, it's confusing now to live in a reality where I miss the child but not the trial.  I wanted Caden back but knew he was in a better place where he didn't feel pain.  I want Keilie back, but I realize that for whatever reason, she's without some sort of pain being away from here.  I may outwardly look at it as one child made the choice to abandon us while the other only wanted to stay, but the fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter-- they both hurt even if it brings a certain peace.

The one difference, and it's a big difference, is that I get to see Keilie's beautiful face from time to time, get to hold her in my arms for even just a brief moment.  We've probably only seen her for a total of 15-minutes these last thirteen days, but it brings elation to my heart each time.  She's gone, but not forever.  I remind myself that every day as I try to break down the wall I started building around my heart many months ago when the oppressive rage and cutting words started breaking me.  I'm still learning from cancer care, I'm still learning from motherhood, I'm still learning to search for silver linings.  I still get an occasional hug from my Keilie, and that is a miracle for which I will never forget.

(Reflections such as these make me miss my Caden acutely.  I still cannot believe The Boy in the Bed is gone.)

No Nibbles

 For the first time since moving to Washington 8 years ago,

I have nails.  This is only the third or fourth time in my life that I've had nails.  I logically know how hideous my hands look with nails bit to bloody stubs, not to mention how disgusting I know it is to put my hands in my mouth multiple times a day like a toddler, but it's a hard 35+ year habit to break when I TRULY cannot stand the feel of nails.  I hate them so, so much.  Biting didn't take any thought (the times I've grown them out before ended because I bit some in my sleep), but I think about my nails constantly now, hating how they feel every minute.  But I love the way they look, love that my fingers don't throb every day, love that I don't have hangnails that get infected.  I'm a walking contradiction, I know.  It's also not lost on me that someone that hates nails as much as I shouldn't be blessed with nails that look as if I paid for a French manicure.  I loathe yet love these cursed beauties.

It's been almost two full months without a single nibble.  I have a goal to make it the entire year.  Wish me luck.  I would love to kick this habit for good.  I won't think about how much I hate the feel of them.  I won't, I won't, I won't!

Art

 Brennon set a goal to work on his drawing skills this year.  I cannot wait to see what he comes up with!

Gap

 Tyson got his braces adjusted today in preparation to possibly get them off next time.  We'd warned him that the bands they'd use would make his teeth hurt more than usual, so he snarfed a bunch before we left.  We'd barely made it to the car before he was telling me he could tell his teeth were already moving.  I told him to take a selfie because I was betting the gap between his front two teeth would be closed before bed.

(11:27am)

"I hate how fat my face looks when I try to take a selfie!"  Me, too, son.  Me, too.

(9:16pm)

When I asked if his teeth hurt before bed, his response didn't surprise me at all.  "Not really.  But it isn't pleasant to bite down."  The kid has such a high pain tolerance!  The only time he's ever "complained" about braces was that first day when Keilie manhandled his cheeks to see his new braces.  It wasn't even a complaint so much as a statement that she'd hurt him.  Tough as nails should be changed to Tough as Tyson.  I'm so grateful we can afford braces for our kids.  Such a blessing.

Match

 I tried to wrap up my blog and get it to the printers yesterday, only to find out that they don't yet print with the current format my new camera uses for pictures.  Crushed.  I have been printing my blog into books with this company since 2007!  They all have a similar theme and color schematic, they all look identical in size and quality.  It takes me hours and hours to blog sometimes, and the thought of taking hours and hours to go in and re-format each picture and swap them into each post since November just seems too daunting.  I already put in the time, I don't want to find more to fix it for the printers.

Randy started looking for other printers.  He could feel my sadness, and, let's be honest, my anxiety, and started looking for a solution to help.  But I don't want there to be any differentiation between the books, so I am going to go on hope and faith here.  They know the quality of cameras and pictures is advancing, so they will too.  Right?  Please, please, please.  It's a bit scary somehow to not send it off to the printers right now, but I think the outcome will be worth it.  I hope so anyway.  I like things to match!  Always have, always will.

Happy New Year

 Keilie moved out today.  She came home mad last night, telling us that she refuses to follow our stupid rules anymore, that Ellie's parents had said she could move in with them, and that she wanted to if we would let her.  When I asked if the offer was real, they asked if we wanted to talk.  We met at 11:00am.  They have the policy that their home is always open, telling us they'd had many of her siblings live with them over the years, and that Keilie was welcome to come live with them as long as they knew she wasn't running away from us.  When they realized that our intentions were not to simply have her out of the home but to give Keilie an opportunity to learn about the real world in a safe way, they agreed, even after our cautioning.

After speaking with us, they asked if it would be alright to speak with Keilie.  She'd told them she thought that she'd move in without any rules.  They wanted to give Keilie the opportunity to make her choice after hearing the stipulations.  As one that wants all information to make better choices, I was glad they had the same idea.  Even though it broke my heart to be talking about it, the decision was made in the best way.  Keilie and Ellie showed up three hours later to pack and have her leave.

As she walked out the front door, all I could think of was the coroners walking out with Caden, telling me I was transferring care of my child to someone else.  This last year of childrearing has been much harder than cancer care.  Truly.  I always knew we were doing the best for Caden, doing all we could in the right way.  With mental illness and teenage years, I never knew.  I did my best and hoped that she'd be able to see that when she thought back.  I have felt true feelings of hate, but only towards the situation.  I wanted the situation to change, for the anger and contention to leave the house, not my daughter.  Having a child leave the home should happen after they graduate and move on with their lives.  Instead, I've had two of my babes leave me much sooner than I ever imagined as I held them late in the night, alone and snuggling skin to skin, and one was by choice.

As we picked up the car to leave Keilie with her new family, I sobbed like I had when they took Caden away.  I cried myself to sleep after intermittent crying all night.  Like those days just after Caden's death, I reflexively dealt for six people in our game this morning, a burning stab in my heart when I realized that now there are five at home, instead of the seven I've yearned for since losing Caden.  Nothing about this is desirable, other than the opportunity for Keilie to seek her own happiness.  I've done some hard things throughout my life to ensure my kids had opportunities to be happy and healthy, but this one is by far the hardest.  I just have to have hope that giving her up right now will give her what she needs, even though I can honestly say that I have feelings of hurt and anger at the thought of anyone "transferring care" of my babes, no matter the circumstance.