Decision

Caden has been feeling great.  Normal even.  Except for the reaction (which is still quite fresh and scary in my mind), Caden hasn't felt any different than he normally does.  This is a wonderfully unexpected thing.  It feels so weird knowing that we are fighting, but that he doesn't feel incredibly sick.  It's wonderful, but it also makes it really hard to stay in Seattle.  It is suffocating.  And lonely.  And boring.  We truly just want to be home with our family.  It's easier to appreciate Seattle Children's when the professionals are needed to watch over my son.  Because he feels so well, Seattle feels like a prison, keeping us from living life.

I think both of my Dads knew what was going through my lonely head when they cautioned me not to sneak Caden home again, each with different sides that are completely true.  My own Dad said that if Caden's body decided to reject the medication at any time and we were not close when it happened, I'd never be able to forgive myself.  My other Dad (in-law) said that we didn't want any excuse to be dropped from The Study, since it was parameters for The Study that we stay close.  I hadn't thought of either of those reasons, since my mind and body just wanted to be together while Caden feels well.  But I whole-heartedly agree with them both.  We will not be sneaking home again-- we'll wait until they release us.  I am at peace with the decision, but it doesn't make it easier.  I miss our amazing life.  I'm super grateful that he's feeling well and that we get this opportunity and blessing, but I am a selfish being that wants my cake and to eat it too.

On the very morning that Randy and I agreed that we would not sneak again, I saw a meme that I know I was meant to see at that very moment. It was a picture of Jesus kneeling in Gethsemane.  "When times are difficult, remember, you are not the first to ask, "Is there no other way?"