To Randy:

There is a side of cancer care that is not really talked about much, but is just as difficult to witness as the horrible side effects that chemo and radiation bring.  It is the suffering of the working parent.  When we are in Seattle, I have already passed off my "job" to someone that I know, trust, and love.  I give instructions in all areas for how to take care of my other kids, make sure that everything is in order in the home, and then I pretty much leave half of my heart and 1/4 of my thoughts in Richland-- the rest of me is given to Caden's care.  I am wholly committed to giving my whole self to caring for The Boy in the Bed.

But I would like you to imagine for a moment how things are for Randy.  His job cannot be given to anyone else-- he is still responsible for seven mouths to feed, seven bodies to clothes, seven heads to cover each night with a roof.  It is also Randy's personality to give his 110% best in every single thing that he does, whether it be marriage, parenthood, church, or work.  He can't just do his job at 50%, it's not in his nature.  So he worries over work every single minute of the day.  Always.

But he also has four kids at home that are struggling.  Their lives are filled with horrors and stresses that no child should ever have to endure.  Sure this is the third year, so it has become more known and commonplace, but it never makes it easier when cancer is the cause of the suffering.  Each of them has cried many times to me, saying they are scared their brother is going to die.  They are more used to Randy being gone for work, but it is really hard for them to have me gone.  I am very much a visible constant in their lives, as it should be.  So, Randy has spent more time at home with them when he can.  He is trying to step in more, to give them more "parent" this time.

But his wife and son are struggling (sometimes) and living alone in Seattle.  On his 40th birthday, Randy had to be miles away from home and from Seattle at a Demo, while his son started his first immunotherapy trial.  He was not there to be Caden's support.  He was not physically there to be my support, even though he desperately wanted to be.  He went to work.  He worked it hard.  He did his best, gave his 110%.  While his heart was with me.  And Caden.  And Keilie, Shelby, Brennon, and Tyson.  He takes care of me in every single way, so it hurt knowing that I was doing this alone.  It hurt knowing that he wasn't there to hold me close as I watched our son quickly crash.  He can't stop earning money.  We can't live off of our love, no matter how much we wish we could.  We need him to work.

So, this amazing man that asked me to be his, keeps working.  He is needed in so many different places, but he can't be everywhere.  No one can take his place.  He can't give his whole self to just one thing.  He can't choose what he wants most.  He has to do everything for everyone else.  And he is tired.  And he is emotionally spent.  And he hurts for us all.  And he just keeps working to provide.

To Randy:

I see you.  I know how you are suffering.  I know how much you hurt.  I know how hard this has been for you.  I wish I could take it all from you.  It is agony watching you suffer so much, to see you stretched so thin.  It is hard for me to witness both of my men's suffering, both physical and emotional.  I appreciate all that you do for me.  Your emotional support means as much to me as your physical support.  I know you love and worry about me.  You are my white-knight protector.  I am so eternally grateful for your sacrifice.  You are loved and adored beyond your wildest dreams.  I love you with my whole soul.

I love you,
Steph