Tools?

There comes at time when you know you are finished with something, when you know that you'll turn your back to it and never look back.  For me right now, it's the chiropractor.  I have been wondering if the time, money, and emotions spent at this place have been worth it.  I have wondered if they really could back their claims that they could make it so I never had back pain.  I would be grateful to simply be able to walk/stand/sit/sit up/roll over/ or even lay sometimes without pain, let alone be completely pain free, at this point.  But today's appointment was the piece of straw that broke my back.  I could have used camel idiom, but I don't really care about camels right now.  I am done with the chiropractor. (It's funny how many times I used the word 'back' in this paragraph, and how many different meanings it can have.)

First off: I didn't see the doctor I usually see-- he was in Hawaii, unbeknownst to me when I made the appointment for today.  Second: I've had to be seen by today's doctor only once before, and I didn't really like him all that much.  He was more rough with my neck, didn't do as many things to adjust me as my normal doctor, and was just more unfeeling-- I felt like a number, not a human with debilitating back pain.  I wouldn't have gone in today, had I known I would be seen by him.

He did a few of the "normal" things, but not as many as we always do.  It felt like he was trying to rush.  Then he had me stand up, but didn't finish the other things that we do.  I was kind of confused as I was standing there, not realizing that we were done, waiting to finish, and yet coming to the understanding that I was going to have to pay for a visit that only did about a quarter of the things that we normal do.  It was almost like I was given a little pat on the back, charged for it, and told to go home.

"So, here's the thing.  We don't want you to be afraid of your back."

"Ummmm..... I already am!  The thing that made my back go out this time was sitting in church.  If I can't be confident to even sit down, how can I be confident at all, with anything?"

"Well, since the weather is turning nice, maybe start adding in some walking."

"I'm a stay at home mom that doesn't have kids at home.  I already do a lot of walking, all day, as I clean and clean.  I love cleaning!  I am constantly in motion.  I walk on average 10,000 steps a day already, just by cleaning my home.  Is there a different way I should be sitting?  Is there a better way for me to walk?  Should I bend a different way when getting clothes out of the washer and dryer, or loading the dishwasher?"

"Well, we don't need to worry as much about what we shouldn't do.  For now, let's work on adding small things.  After all, we don't want you to be afraid of your back."

At this point, I was ready to slap the guy.  Was he not listening?  How can anyone not be afraid of their back if they can't do even the smallest of "activities" without having weeks and weeks of pain.  Anyone that has ever tried a new physical activity knows that day two is going to be brutal, but that it will start getting better.  Here I am sitting down in church and my back goes out.  It wasn't even the full hour of Sacrament Meeting, it was about 20 minutes in!  Who wouldn't wonder what they could or couldn't do?  Who wouldn't want to know exactly how to stand, or sit, or stretch, or move, or do anything without doing it the correct way, so that they didn't injure themselves unknowingly?!  After all, if there is a right way to do something, there is also a wrong way to do it.  I want to be equipped with the tools and knowledge to do it the right way, so I don't accidentally do something that will make it worse.

Also, for the past five months, I have been in near-constant debilitating pain.  I don't do anything like I used to.  In essence, I am retraining my muscles in most everything I do, so that I don't feel the pain.  When I spit into the sink while brushing my teeth, I no longer curve forward from the hips-- that hurts too much.  I end up kind of bending one knee, while working an oblique muscle, and bending on more of one side than the other.  So, because of the constant pain that I am in, am I retraining my muscles incorrectly?  They always talk about adjusting the spine so that the muscles will be readjusted as well, but if I don't know how to do something the right way, am I being counterproductive in all of this?  Am I hindering my own progress because I don't know how to do things the right way?  If I have been in pain for 17 years, obviously I don't know what the heck I am doing!  Help me know how to do things right, so I can help myself get better.  So I can stop weeks of pain simply by reverently sitting, while thinking of Father above!

As I was asking him things that I could do, asking about more ideas of stretches (seeing as they have only ever given me two to try in all of these months, two that I do multiple times a day, but still feel like crap), he turned and walked into his office area.  It was so abrupt, I thought inspiration struck.  I thought he was going to grab me something-- maybe a pamphlet of stretching ideas, or another type of belt to help, or even just a cream I could try.  When he left, I looked to the person that takes notes on the treatments we do each session, who is also the billing person.  She gave me an idea to maybe try flexing my core muscles during my chores.  While doing the dishes, flex my core muscles.  When folding clothes, flex my core muscles.  When laying on ice, flex my core muscles.  I told her that I could do that, feeling like that could maybe be a good idea...

And then the doctor walked out of his office area- empty handed- and walked into the next patients' room.  He didn't say goodbye.  He didn't acknowledge that I had been asking him questions.  He didn't even look me in the eye.  He just ended my appointment.  I was given advice from the person that doesn't have a degree in Chiropractic work.  Granted, she hears it all, so I know she knows a lot- she also did give me a really good piece of advice, I am truly grateful for her- but she is not the one that should have been helping me-- the DOCTOR should have.  Instead-- he walked out of the room, and never looked back.  1/4 of the procedure, gave me no help/suggestions whatsoever, kept telling me that they didn't want me to be afraid of my back (he said it like five times), and then walked out while I was asking him questions.  And he calls himself a professional.

I have an appointment with my regular doctor, made moments after I got home-- I had to calm down from crying the whole way home.  I know Dr. Burrup is not the one that will help me, but I'm hoping he can refer me to someone that specializes in backs.  I need to be equipped better, because my back is getting worse.  The resting/sedentary pain today is not as severe as it was last week, but that's not the point.  My back is not working properly on enough of a regular basis.  I truly don't know what I can or can't do anymore.  I have been careful-- too careful, if you ask me.  I have not served others as much as I am used to or want, trying to "help myself" instead.  Man, I seriously feel so selfish, always thinking of myself so much recently.  You know, he actually told me today that it was "time to take care of myself"-- and then walked out when I was asking him how best to do that.  Jerk.

Man, I am done talking about my back.  I am done complaining to Randy about it- it makes me feel so pathetic.  I just can't help it, it hurts so much.  I'm tired of feeling so weak, but honestly, I can't sit without hurting myself?!  Come on, who wouldn't be frustrated at that?!  I have researched back exercises, but I honestly don't know enough about it to know if the ones I choose are the right ones.  I need a professional to help me.  This is not a Do It Yourself, Pinterest search.

Gosh Dang It, I am so mad that he walked out!!!  GRRRR!!!!!!

"Thanks for nothing, you freaking Jerk!!"