Mature

Throughout this whole "journey" there have been times where we were grateful that Caden was mature enough to understand, and others when we were grateful that he really didn't understand at all.  In every situation or circumstance of it all, there are times when one is much more wonderful than the other.

As Caden has grown and matured through it all, it has almost become harder because he is understanding the severity more-- he now knows more fully what's at stake.  And it breaks my heart.  I'm crying as I type, wishing he could be innocent for it all.

We were having lunch at camp, joking around about how big Brennon and Tyson's ears are in proportion to their heads, betting that they would or would not look as large when they grew older.  Randy and I made a bet for ten years from now.  Mine was that since our ears and nose never stop growing, they would always be a bit bigger than their head.  Randy said they'd grow into them nicely, since we both have smallish ears that don't stick out disproportionately from our heads.  We shook on it, betting a ten minute massage.  Randy made the comment that Brennon would be almost 19 and Tyson would be 17 by the time we'd cash in our winnings.

Caden:  "I'll be almost 26."  And then looking at the table, kind of quiet, not speaking to anyone in particular, "Or dead."

I have not been able to eat or sleep well since finding out the news.  I can barely think straight.  What is happening in our lives right now?  How can I be expected to even breathe?  I am really having a hard time processing our reality, it hurts to my very soul.  This is going to be the longest wait of my entire life, with the hardest hard expected to be lived with the results of the wait.  This is excruciating.  Knowing truths doesn't always make things easier.