Habits

Randy and I always wanted to have six kids.  I wanted to be done before I was 30, since we married 23 days after my 19th birthday and I had Caden 16 days before my 20th birthday.  Our plan at first was to have a child every 27-30 months.  Then I had two miscarriages in a row after Keilie and our plans became a little more frantic.  We decided to have Shelby and Brennon as close together as we could-- Heavenly Father willing, of course-- wait for a bit, and then have two more close together.  We knew first-hand that our plans didn't really matter on the subject.

While pregnant with Shelby, I damaged my pelvic floor.  Little did I know that choosing to stop breastfeeding and getting pregnant in the same month would cause my bones to continue to stay "soft" (due to the hormone of pregnancy), and that Brennon being so low the entire time (and 8 lbs. at birth, three weeks early) would solidify the damage.  The last two weeks of Brennon's pregnancy I was forced onto bed rest because of the pain.

A short time after Brennon was born, I looked around at my four children and realized that four was just not enough for me.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to physically carry two more, but I could suffer through one more.  So, we made the decision to have Tyson soon after, so that we wouldn't have a single baby years behind the rest.  Hence, three babies in three years.  I didn't know it then, and would have laughed in your face if you would have said it, but having them so close has been my favorite.  I love having them so close.  There were definite times of exhaustion and tears (*cough* mostly mine), but it has been the best!!

For eight years now, I have counted five kids.  Each time we went somewhere, I would count multiple times throughout the outing, making sure I had them all accounted for.  But now-- it is like a bullet in my heart each time I think to count.  Four was never an option for us; it was unthinkable then, it is unbearable now.  My habits are deeply set.  It is agony trying to change my mind, to only count four when I so desperately want to see five.

Brennon asked: "Mom, if I die when I am a kid, will I be buried next to Caden, or next to you?"

I wanted to simultaneously violently cover his mouth, to stop those words immediately, and to sink to my knees, begging my Heavenly Father not to take another of my children.

Pregnant seven times-- four children living.  Four was never an option for us.