Health Care

I have now clocked approximately 6 hours in the same office (and incidentally, chair) over the last two days.  Aside from Urgent Care, ENT, or flu shot clinics, we haven't really been to our regular doctor in more months years than I care to admit.  We're playing a not-so-fun game of catch-up for our Dirks' family health care.  Dentist is another story, but only because they make the appointments in advance for you.  I wish well-child checkups could be scheduled a year in advance! 

I admit that I don't have the memory I once had.  Some of it can be blamed on fatigue, some on recent happenings (3+ years), some on disinterest, some on being an exhausted mother, and some on age.  Most times I just laugh it off-- "Oh, my {insert applicable excuse} brain...."  *Self-conscious giggle, blush, wink*  But yesterday and today it has caused me anxiety.  And guilt-induced sorrow.

"Is your child allergic to any medications?"

It has been so long since I've had chosen to think about this for anyone other than Caden.  We had to name everything he was allergic to so many times, it became something that he'd automatically answer, "Caden Dirks.  5-15-2001.  Tree nuts and Vancomycin.  No cough, no fever," as soon as we'd sit down at the check-in desk.  But now, I looked at my sons' faces, wracking my brain, sadly thinking, "I do not even know my children anymore."  Health care has once again become a scary thing for me.  All I have known for so long is gone.

It's confusing to wish we still had options that took us back to Seattle Children's when all I ever wished for as we were fighting was to be rid of that place.  I'm not done fighting.  Not really.  I'll never be done fighting.  Tonight, forever, I am missing my son.

*Today is his half-birthday.  He would have been 16 1/2.